Not a Good Enough Mother

Not a Good Enough Mother

Once upon a time I dreamed of being a mother,
A loving marriage to have in the future,
A future full of love, happiness and laughter,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

When I was older life was different to my dreams,
Single and pregnant I want to be a mother by any means,
Having a job and ready to be a mother wasn't seen,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

 
My parents were angry I couldn't abort,
Not listening to what I thought,
The discussion that followed was very short,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

The adoption agency was coercive,
The trust I had at first short lived,
Frightened and alone without support,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

My dream of being a mother swiftly dying,
At night alone in my bed crying,
Emotionally shutting down and sighing,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

Life went on, the pain has never died,
Dreams never coming true of being a mother, 
My emptiness I could only hide,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

My dream of meeting my son one day,
Came true, my fears began sway,
Could I now prove I could be a good mother?
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

Happiness, sadness, depression and pain.
What else could I gain?
My son I love so much I can claim,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother. 

 
Dreams of happiness have been shattered,
My son expected a perfect mother,
I tried my best and yet could not do enough,
To my son I am not a good enough mother.

Philippa Hope-Hornsey

Mother?

Mother?

Who am I to the world?
Not a mother I am told,
Just an ordinary woman,
What am I, if not a mother?

No child for me to raise,
For me no one to praise,
A wife is all I am now,
What am I, if not a mother?

The ache in my heart,
My world blown apart,
Emptiness filling my life,
Not to be a mother ever.

Loneliness that I can't express well,
A void not filled for me to dwell,
Sadness always part of my life,
Not to be a mother ever.

Time to move forward firm,
To a happier future I turn,
Nothing I can change in my past,
My truth is I am a mother.

I do not know what my future holds,
Only that my past must fold,
I now know who my son is,
My truth is that I am a mother.

Reunion

Reunion

Reunion was something I never expected,
A dream I couldn't allow myself,
If it happened then be deeply regretted,
A dream to be put on a high shelf.

Enduring the years with regret in my heart,
Wishing I had support and been stronger,
That I could relive that time with me son a part,
Knowing that I could only ever ponder.

Unhappiness deep in my soul, my very being,
A happy face for the world to see,
A pain deep inside like a tide never receding,
Never showing the complete and real me.

Nobody to talk to who would understand,
My silence was my invisible wall,
Until the day I found my son, a shock for me,
Wanting to be brave, not wanting to fall.

I wasn't prepared for what was to follow,
Pain, joy, sadness, love, so many emotions,
Nothing could replace the years of sorrow,
Or prepare me for our future conversations.

Our reunion hasn't been so perfect,
Words that have been spoken,
That cannot be taken back then perfected,
Wanting the time over again.

Nobody knows the damage done to two souls,
Until it is too late for mother and child,
One old enough to remember, taking a toll,
The other too young, oh child of mine.

Memories

Memories

Once a young woman without a care,
Working by day and at night having fun,
Plenty of friends to share my life with,
Then came a boyfriend to steal my heart.

Life was too short to worry about tomorrow,
I was happy and falling in love with my man,
Having fun and going out such good times,
We got engaged little did I know he'd change.

I was so happy I didn't see him change,
Slowly the possessiveness and jealousy set in,
Still loved him though and carried on,
I was like a trapped bird wanting to fly.

I wanted to please him so settled down,
Until one day I wanted to see my friends,
My man I wanted but wanted my life too,
We compromised and I thought we'd get closer.

One day it got so bad that we split,
I was broken hearted but knew it was best,
Little did I know how bad the future would get,
How so much time would be wasted for me.

Not much time later I knew I was pregnant,
No baby for me to keep my parents decided,
My baby was born no support given to me,
One tiny life that needed his first mother.

I battled the decision but lies won he went,
My heart was broken for the child I wanted,
Never mentioned as if he had never existed,
My life was to go on like nothing happened.

The years went by I went a bit wild,
Living my life as if without a care,
Inside I was in turmoil outside happy,
The pain never went but life carried on.

Men came into my life but I couldn't trust,
I became hard on the outside not needing a soul,
Inside I was a sad young woman crying,
Until the day I tried to trust another young man.

We got married the years haven't been easy,
I just wanted to be loved and to be needed,
Has it been worth it I wondered often,
I haven't been alone and have been needed.

Last year I found my boy to my shock,
Scared but needed to know he was okay,
To discover he had already found my family,
Why couldn't they be honest with us both.

