Happy Birthday Anthony

You were born 32 years ago today.  A day I will never forget not because of the joy of giving birth to a beautiful boy but because I knew I was on a losing battle to keep.

Other mothers were filled with happiness.  I was filled with sadness.

Other mothers smiled.  I cried.

Other mothers looked forward to taking their babies home.  I felt like I had no future.

No words can explain how I truly felt over the years.  Anger kept me going.  It wasn't healthy.  Depression came close to killing me a few times over the years.  I felt that I had nothing to live for.  I wasn't a 'good enough mother' to be encouraged to raise you.  Yet I was a 'good enough aunt' to look after your cousins, spend time with them and take them out.  What was the difference? 

If I wasn't 'good enough' to be a mother to you why was I a 'good enough' aunt to them?

When I found you it was a day of relief, happiness, joy and answer to prayer that you were alive and well.  It also meant I couldn't keep buried the feelings of despair, anger, pain, hurt, sadness and heartache that I had felt for 23 years.  I wanted to believe you when you told me that your wanted a relationship with me.  I believed you when you told me you wanted me to acknowledge that I am your mother and that you are my son.  I took it all when you were having a bad day.  I kept quiet when you blamed me for what was wrong in your life.  Or I would gently reason with you that I couldn't erase the pain.  I put up with you accusing me of doing and saying what you had done or said.  That was until I had had enough of it and would proof I hadn't done or said what you accused me off.

None of this stopped me or Rick taking you in when you had nowhere else to go.  It was the dream I never thought would happen.  I didn't want to replace your other mother I just wanted to enjoy being a mother to you for a short time.

I (and Rick) put up with the lies you told even though we would tell you we knew what lies you told.

We put up with you disrespecting our boundaries. 

We put up with you throwing your toys out of the pram ever time things didn't go your way.

We looked after you when you were ill and tried to help with your issues by getting appropriate mental health help.

What, then, did I do so wrong?

Did I love you too much?

Did I make the mistake of standing you to you when you behaved badly or lied?

Were we wrong to not to let you split us up?

Were we so very wrong to try and help you feel better?

What was it about me that you decided I'm not a good enough mother?

Why did you live with us so long as you believe I'm not a good enough mother and not worthy of being a grandmother to your son or step grandmother to your step daughter?

Will the day ever come that you will stop thinking of your own pain?

Does it ever stop me from loving you?

No it doesn't.  I will always love you, happy birthday son.    
  

A new royal baby born.....

My interest amounted to only wanting to know what sex the baby is. It's not that I'm not interested as much as the news coverage is OTT as usually.  The idiotic comments have been coming out such as the baby hasn't been named yet.  Well how the heck does anybody know whether he has got a name yet.

On a more personal level it makes me sad.  Sad that I didn't raise my only child.  Sad that he thinks so little of me that I'm not even allowed to know my grandson's name let alone when he was born.  It is just another of those knives in the heart for me.

Every time  I hear or read someone spouting how wunnerful adoption is I want to smash my fist through my laptop or hit a wall.  When these people live the painful side of adoption let them spout how wonderful adoption is then.  But it is unlikely they ever will.

I have been severely depressed since the beginning of March which hasn't helped.   The reasons I have been depressed haven't even been specifically adoption related,   The cycle has been the usual outside influences getting me down as I have been dragged into their problems.  We have a neighbour from hell who has been usual me as his target for hate.  I have also had triggers by things that have been said in general and the people involved haven't realized they have triggered me.  It has come to the stage of ever decreasing circles with even less periods of being happy.  I have forgotten what it is like to be truly happy as it's been so long.  I am struggling more and more with suicidal thoughts and have given up talking about it as I know I'm not being taken seriously.  It's a good thing I'm not a betting person as I wouldn't want to chance making a bet on how I die.  I am simply keeping a record here now and have posted on a forum regularly with regards to my battle.  It is a stand I have to make from today of the devastating effect adoption has had on me.

Pain, depression, suicidal .....

March and early April are tough although after Mother's Day (in the UK) my mood improves.  This year has been different and I have been driven to be suicidal by people who should know better.

I co run a depression forums and a few weeks ago a discussion got out of hand.  Myself and another person were attacked and we defended each other.  A few sharp remarks were made but I was apologised too so I thought that would be the end of it.  The other member wouldn't let it drop and went for the jugular which inflamed the situation.  I was left having to deal with the mess which left this person being angrier at me and accusing me of being worse than the other two.  This was despite him forwarding nasty messages he had sent to one of them and posts he had written.  The other member was very upset for good reason and had warned him if he carried on that this person would inform the police.

He and two other members set up a new freebie forums on proboards as I was getting the blame for all that had been said.  I was accused of not trying to sort things out with one of the other two.  They have virtually accused me of being a liar nd that it's all in my head that rumours are flying around.  I know I haven't lied, that I have sent an email to one person, that at least one person has been nasty.  I have even been accused of sending a nasty email to the person I was actually trying to sort things out with or if I didn't that I know who did.  Without me actually seeing the email I can't prove who did or at least have a good idea who did.

It's got to the stage that one person I was keeping in touch with privately as well as on the forums is now refusing to have contact.  At least one person has been stirring the pot even though I refused to be dragged into the petty squabbling.  He believes the other three over me even though I can prove I haven't done anything wrong. 

