Amazing how time flies ....

.... when you're having fun.

So much time has gone by since I even looked at this blog let alone posted.  The adoption forums that I posted on no longer have a 'pull' - well one changed names after the 'mantle' was passed on.  The original one I have tried to go back to but members I liked have either been banned like I was although I have rejoined with a different name or simply don't post anymore.  The other hasn't existed for some time.   I still check on Facebook for the people that have really mattered to me through the whole reunion disaster and loss of contact.  Other strands have come from groups / Facebook friends lists and groups - they help me to keep realitively sane.  It would very easy to shut the door on that part of my life but it won't take the pain away, it won't take the memories away, I won't be able to forget.  I have revisited Y!A occasionally but I don't have any desire to go back 'there' again either.  Maybe I have lost my fight, maybe I have done all I can, maybe I simply need to just be kind to myself.

The past year has had a huge impact on me when my dad died.  My sister rang to let me know but I was out during the day then went out for a meal with friends in the evening.  She managed to speak to my husband eventually who, in turn, was able to get hold of me.  He didn't want to tell me over the phone but fortunately I was about to go home anyway.  I knew as soon as he spoke as he started to tell me there was no easy way to tell me and I just said 'My Dad's died'.

It was and will always be the hardest phone call my sister and I will ever have.  

Does DNA matter?

On Y!A it is sometiomes chucked 'out there' that DNA doesn't matter.  It does annoy me as nobody has the right to say that unless they are speaking about themselves.  Just going on medical information it is important but it doesn't mean necessarily mean family will get on.

I know from personal experience that DNA is 100% important.  For many years I said my family made The Addams Family look normal.  From the outside looking in we looked and behaved like a perfectly normal family.  Behind closed doors the cracks started appearing when I got to my teens.  This was also when I felt like the odd one out, the ugly duck living with swans, the cuckoo in the nest.  I had my moments when I wished I was adopted so I wouldn't have to suffer being such a disappointment.  Of course at that point I didn't know how much of a sensitive subject adoption could be. 

Now I have a much better understanding from a personal point of view.  Being pregnant at 19 years old I began to understand what real love is.  If the truth be known that was a little part of why I wanted to be a mother.  I already loved the baby inside of me and knew instinctively I could be a good mother.  It wasn't to be thanks to my 'wonderful' parents.  By this time a couple of people got glimpses as to what my parents particularly my mum were like. They were careless, at times, of what they said.

It's soul destroying not to raise a child.  The only people who understand are those who have been through the same experience. I have been at the receiving end of it with people either not knowing what to say or come out with some stupid comment.  The last time this happened to me was several months ago.  Rick had told a friend about me being forced to surrender.  He then brought it up in a bible study evening.  One of our other friends didn't say anything and the other did.  She is a lovely lady who is a sprightly 80.  I got lines along "Well you was young", "You didn't have a choice" and "It was the right thing to do.".  I didn't want to hurt her feelings so gritted my teeth and gently told her the truth of what really happened and I haven't seen someone shut up then change the subject so quickly in a long time.

Connecting with Anthony was scary as it unlocked all my emotions.  We are so much alike it is as if I had raised him.  DNA has mattered with us and not just for medical information.  He knows where he gets his looks from, likes, dislikes and so on.  Unfortunately he has major adoption issues and some people I know believe he is a nacissist so our reunion was doomed before it started.

Due to recent events ~ getting a copy of my mum's will ~ has put me back in the same situation I was in 1999.  I had a massive row with my sister who was doing the uasual of accusing me of doing things I hadn't.  I was so angry and frustrated at my family I told her I didn't want to speak to any of them again.  Late 2001 I started contact with my parents but I didn't talk to my sister for 12 years and that was only because my mum died.  For a long time I had been the black sheep of the family, the family outcast.  Getting back in touch with my parents just papered over the large cracks.

Due to finding out what was in my mum's will is enough for me to say I am throwing in the towel.  I was expecting to be cut out and I have been.  I am finally admitting that DNA doesn't matter with me any more.  There is no way I want anything to do with my family now, they are nothing to do with me now.  My real family are my in laws, friends and my church family.  