I love my son very much no matter what,
He is part of my life like my husband,
My future I need to plan with care,
How better can my life be with my two men.

R.E.U.N.I.T.E.D.

R.E.U.N.I.T.E.D.

Relinquishment, the hardest thing to do for any woman,
Her baby lost to adoption, never to be hers again,
Sadness, pain, torn to pieces, two lives that need repairing,
The future is bleak for the mother who's lost her child.

Enduring onwards, the pain to be beaten down,
Despair and heartache always there, hidden by a smile,
Pretending the world is rosy and moving forever on,
The hard exterior hiding so many cracks beneath.

Undying love for the lost child keeps her going on,
The years go by and the memory never, ever fades,
Work occupies her mind during the day, partying at night,
Life has to go on , the act never broken as she is strong.

Nothing really changes inside with birthdays as a reminder,
Men come and go in her life as she will not commit,
Too frightened to get close, too frightened to be pregnant,
Fears of pressure and lies that cannot be fought again.

Intense pain eventually buried so deep inside her soul,
Needing to be loved before she is too old for love,
A young man, younger then her, determined to win her,
She accepts his love, frightened to end her life alone.

Trust in another begins to grow though not completely,
She needs another despite being guarded and keeps control,
They marry and travel through their life together cautiously,
The years go by with her still hurting but not alone.

Eventually her dream comes true for closure at last,
To find her son simply by chance, not prepared,
Her heart acts then her head takes over in complete fear,
The fear dispels, the response from her son positive.

Dreams do come true for those good of heart and faith,
Today I couldn't be happier even if I tried any harder,
My Lord took me on a journey I couldn't begin to understand,
Yet now I do knowing my precious son is alive.

The First Meeting

The First Meeting

I had only seen my son one time,
As a newborn held in arms of mine,
So perfect and small, so precious,
My son I would love but not to see.

Twenty three years later I find him,
My shock over shadowed by my love for him,
Love that had been within my very soul,
Finding him has made my existence whole again.

Overwhelmed I was with all of this,
Wanting to know so much was my wish,
Fear of rejection was in my thoughts,
Learning to talk and all that it brought.

One day I suggested we meet if he wanted,
My son agreed, my wish was granted,
The deep yearning to see how he looked,
My feelings so complex I couldnt talk.

So many feelings resurfacing from deep inside,
The hurt and the pain, of tears I had cried,
Of not parenting my son, not seeing him grow,
Missing so much of of his life, I was low.

I was scared but needing to see him,
My love for him was great and never dim,
The day came quickly and I was glad,
Never again would I have to feel so sad.

My son was an hour late to our meeting place,
My thoughts of lost years not to be replaced,
The start of new memories of times to come,
Waiting there in an early day of autumn.

He walked straight past me into the pub,
I waited a few moments then into the noisy pub,
Then I sat by him, scared to talk to him,
Amazed that there was no mistaking my kin.

We talked and I gave him a copied marriage certificate,
He gave me photographs, was this my fate?
To meet then no more contact for us,
One of the photographs of him as a baby, why did I fuss.

The tears dried quickly as we shared a hug,
I didn't want to let go, it was like a drug,
The afternoon and evening went far to quick,
I made the most of it being strong as a brick.

The day couldn't have been better,
Except for my husband being at the end of his tether,
We sorted this out, our love strong,
With my son the much needed bond.

What more could I ask for of my men,
I love them both in different ways then,
A day to remember always, never forgotten,
A sense of peace that is my own haven.

First Mother

First Mother

I am a mother yet I am not acknowledged,
No more children for me yet I have one,
To the world I am married yet childless,
My son loves me yet I have none.

My heart aches for what I have lost,
Yet my heart is happy for what I have gained,
I may not have a child in my life,
Yet who knows I may gain grandchildren.

My son is so special to me,
He has yet to trust another,
His love is yet to grow for him towards me,
All I want to be is a second mother.

We have much in common through our genes,
I want to hug him so many times,
We are as one family he knows what it means,
What more could I want life is so fine.

Self indulgence

We have had our friends youngest son over since Thursday and he has been comical at times.  'Little man' as we affectionately call him is three years old, is still in nappies and he is 'behind' in his speech. His parents have been told he could be autistic.

