Memories

Memories

Once a young woman without a care,
Working by day and at night having fun,
Plenty of friends to share my life with,
Then came a boyfriend to steal my heart.

Life was too short to worry about tomorrow,
I was happy and falling in love with my man,
Having fun and going out such good times,
We got engaged little did I know he'd change.

I was so happy I didn't see him change,
Slowly the possessiveness and jealousy set in,
Still loved him though and carried on,
I was like a trapped bird wanting to fly.

I wanted to please him so settled down,
Until one day I wanted to see my friends,
My man I wanted but wanted my life too,
We compromised and I thought we'd get closer.

One day it got so bad that we split,
I was broken hearted but knew it was best,
Little did I know how bad the future would get,
How so much time would be wasted for me.

Not much time later I knew I was pregnant,
No baby for me to keep my parents decided,
My baby was born no support given to me,
One tiny life that needed his first mother.

I battled the decision but lies won he went,
My heart was broken for the child I wanted,
Never mentioned as if he had never existed,
My life was to go on like nothing happened.

The years went by I went a bit wild,
Living my life as if without a care,
Inside I was in turmoil outside happy,
The pain never went but life carried on.

Men came into my life but I couldn't trust,
I became hard on the outside not needing a soul,
Inside I was a sad young woman crying,
Until the day I tried to trust another young man.

We got married the years haven't been easy,
I just wanted to be loved and to be needed,
Has it been worth it I wondered often,
I haven't been alone and have been needed.

Last year I found my boy to my shock,
Scared but needed to know he was okay,
To discover he had already found my family,
Why couldn't they be honest with us both.

I love my son very much no matter what,
He is part of my life like my husband,
My future I need to plan with care,
How better can my life be with my two men.

R.E.U.N.I.T.E.D.

R.E.U.N.I.T.E.D.

Relinquishment, the hardest thing to do for any woman,
Her baby lost to adoption, never to be hers again,
Sadness, pain, torn to pieces, two lives that need repairing,
The future is bleak for the mother who's lost her child.

Enduring onwards, the pain to be beaten down,
Despair and heartache always there, hidden by a smile,
Pretending the world is rosy and moving forever on,
The hard exterior hiding so many cracks beneath.

Undying love for the lost child keeps her going on,
The years go by and the memory never, ever fades,
Work occupies her mind during the day, partying at night,
Life has to go on , the act never broken as she is strong.

Nothing really changes inside with birthdays as a reminder,
Men come and go in her life as she will not commit,
Too frightened to get close, too frightened to be pregnant,
Fears of pressure and lies that cannot be fought again.

Intense pain eventually buried so deep inside her soul,
Needing to be loved before she is too old for love,
A young man, younger then her, determined to win her,
She accepts his love, frightened to end her life alone.

Trust in another begins to grow though not completely,
She needs another despite being guarded and keeps control,
They marry and travel through their life together cautiously,
The years go by with her still hurting but not alone.

Eventually her dream comes true for closure at last,
To find her son simply by chance, not prepared,
Her heart acts then her head takes over in complete fear,
The fear dispels, the response from her son positive.

Dreams do come true for those good of heart and faith,
Today I couldn't be happier even if I tried any harder,
My Lord took me on a journey I couldn't begin to understand,
Yet now I do knowing my precious son is alive.

The First Meeting

The First Meeting

I had only seen my son one time,
As a newborn held in arms of mine,
So perfect and small, so precious,
My son I would love but not to see.

Twenty three years later I find him,
My shock over shadowed by my love for him,
Love that had been within my very soul,
Finding him has made my existence whole again.

Overwhelmed I was with all of this,
Wanting to know so much was my wish,
Fear of rejection was in my thoughts,
Learning to talk and all that it brought.

One day I suggested we meet if he wanted,
My son agreed, my wish was granted,
The deep yearning to see how he looked,
My feelings so complex I couldnt talk.

So many feelings resurfacing from deep inside,
The hurt and the pain, of tears I had cried,
Of not parenting my son, not seeing him grow,
Missing so much of of his life, I was low.

I was scared but needing to see him,
My love for him was great and never dim,
The day came quickly and I was glad,
Never again would I have to feel so sad.

My son was an hour late to our meeting place,
My thoughts of lost years not to be replaced,
The start of new memories of times to come,
Waiting there in an early day of autumn.

He walked straight past me into the pub,
I waited a few moments then into the noisy pub,
Then I sat by him, scared to talk to him,
Amazed that there was no mistaking my kin.