Is it me who is wrong about my views on adoption ....

.... in general or is it other people not accepting I have valid points?

It's been getting on for two years since I have suffered a vendetta from someone who appears to hate me with a vengeance.  I'm not bothered that she doesn't like my views on adoption as it would be a boring world if everybody agreed with each other.  What I do have a problem with is people behaving as if they know me better than I know myself.

The latest attacker is being particularly nasty and I am getting to the point of trying not to sink deep into depression and to see the funny side of it.  For what it's worth I do believe that this person has gone through a terrible time of it with her parents.  However that isn't a reason to take it out on me and she needs to have counselling to help her move on.

 Up until recently this person was asking questions which were button pushing to get reactions.  One of the favourites is to attack those she classes as 'anti adoption no matter what'.  The last question she asked was a dig at me and others who have similar views.  The question got deleted but I will quote from it;

"Do anti adoption people ever read stories like this one in the news?

https://search.yahoo.com/search?cs=bz&p=Killing%20of%203%20daughters&fr=fp-tts-430&fr2=ps&woeid=2455080"

I did read the article and it is incredibly sad and the mother will have to live with what she did for the rest of her life - she killed her children.  It is very likely that post natal depression (post partum depression) played a part as to why she did it as her children were aged 2 years and younger.

"It just horrifies me to realize that if that "mom" had been on the internet asking about giving her babies up for adoption, the fanatical whack jobs on this site (ahem, Pip) who tell every single person that "You are the best parent for your baby", would have told this psycho "mom" the exact same thing." 

Well that's a new one even for me to be called a fanatical whack job.  She doesn't know how people like me would have answered if this mom had posted a question.  Nor can she assume how the mother would have asked the question.  With limited information if a mother had posted that she had three young and was finding it hard to cope I would possibly have suggested she went to her doctor.  I don't know for certain how I would have answered the question if the mother had asked for help / advice.

"I guess my question is, are these people evil, deluded or do they just not give a crap about children at all?" 

I know for a fact that I am not evil or deluded and I have always said the child's needs / best interests should come first.  I have always said if a mother is a threat to her child / children the child / children should be removed for their own safety.  This person obviously just reads the parts of my answers she disagrees with.  I have got bored with telling her that I have posted that abused children should be removed from their abusers.

"Go ahead and try to justify your psychosis, I really don't care."

It's amazing that she can diagnose me suffering with psychosis based on my answers.  She doesn't know me in real life and as far as I know she isn't a doctor.  I have never denied I suffer with depression but I have seen enough doctors to know I simply suffer with severe depression brought on by my life experiences / adoption.   

"The fact remains, that you tell every single person WHO YOU DON"T KNOW A THING ABOUT that "You are the best parent for your child".  You must have a full time job of investigating each and every one of these people's lives to feel that you are qualified to make that statement.  From my sporadic visits to this section of YA (since you know, I have a real life), I have realized that you spend pretty much your whole life here, have no friends in real life, and project your own experience onto everyone else."

I don't but there is no getting through to her.  I would also like to know how she works out I nothing better to do than investigate other people.  Even if I was that nosy I couldn't because there isn't enough information to start doing that. It would also be very interesting to know why she believes I spend all my life on Y!A.  It says more about her being obsessed with my activity therefore she is the one who can't have a life.

So I don't have any friends either and had a jaw dropping moment at that one.  It must be a figment of my imagination that I do see friends regularly and do voluntary work with these friends.  

I do use my experience when appropriate for the simple reason that I can answer questions based on this.  She should be more concerned about people answering adoption related questions without relevant experience.

After that question being asked by her she decided to answer a question I had and used it as a soapbox to also insult me.  Her answer hasn't been deleted yet and am wondering how nasty a person has to be before their answer is removed. Again I'm not quoting all that she wrote.
 

"Hey, I'm Pip and I'm a stupid selfish narcissistic b***h who projects my own experience onto everyone else."