Over the past couple of days I have been getting him on the toilet every 3 - 4 hours which seems to be doing the trick.  'Little man' wakes up with a wet nappy and doesn't do anything when I get him on the toilet first thing.  That doesn't bother me as he stays dry for the rest of the day.  It's become a bit of a game as he knows he gets a hug and a treat for using the toilet.

Each afternoon 'little man' has become extremely happy and funny which has lasted until he has fallen asleep.  We have found the trick to get him to sleep when we want him to sleep is for me to cuddle him.  It has been a little bit of self indulgence on my part as I never got to do this as my son was adopted and not having any more children.  I have enjoyed him snuggling in and cuddling me until he is asleep.  This evening 'little man' was even happier than usual so did every thing he could think off to stay awake including pinching himself.  He decided he was going to play with me and was shrieking with laughter as I gave into him.  If I stopped 'little man' would shout 'Pip' until I started playing with him again.  Eventually tiredness got the better of him and he did start yawning and calmed down.  I had to put him down though as he was fighting the tiredness.  Within about 15 minutes 'little man' gave in and was sound asleep.

It's at times like this that the ache of not raising my son hits me hard. 'Little man' has blue eyes the same as my son does which leaves me feeling a bit choked up at times like this. He has brown hair though whereas my son has blonde hair.  I wonder, when I play with him, what it would have been like raising my son.  What he was like at the same age?

In the past I found it hard to interact with friends sons.  It was too painful.  Maybe having been reunited has helped me to work through that.  My friends sons love spending time with us as we take them over the park and to the local locomotion museum.  The other two have bright ginger hair and aged 5 and 9 so very independent.  Of course these days I have to deal with the pain and sadness of knowing I will never know my grandson.  My son has made his feelings quite clear.  This is what adoption does, for us it has destroyed our lives and my son is allowing the cycle affect his son's life by not including one grandmother.

When will it stop? 

Grief

On a forums I rarely 'visit' thread was started titled feelings of mothers after relinquishing their child.  One of the responses reminded me of the day of my mother's funeral.  I had found it hard to grief for my mother, most of the time I felt numb.  There had been unresolved issues between us mostly to do with my son.  She had never accepted him and I could never understand why she could love her first granddaughter yet so easily reject him just because I was single.  My mother loved all her granddaughters as they came along.  

When my son found my family my mother still couldn't accept him.  He was an adult, there was no mistaking he was my son but something inside my mother still wouldn't switch on.  I cannot understand how a mother can reject a grandchild when she knows what it is like to love her own children.  The rejection was bad enough for her to send him a letter in 2001 telling him to accept I didn't want to be found.  She knew that I wanted to be found  so it was cruel of her to lie.  What else could I have expected though as my family didn't tell him where I was.  The lame excuse was that they didn't know where I was but my sister had told my husband about my son.

On the day of the funeral I was okay until the service ended and we were going outside.  I got to the vicar then I absolutely howled.  Naturally he thought I was crying because it was my mother's funeral.  It went beyond that.  I was crying because she never once said sorry for what she put me through to make sure my son was adopted.  There was also the verbal abuse I suffered at her hands that I was never good enough.  I was always the black sheep of the family.  Nothing I could do would ever change her mind.  I was also crying because my mother had had the attitude that I was nothing to my son.  In her eyes his only mother was his adoptive mother.

Since then I have not been able to cry for my mother.  There was too much damage done and nothing could put it right because my mother refused to accept that she had been wrong.  It is such a profound feeling of pain being separated from a child and it can't be truly explained.

The Media

It appears that I am damned if I go 'public' with my story and damned if I don't speak out.

Back in 2009 three articles were written and I got good feed back as they were 'feel good' articles about adoption and reunion.  These were followed through with interviews on This Morning (ITV), BBC South East News and BBC Radio Kent.

Recently the journalist did another article for the Daily Mail -  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2168418/Losing-boy-destroyed-Finding-life-WORSE.html - as a catch up.  This time it was about reunion failing so I expected negative feed back.  I am used to being attacked for being selfish, for making excuses and blaming others for my choices.  This is something I have had to deal with for eight years now.  It used to upset me but now it's like water of a duck's back as these people don't know or understand what I have been through.  It is beyond their comprehension that coerced / forced adoption happens today let alone back in the 1980's.  I would probably feel the same if I hadn't been through it.  After all why why social workers / adoption agencies lie to mothers?  The answer is quite simple the number of babies being surrendered has dropped dramatically in the UK since the 1970's when single mothers started to get  more support.