We talked and I gave him a copied marriage certificate,
He gave me photographs, was this my fate?
To meet then no more contact for us,
One of the photographs of him as a baby, why did I fuss.

The tears dried quickly as we shared a hug,
I didn't want to let go, it was like a drug,
The afternoon and evening went far to quick,
I made the most of it being strong as a brick.

The day couldn't have been better,
Except for my husband being at the end of his tether,
We sorted this out, our love strong,
With my son the much needed bond.

What more could I ask for of my men,
I love them both in different ways then,
A day to remember always, never forgotten,
A sense of peace that is my own haven.

First Mother

First Mother

I am a mother yet I am not acknowledged,
No more children for me yet I have one,
To the world I am married yet childless,
My son loves me yet I have none.

My heart aches for what I have lost,
Yet my heart is happy for what I have gained,
I may not have a child in my life,
Yet who knows I may gain grandchildren.

My son is so special to me,
He has yet to trust another,
His love is yet to grow for him towards me,
All I want to be is a second mother.

We have much in common through our genes,
I want to hug him so many times,
We are as one family he knows what it means,
What more could I want life is so fine.

Self indulgence

We have had our friends youngest son over since Thursday and he has been comical at times.  'Little man' as we affectionately call him is three years old, is still in nappies and he is 'behind' in his speech. His parents have been told he could be autistic.

Over the past couple of days I have been getting him on the toilet every 3 - 4 hours which seems to be doing the trick.  'Little man' wakes up with a wet nappy and doesn't do anything when I get him on the toilet first thing.  That doesn't bother me as he stays dry for the rest of the day.  It's become a bit of a game as he knows he gets a hug and a treat for using the toilet.

Each afternoon 'little man' has become extremely happy and funny which has lasted until he has fallen asleep.  We have found the trick to get him to sleep when we want him to sleep is for me to cuddle him.  It has been a little bit of self indulgence on my part as I never got to do this as my son was adopted and not having any more children.  I have enjoyed him snuggling in and cuddling me until he is asleep.  This evening 'little man' was even happier than usual so did every thing he could think off to stay awake including pinching himself.  He decided he was going to play with me and was shrieking with laughter as I gave into him.  If I stopped 'little man' would shout 'Pip' until I started playing with him again.  Eventually tiredness got the better of him and he did start yawning and calmed down.  I had to put him down though as he was fighting the tiredness.  Within about 15 minutes 'little man' gave in and was sound asleep.

It's at times like this that the ache of not raising my son hits me hard. 'Little man' has blue eyes the same as my son does which leaves me feeling a bit choked up at times like this. He has brown hair though whereas my son has blonde hair.  I wonder, when I play with him, what it would have been like raising my son.  What he was like at the same age?

In the past I found it hard to interact with friends sons.  It was too painful.  Maybe having been reunited has helped me to work through that.  My friends sons love spending time with us as we take them over the park and to the local locomotion museum.  The other two have bright ginger hair and aged 5 and 9 so very independent.  Of course these days I have to deal with the pain and sadness of knowing I will never know my grandson.  My son has made his feelings quite clear.  This is what adoption does, for us it has destroyed our lives and my son is allowing the cycle affect his son's life by not including one grandmother.

When will it stop? 

Happy Birthday Anthony

Another birthday has arrived and today you are 31 years old.  As always I am thinking off you and hoping you are having a good time.  Give your son a hug every day as this time with him is precious.  Before you know he will be a grown man himself.  The years go by too quickly.  I will always love you more than you realize. 

Capturing those special moments.

We have our friends youngest son over for a few days.  When he is on his own he is a little sweetheart and much easier to deal with when he is told off.  The little angel is three years old, he is 'behind' with his speech and is still in nappies (diapers ;) ).

This afternoon and this evening 'little man' as we affectionately call him has been very happy.  Hubby was sleeping for a few hours as he hasn't been sleeping well lately.  'Little man' spent quite a bit of time on my lap chattering away in his way pointing at different things trying to pronounce the words for different things.  It made me smile and I was saying the words then he would attempt to repeat back.  Today 'little man' said one of our dogs names for the first which made me laugh as he said it so clearly.

This evening 'little man' snuggled right into me but refused to give into the tiredness.  If I tried moving slightly to get more comfortable he would fling his arms round me.  It was an effort not to cry as I missed out on all this with Anthony.  It's the first time in years that my emotions overwhelmed me.  I was glad I had a good excuse to cuddle him.  'Little man' loves his cuddles as he has to fight for attention at home.  His brothers interfere when he has 'mum' time.  For me, tonight, it has been a stark reminder of what I have missed out on not raising Anthony.