As far as I'm concerned this says more about her than me as she doesn't know me and refuses to believe the truth as to why my son was adopted.  I would be interested for her to explain why she believes I am a stupid, selfish narcissistic b***h who projects my experience onto everyone else.  I am wondering if she realizes what narcissism means.  I may not agree with infant adoption and I went through a terrible experience which I wouldn't want anyone else to go through.  It doesn't give her the right to decide I am a stupid, selfish narcissist b***h.  There certainly isn't anything stupid or selfish about warning an expectant mother that there is a dark side to adoption.  She is misguided to encourage an expectant mother to go ahead with adoption without a balancing it out.

A mother could surrender her child and be 100% fine about it ~ nobody can guarantee this.

A mother could be fine about surrendering and have bad days ~ this is more realistic and does happen.

A mother could have more bad days than good ones ~  this also happens.

A mother can regret surrendering once the reality sinks in ~ this also happens.

Encouraging adoption without pointing out the negatives such as open adoption can be closed is naive and misguided.           

"Since I regret giving up my son for adoption, that means EVERYONE else will too. You should try parenting first even though you know you are not ready, and then once the kid is good and screwed up, dump him or her in foster care where there are already half a million screwed up children because of people like me who think that everyone who gives birth should be a parent."

She knows I have repeatedly posted that my son was illegally taken from me, I never verbally agreed to him being adopted or sign anything.  How can I regret a choice I didn't make in the first place? 

I have never said all parents must raise their children.  What I have said is mothers who want to parent and are capable of being good parents should be supported in their choice.  I believe parents who are a real risk to their children should have their children removed.  Some people need to learn to read my posts properly.

"Psycho!"

That just about says it all.  Just because she can insult me by calling me a psycho doesn't make her right.   

"Pip, are you seriously suggesting that she "try" parenting on for size?"

She has appeared to completely taken my suggestion out of context.  When I suggest an expectant mother tries parenting first as it's natural for her to feel that she isn't ready if it;s her first baby.  What first time parent can honestly say they are completely ready and comfortable with being a parent.  Even with planned pregnancy parents generally have their fears. She is also not taking into account mothers bond with their babies during pregnancy.  During pregnancy and even after giving birth their hormones are generally all over the place.  Of course I understand that not all mothers bond with their babies before or after birth.  I also understand that there are mothers who shouldn't have children.  The point is a mother considering adoption decides to try parenting is just as likely to decide she will keep her baby.  There are mothers who choose adoption but decide to parent after the birth of their babies as well.

"Are you really that stupid?"

I'm not as I base my suggestions on real education of mothers who have gone through this.  It's a shame she hasn't educated herself.

"Do you know how incredibly traumatic it is for a child to become attached to a caregiver over a period of time and then be transferred to another?"

Yes I do.  From personal experience I went through pregnancy and giving birth but I didn't parent.  However my son bonded with me during pregnancy so he was traumatised through being taken away from me at birth even though I didn't parent.  Again I have educated myself.  

A mother doesn't have to parent her baby for it to have a traumatic effect on the baby as the damage is done when the baby leaves the only parent he or she has known for nine months.  It was also the 'done thing' for many years for young mothers to go to maternity homes and earn their keep by working.  They were then expected to look after their babies for 6 weeks and then have to give their babies to adopters.  Not only was it traumatic for the babies it was traumatic for their mothers.  There have been articles on this subject of young mothers being forced to surrender their babies.  This person needs to do real education.  

With older children who go into care because of abuse it easier to understand how they are traumatised.  With babies it's not that simple.  

"Do you know how much brain/neuron development takes place in the first year of life and how much damage can be done in that time?"

Of course I do, I'm an intelligent life form and find it sad that this person thinks it's okay to insult my intelligence.  I didn't learn this at school I learned it in the school of hard knocks.  In other words real life has taught me this.  School education is good but real life also teaches us the real emotions of these facts.   

"Why don't you try taking a Child and Adolescent Development class because you are either A: Incredibly ignorant"

I don't need to take a course like that as I have learned through real experience therefore I'm not ignorant. I have got to know damaged children who have parents that don't have great parenting skills.  I also know people who grew up in care and the effect it had on them.  Unfortunately this includes relatives by marriage who have been bad parents.

"or B: Completely unconcerned with the well-being of the CHILD in question, in which case your son was lucky that he did not grow up with you."