Only one person has managed to get my back up and that person should know me better as she does know my story.  The problem is that legally the journalist had to be careful what she wrote and how she worded the article.  She does know the full story from my point of view and she knows a bit from my son's point but she hasn't spoken to his adoptive parents.  It also goes further than that from a moral point of view that it wouldn't have been fair to tell it as it was as to how bad it was my son living with us.  There were faults on all sides.  I acknowledge that.  I apologised to my son time and time again.  He was 'never in the wrong', he was 'blameless' yet from my point of view I see a damaged man who is coming up for 31 years.  My son deserves respect for what he has been through nor is it his fault he was adopted.  He has no right, however, to continually blame other people for his behaviour.  He is an adult now.  We tried to help.  We excused his behaviour until I couldn't take any more and exploded.  We did the family counselling and got him counselling.  The problem is while my son is in denial we can't have a relationship because I'm the bad guy and I'm not good enough for him.  He knows I couldn't take any more due to exploding in the middle of the family counselling session and I came out with a few home truths.  It was the first time I ever saw him have nothing to say about his behaviour.  Normally he would turn it back on me and blame me.  It was always my fault.

The person who upset me is questioning my motives and in a negative way.  She is wrong.  I am NOT trying to put off people off searching.  I never said that nor was that printed in the article.  It is simply about a failed reunion and this does happen.  I have got to know people over the years who have had good reunions, bad reunions and others somewhere in between.  I am NOT trying to damage what others have done before me and will continue to do in the future.  It is simply one person's experience of reunion.  I DO support adoption reform.  I DO support everybody who wants the full truth of B.S.E. to be known, of coerced / forced adoptions being public knowledge.  After all I DO know what it is like.  I have had to live with it for almost 31 years.  Adopted adults and formerly fostered adults are entitled to be treated the same as non adopted people.  It is a sad day that I have to defend myself to the very people that know I have an understanding of what they have been through.  I have lived with it and have learned so much from people who were adopted / fostered.  I am NOT the bad guy here.  

Life beyond adoption?

How does a mother move on and away from adoption?

It is part of her make up, her emotions, every part of her being.  Her baby can be taken away form her physically but her pregnancy and childbirth cannot be wiped away  Her love for her child cannot be taken away.  Nothing can wipe away the experience.

Like so mothers before me and after me I can't ignore the horrors of adoption.  It is something I will always have to live with.  Why does each day have to be so painful?

Life before reunion was easier as I didn't have to talk about my son.  It was easier to keep my emotions locked away.  I could deal with avoiding adoption.

Reunion forced me to face my demons.  Reunion forced me to deal with depression and the root cause.  To deal with suicide attempts.  To deal with self harming.  I was a mother on a mission.  I felt the need to work through my emotions which were powerful.

Nobody warned me of dealing with the dark side of adoption.  Nobody warned me I would have so many critics including my own family.  Nobody warned me I would be accused of lying about being coerced.  Of really wanting my son adopted otherwise I would have, could have stopped it.  Of possible being an unfit mother as adoption happens for a reason.  Maybe my critics are right that I am bitter, angry, a twisted liar, that I need a hobby, that I need to forget about my son as I don't deserve to know him as he believes I'm a twisted liar.  My son has never accused me of being a twisted liar but he has accused me of doing and saying things that I haven't said or done.  He has accused me of saying things that he has actually said.

I have had to deal with the stupid comments such as it's wrong for my son to have called me mum.  It was his choice.  The logic was he has a mother, his adoptive mother, so I don't have the right to be called mum.  It makes no difference that I didn't tell my son what to call me.  Even my own mother had this attitude  She went further to say that she couldn't understand why he wanted to know me as his only family is his adoptive family.  In her eyes I was nothing to him. 

Nothing would make me happier if I could go back and change my life but I can't and I have to live with this pain.  I am so tired of adoption.  The trying to get away from adoption issues except for when I choose to is hard.  How it would be to be able to just get on with life without being caught up in the net of adoption.  Life would be so much easier but I can't cut it completely out of my life.

Being positive....

Today I feel more positive.   To add to my woes of late I found a lump just above my right leg rwo weeks ago after Rick and I had our photo shoot for the article that is being written.  My skin had been itchy anyway but round that area it also felt a bit tender.  I do suffer with stress / depression related rashes which are either itchy and inflamed or the skin is dry.  Until the lump appeared I wasn't worried but it got larger.  Yesterday I saw a locum doctor rather than the one I usually see.  She knows my medical history whereas the locum doesn't.  He made notes on the computer and examined me then came to the conclusion I have an infection so prescribed cream for the rash.  I found it a bit frustrating as he completely disregarded what I told him about the rash being on ongoing problem.  He also only checked recent medical history.  The doctor told me that if it isn't any better after a week and the lump is still there to go back.  I'm not worried about the rash as it's on ongoing problem that I have learned to live with.  What I am worried about is the lump even though it isn't painful most of the time.  I suffer with a dull ache with it when I have been active.

I know I am a bit anxious about the article and what sort of reaction it will bring out in people.  The past ones have had positive feedback as they have been about reunion and how we dealt with the lows as well as the highs.  This time it's a catch up one which is more to do with the lows.  I love my son very much and I will never regret finding him.  The 'but' is I have had moments when I have wished I hadn't found him due to the heartbreak reunion has caused.  That sounds cruel but it isn't meant to be I am just trying to be honest.

Pre reunion it was easy for me to have my fantasy that my son was happy and had a great life.  That he was okay with being adopted or even that he didn't know.  Finding my son was the happiest day of my life as I knew he was alive, well and believed that he wanted to know me.  Nothing had prepared either of us for reunion so I accept that it wasn't easy for either of us.  We are probably too much alike, more than we had expected.  I wanted reunion to work with all my heart so having to deal with the dark side hasn't been easy.  Even when I have wished that I could have carried on with the fantasy deep down I have been even more certain that I did the right thing contacting my son.  He has had closure and found out medical information.  I know he has finally settled, has a job, has a house and is a father.  If we hadn't had that contact neither of us would have had closure.

The past couple of weeks have just been particularly bad for me emotionally (depression and health), the cyber bullying and finding out information the way I did.  I also fear a backlash for being honest about reunion even though I love my son and don't regret reunion.  The knowing is far better than not knowing.  I would rather know my son is alive no matter what he thinks of me than not knowing or worse still that he had died.

Real Mother

This is a subject that can be heated in adoption discussions and one that frustrates me.  A real mother, to me in general terms, is a mother who loves, nurtures, looks after her child or children and tries to be the best mother she can be.  A woman can also be a mother figure and I have had the privilege of having a few in my life like that. 

In adoption the adoptive mother is the mother and very real.  When it comes to natural mothers there are extremes in opinions with plenty of grey in between.  Due to being expected to get on with my life and forget about my son I couldn't allow myself to even think off myself as a mother.  I felt like a non-entity for so many years and could never speak of having had a child.  It was mostly shame as after all who doesn't stand their ground about raising their own child.  I didn't even know about coerced adoptions let alone that I had been a victim of this.

Finding my son was the happiest day of my life.  His birth should have been the happiest but even on that day I knew I was on a losing battle to try and keep him.  I finally felt like a proper mother.  The first time my son called me mum left me with a warm glow and the first time we met I knew instinctly we had a bond.  By the time he came to live with us it felt normal to tell people I had a son if I was asked.  It is obvious that we are mother and son when we have been together and in the photographs I have.  In the time he was living with us I also finally felt like a real mother, something I never thought or expected to happen.  Since he has moved out I still feel the same despite everything that has happened.  He has decided he wants a new life his way so I am leaving it at that.  I don't ecpect to be part of it ever but I don't ever regret the time we had.  I sometimes wonder if he treats his adoptive parents the same so I wouldn't be surpised to find out he does.  He has so many issues with them and me.

Every time the debate comes up about real mothers I am regularly told I'm not a real mother nor can I call myself a mother.  The attitude from those that believe that is I surrendered him so my son's only mother is his adoptive mother therefore his only real mother.  In their eyes it doesn't matter that I went through pregnancy and childbith I gave him up.  They wont accept that I was coerced and being a mother to him post reunion still doesn't me a mother let alone a real mother.  Mothers can love more than one child so why can't adopted people love more than one mother or consider they have more than one real mother?

http://www.forgottenmothersuk.org.uk

Cyber bullying at its worst

In all the years I have been using the internet I haven't had any problems with cyber bullying until last year.  There have been times I have fallen out with people and we've either made up or ignored each other afterwards.