I have never been unconcerned about the well being of children. I believe in encouraging mothers to be parents when they want to raise their child and can be a good mothers.  Children at real risk should be removed from their parents.  I have posted enough times that I believe any child who is at risk should be removed from their parents.  Shame this person doesn't read my posts properly!

Start of a new year

Last year was a particularly bad year for me but not because of adoption specifically.  What made me miserable and severely depressed was having a neighbour from hell and problems with one of our forums.

With our neighbour from hell his behaviour got gradually worse.  We had the ongoing battle that he was ringing up our housing association about the smell coming from our garden and that we weren't clearing up after our dogs.  We were clearing up after them and every time an officer came out she could see we were being honest.  I gave up trying to plant anything as he would pull the plants and chuck them across our garden.  Every time he wanted to mow his front garden he would insist on coming through our garden, often with his dog instead of going through the other neighbour's even though he got on with her.  He would deliberately make a noise at all times of the day and night, peer through our windows to try and upset our dogs.  I also had to deal with abuse over imagined wrongs but he would never do it when he knew Rick was about.  I wouldn't go out into our garden if he was about and would go in if he went outside while I was.  Our housing officer was great as she knew how bad his behaviour was and he was just out to cause trouble.  She also spoke to other neighbours so she knew it was only him that didn't like us.

The final straw came when, one evening, when he started being abusive to me and I finally lost it.  I didn't swear at him or threatened me but he was threatening towards me.  Rick heard what was being said, shot out and told me to go in and ring the police which I did.

Due to us having the police out it gave the housing association more grounds to start the process off.  I couldn't take any more and had been in tears the last two times we had seen our housing officer.  One of the other officers came out to see us and assured us that when the neighbour rang up to complain they would tell him straight if they felt he was being obsessive, that nobody would come out to see us unless they felt they had grounds to and that he would be told this was the last straw.  We were told it could take up to a year ri evict him and we couldn't put up with it so we moved and are now with a different housing association.  It was a shame to get to that point but we needed to do what was best for us.

The problems we were having with one of our forums was due to someone wanting to join it and he was very angry  and depressed.  With that forum we were advised to ask for some information due to a couple of members being suicidal and with one we didn't know how to get hold of her apart from her mobile number.  We contacted the police were able to find her just on her number and IP number which was amazing so she is getting the help she needs.  Anyway this man started sending me nasty and threatening emails so we contacted the police.  In the meantime he joined up with the forum with a different username and false information then started posting nasty and threatening messages mostly aimed at me.  The police were able to get hols of him quite quickly by email and he was completely honest about what he had done and that he was quite happy to be arrested.  The police officer who was dealing with the matter came round to us and asked me what I wanted as there was enough reason to arrest him.  I believe this man is severely depressed and simply need help so arresting him wouldn't solve his problems so I told him that.  He was great and managed to get professional help for the man so a good result as the man wanted real help.

At certain times of the year I become severely depressed because of adoption so all that was going on added to how I was feeling so 2013 was a dark year for me.  I certainly wasn't in the mood for the pro adoption no matter what the consequences brigade being their usual selves.  It rubs me up the wrong we that they encourage adoption no matter what then have the nerve to tell people like me that we use coercive tactics to persuade mothers to keep their babies.  They completely miss the point that adoption is final where as trying parenting first the mothers still have the option of adoption if they can't cope instead of burning their bridges straight away.  A few of us have also been constantly accused of being anti adoption and that we shouldn't be taken any notice off even though we have a wealth of wisdom, common sense, good advice and experience.  One particular adopter has sent me a few nasty messages as well as attacking me publicly so now she has been blocked and I do report her answers when she attacks me or anybody else.   What she has been saying about me is completely untrue so wont (legally) put up with it.     