The cyber bullying started on Y!A by someone using the name 'Alice' who claimed to be a natural mother who surrendered a daughter, is married and had a step daughter.  She claimed to have some contact with her daughter but it was a mutual decision not to pursue the relationship.  'Alice' claimed that she was going to adopt her step daughter whom she had been a 'mother' too since being married to her father.  She also claims to work in the adoption field and her tag line is adoption is a labour of love.  Quite quickly she started attacking me claiming I was a liar, I hadn't been coerced and my son didn't want to know me because he knows I'm a liar.  'Alice' also had a follower, 'pocmoz32' that is very possibly an altered ego but I can't prove that.  This 'person' was equally annoying in the attacks.  It stopped for several months.

Earlier this year it started up again but this time 'Alice' came back as '?' but all the regulars knew who it was because of her tagline.  Now, apparantly, the step daughter had died so would explain the silence although there are users who disbelief a lot of what she claims is going on in her life.  I have accepted it.  Over the past few months the attacks have intensified, been malicious and downright hurtful.  I am now a twisted liar, my son went to Canada to run away from me and my lies and I have been caught out on my lies.  The final straw was '?' posting links in questions to prove that I have been caught out.  The last question was in reference to the first part of the youtube video of the This Morning interview and asking if this was a case of coerced / forced adoption.  The interview was about reunion and the subsequent problems we went through.  It wasn't about coerced / forced adoption so the interview as no relevence to this types of adoption.  It left me in a dreadful state and I kept breaking down over the weekend.  Due to the complaints questions have been removed and most of the comments.  Only one or two remain.

I was at that point that I wanted to withdraw my presence from online as much as possible.  The intention to jack it all in over speaking out about adoption was a very real intention.  I was on a virtual nervous breakdown and only stopped myself from overdosing because we had our friends children over.  That was my life saver!  Since then I have had so much support that it has been overwhelming.  I will be eternally thankful to everybody who has supported me over the past few days.  You all deserve a medal and a huge 'thank you' from me

Gut wrenching feeling of pain

At times it almost feels like reunion was just a dram with parts being good and much being painful.  The feeling of pain is profound and not easily explained.  Most of the time it's like a dull ache.  At times I regret finding my son as reunion was often difficult and filled with anger on his part.  I know I made mistakes and have apologised for them.  He rarely admitted to being in the wrong and when he did it was as if he was just doing this to make me feel better.  All I ever wanted from my son was honesty but instead I was constantly lied too and had accusations chucked at me.

The positive is that I know my son is alive and well.  I also have some good memories as do have so much in common.  I will always love my son unconditionally.  This is something that mothers will understand.  Love is instintive and a natural emotion.  Mybe this is why I feel so much pain because of reunion.  Nothing I did was ever good enough yet whatever my son chucked at me the love for him has never lessened.  It just makes me feel sad now.

I will always feel like a non mother because the world, in general, doesn't accept me as a mother.  I know I am a mother but I don't have the same privilege as mothers  who have raised children of just being accepted as a mother.  I will always be labelled.  No doubt there will be people who will judge me for occasionally wishing reunion hadn't happened.  They will never understand the pain as well as the joy that it brings     Or the rush of buied emotions that come to the surface.  The hope that it help ease depression didn't happen either.  It made it worse as I have sseen the damage that adoption has done to my son.  We were both victims of adoption.  Now all I can do is survive the best way I can.

Bad Day

Today has been one of those days I wish I could curl up, go to sleep and hibernate for a year.  Depression is hitting me harder than ever and the periods of being happy are shorter and further apart.  It's at times like this I wonder what is the point of living.  Being restricted in what I can do makes me realize that what little I manage to do isn't appreciated by anybody.  I don't expect to thanked for what I do but it would be nice if at least one person noticed.  I am tired of making light of it with friends.  I know they care but I am too scared to open up completely about how I am feeling as they don't understand depression or how it feels to suffer.  Normally I can find something to get engrossed in but I have given up the will to try and too tired to put up a front anymore.  Part of me wants to scream, yell and have a good cry but I haven't got the energy to do that either.

I'm also losing the will to talk about adoption as well as I can't change attitudes either.  Even if I could only change Anthony's attitude I would be happy but he has made it quite clear how he feels.  It hurts so much.  Adoption will always be my painful cross to bear and nothing can change that.  I lost my one chance of motherhood.  Nothing can change that and it's something I wish I could have achieved.  That will never happen but having another child wouldn't have replaced him.  I hate feeling the way I do.  I should be happy that we reunited but instead it made the pain worse.  Reunion couldn't replace the lost years.  I am not the mother he wanted to find.  I cannot give him anything except love and he has chucked that back in my face.  i cannot do anything than I have already done.  I still feel guilty and blame myself for our reunion going badly yet I know I am not responsible for his actions.

I try to be positive about the future but don't have any goals for the future.  Those were lost when Anthony was adopted.  Extra time in the form of reunion just made the game of life worse.  Nothing can make me feel better as I can't turn the clocks back and raise my precious son....

Y!A masochist

Today one of the questions on Y!A was What are stereotypes of adoptive parents, birth mothers or adopted people?.   It’s been a while since a question like this has been posted.  My views over the years have changed particularly since I found my son.

It’s not unusual for people to put adoptive parents into a category.   Some people think adoptive parents are saviours who deserve a medal for taking on somebody else’s child.  Other people believe they are selfish, greedy infertile baby snatchers who don’t care how much the baby costs and that they believe they are entitled to another mother’s baby.  The term womb wet baby is sometimes chucked out there on Y!A for some people who are desperate to adopt a new born.  It isn’t the best term to use but very accurate for some people who only want to adopt a baby.  I know from my own experience that I was made to feel selfish for wanting to raise my son and his adoptive parents deserved him than I did.  I was also told they couldn’t have children due to their infertility.  It was another 23 years before I found out that they could have children.  They had a son when my son was 20 months old.  I have a cousin who had two sons with his wife before they decided to adopt.  I do believe they chose to adopt for the right reasons.  They adopted a girl then twins – a brother and sister.   I do believe adoptive parents have various reasons for adopting and the ones I respect the most are those who adopt from foster care and special needs children.  

I intensely dislike the term birth mother.   The first time I heard of the term was when I joined an adoption forums.  Nowhere on my son’s birth certificate or the paperwork am I referred to as a birth mother.  I am simply referred to as his mother.  It started off in America and unfortunately crossed the big pond.   It does dehumanise mothers and makes us sound as if we are second rate mothers who have been reduced to being birthers.  I have come across a variety of views over the past view years.  I have lost track of the number of people who believe mothers are at least one of the following; white trailer trash, prostitutes, drug addicts. poor, uneducated, young, single, irresponsible and selfish so don’t deserve their children.  This simple isn’t true.  I was 19 when I had my son but came from a middle class back ground and I worked for the civil service.  I didn’t do drugs, was a social drinker and could afford to raise my son.  I have got to know many other mothers who have surrendered children.  A few chose adoption of their own free will, a few had their children removed for a variety of reasons but most of us were coerced or felt we had no choice because we weren’t supported in our choice to be mothers.  Some mothers I have got to know who had their children removed due to their lifestyles deeply regret not doing something about it at the time.  They have since change their lifestyles because they want the chance to prove they can be decent people if they are found by their children.

All I will comment on adoptees is the experience of reuniting with my son.  It’s been food, bad and ugly.  He is a charming, loving intelligent man who has trust, rejection and abandonment issues.  He has issues with adoption and hates what my parents did to me.

I am one of the....

.... forgotten mothers and it hurts so much.  The pain is gut wrenching to the point that I feel like my heart is being ripped out.  I am not alone living with this kind of pain, there are so many around the world.  Reunion doesn't make any difference as the pain becomes even more real knowing my son and the life he has had.  His adoptive parents are nice people who clearly love him but they can't or don't want to understand what I went through for him to be adopted.  It is easier and the comfortable option to believe I wanted my son to be adopte and have two parents.  I want to scream at the world this isn't true, the truth is I wanted to raise my son, I wanted to be a mother.

I am an ordinary woman who lives an ordinary life in an ordinary town yet I have been told by one person that a film could be made of my life.  It could but I wonder how many people would believe it was true.  When I tell friends about my life they can't understand why I was treated the way I was by certain family members.  It does sound bizarre to the point of unbelievable yet I know it's the truth. I know there are people who do bleive me as theyhave had similar lives to me.

When I was growing up I didn't know that adoption would have such an impact on me. I knew I had three cousins who were internationally adopted but I just accepted it.  Adoption just wasn't a subject that was talked about.  Even after my son was adopted I was expected to get on with my life, never talk about him and to get on with my life.

Adoption hurts.

http://www.forgottenmothersuk.org.uk