Not a Good Enough Mother

Not a Good Enough Mother

Once upon a time I dreamed of being a mother,
A loving marriage to have in the future,
A future full of love, happiness and laughter,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

When I was older life was different to my dreams,
Single and pregnant I want to be a mother by any means,
Having a job and ready to be a mother wasn't seen,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

 
My parents were angry I couldn't abort,
Not listening to what I thought,
The discussion that followed was very short,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

The adoption agency was coercive,
The trust I had at first short lived,
Frightened and alone without support,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

My dream of being a mother swiftly dying,
At night alone in my bed crying,
Emotionally shutting down and sighing,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

Life went on, the pain has never died,
Dreams never coming true of being a mother, 
My emptiness I could only hide,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

My dream of meeting my son one day,
Came true, my fears began sway,
Could I now prove I could be a good mother?
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

Happiness, sadness, depression and pain.
What else could I gain?
My son I love so much I can claim,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother. 

 
Dreams of happiness have been shattered,
My son expected a perfect mother,
I tried my best and yet could not do enough,
To my son I am not a good enough mother.

Philippa Hope-Hornsey

Been a while.....

The post months have been bad since March mainly because of depression / the depression forums we run and due to a neighbour from hell.  It frustrated so much that he was too cowardly to say anything to Rick yet took every opportunity to make my life hell.  Of course it all came to head with the police being involved and our housing association was very helpful.  Unfortunately they admitted it would take months to evict him and we couldn't take any more.  We were able to get moved quickly and our housing association were very supportive although we are renting from another one now.  Even with the stress of moving it went fairly smoothly as we only moved three miles.  We are quite happy where we are, we still get to see friends regularly and making new friends where we are.

Last year I joined up with adoption.com posted a few times but wasn't really where I needed to be for reaching out for support.  I originally got support post reunion online for years, slowed it up as I was moving on although have appreciated the support I got when needed.  Now I am back in a place where I want some contact with people who understand.  It still feels a bit strange going onto a forum that is specifically adoption related but I feel I have something to give back.

Happy Birthday Anthony

You were born 32 years ago today.  A day I will never forget not because of the joy of giving birth to a beautiful boy but because I knew I was on a losing battle to keep.

Other mothers were filled with happiness.  I was filled with sadness.

Other mothers smiled.  I cried.

Other mothers looked forward to taking their babies home.  I felt like I had no future.

No words can explain how I truly felt over the years.  Anger kept me going.  It wasn't healthy.  Depression came close to killing me a few times over the years.  I felt that I had nothing to live for.  I wasn't a 'good enough mother' to be encouraged to raise you.  Yet I was a 'good enough aunt' to look after your cousins, spend time with them and take them out.  What was the difference? 

If I wasn't 'good enough' to be a mother to you why was I a 'good enough' aunt to them?

When I found you it was a day of relief, happiness, joy and answer to prayer that you were alive and well.  It also meant I couldn't keep buried the feelings of despair, anger, pain, hurt, sadness and heartache that I had felt for 23 years.  I wanted to believe you when you told me that your wanted a relationship with me.  I believed you when you told me you wanted me to acknowledge that I am your mother and that you are my son.  I took it all when you were having a bad day.  I kept quiet when you blamed me for what was wrong in your life.  Or I would gently reason with you that I couldn't erase the pain.  I put up with you accusing me of doing and saying what you had done or said.  That was until I had had enough of it and would proof I hadn't done or said what you accused me off.

None of this stopped me or Rick taking you in when you had nowhere else to go.  It was the dream I never thought would happen.  I didn't want to replace your other mother I just wanted to enjoy being a mother to you for a short time.

I (and Rick) put up with the lies you told even though we would tell you we knew what lies you told.

We put up with you disrespecting our boundaries. 

We put up with you throwing your toys out of the pram ever time things didn't go your way.

We looked after you when you were ill and tried to help with your issues by getting appropriate mental health help.

What, then, did I do so wrong?

Did I love you too much?

Did I make the mistake of standing you to you when you behaved badly or lied?

Were we wrong to not to let you split us up?

Were we so very wrong to try and help you feel better?

What was it about me that you decided I'm not a good enough mother?

Why did you live with us so long as you believe I'm not a good enough mother and not worthy of being a grandmother to your son or step grandmother to your step daughter?

Will the day ever come that you will stop thinking of your own pain?

Does it ever stop me from loving you?

No it doesn't.  I will always love you, happy birthday son.