Over the past two weeks I have been suicidal and it's been a struggle not to overdose on tablets.  Every time I think the matter has been dropped I get another message or email knocking me back down again.  The last time I felt as bad as this was 2005 and a year into reunion.  What makes it even worse is the people I considered friends knew how low I was feeling and been verging on committing suicide.  This was to do with someone wanting to join up with the forums before all the nastiness.  Just because he wasn't approved quick enough I was sent four abusive, threatening messages.  We got the police involved who eventually got him help in the form of the mental health team.  He had also got approved by another administrator by using a different username and email.  He then went onto be abusive and threatening on the forums and at this person for defending me until I banned him.

I am doing my best to hang on in there but it's getting increasingly harder.  At least one person is on a vendetta to make my life even more of a living hell.       

Avoidance tactics

Despite having been on a downer since Christmas I am getting back into a routine for keeping busy.  It is the only way I can avoid thinking ... dwelling ... about adoption 24/7.  Mondays are usually a quiet day unless we are asked to help out at the church.  Tuesdays and Thursdays we volunteer for the credit union.  Wednesdays we help with cleaning the back hall, office, rooms and kitchen.  Fridays I help with the lunch club and Rick is a 'floater' so generally splits his time between the lunch club and the office.  Saturday is the only day we make sure we keep for ourselves and Sundays we are usually at church twice but if the weather is bad we generally just go in the evening.  Rick is also part of the choir but choir practise doesn't start till February.

This afternoon I was exhausted as we got to the back hall at 9.30 am so we got the chairs and tables out, I cleaned the kitchen sides and started getting out things that I could get to.  Some of the cupboards are locked when the kitchen isn't being used.  Rick spent a couple of hours in the office then went hoe because he wasn't feeling too well.  It was a good morning though and I never thought I would enjoy helping with a lunch club so much.  The people who come along are elderly and do so because they enjoy the company as much as anything.

I needed the distraction.  Yesterday I showed a couple of ladies who volunteer for the community bus and a;so go to church pictures of our pets.  It was easier showing them the pictures on Facebook than going through folders but then I got awkward questions as they spotted one of me and my son.  They don't know he was adopted and I really wasn't in the mood to explain.  It was one of those times that I was glad that he lives at the other end of the country to us.  This was good enough reason to explain why I don't see him and use my favourite line that he only gets in touch when it suits him or he wants something. 

I don't expect to ever hear from him again but I wasn't going to tell them that as it's too painful to talk about.  I wont even talk about it with Rick either.  Knowing that he believes I am not good enough for him is the most hurtful thing he could come out with last year.  Every time I thinks about that it's as if someone is twisting a knife in my stomach and I want to cry.  I wish I knew what I had one to deserve that.  People don't understand the pain that adoption causes.  They believe that mothers like me deserve what we get from our surrendered children.  They don't 'get it' that usually we don't.  Whenever I was in the wrong with my son I would apologise but he would never admit to being in the wrong.  There were a number of times I would be told by good internet friends that they believed he was a narcissist (sp) which included another natural mother who had originally sided with him when we first started falling out.  Her turning point was when he moved in with us and she found out how much he was disrespecting us just on ground rules without realising how bad his behaviour could be.

Despite every thing I still love my son and I just don't like his behaviour.  A number of times I have been told that if I loved him unconditionally then it wouldn't bother me.  I still believe a parent can love a child unconditionally but still get fed up with bad behaviour.  I am only human at the end of the day.  

Sad

I haven't had any incentive to post here since the last post.   The feeling of being 'redundant' has been strong.  I feel worn out, worn down, useless, doubting myself because of comments directed at me.  Someone who has a special place recently made a comment that I wear my heart on a sleeve.  It is true.  Negative remarks about me stay in my head whereas as kind comments are hard to deal with.  It is probably a product of my life and being told how useless I was over the years.  I eventually got brainwashed that I am a useless waste of space who will never amount to anything.  I am 51 years old and what do I have to show for my life?

Mostly me being on a trail of self destruction because I felt that I didn't deserve a good life.   I have a son who hates me, a family that tolerates me and I rub some people up the wrong way.  I am also at the point of why do I bother standing my ground on what happened to me and my son being adopted.  It would be so easy to crumple and say "Okay, I have nobody to blame for my son being adopted except for myself,£ I can't though because it would stick in my throat.

The meaning of life......?

When I was young life seemed so simple and I had my dreams.  I knew that I wanted to have a family of my own and dreamed of the quaint cottage in a tiny friendly village existence.  To this day I can't explain why I thought it would be the perfect life.  Maybe it's simply because I was always a dreamer and knew deep down life isn't that simply.

My life couldn't have been more different if I tried.  I worked for a number of years in London which, despite the horrendous journey, I did initially enjoy.  I liked the variety of shops and the market near the office.  What destroyed my social life was being bullied and lied into surrendering my son.  My job no longer meant anything to me as I lost my reason for making something of my life.  I got up, went to work, pretended I was happy, went home then repeated the cycle day in day out.  Even when I socialised I did on auto pilot.  I put on a front and that was it so I became a very lonely person.

I reunited with my son and for a while my life had a purpose that even marriage hadn't given me.  I love my husband but even so I was going through the motions of life.  I was finally able to be myself, the real me.  Over the years I have felt life has finally had meaning for me again.  So why do I feel like life has no meaning anymore?

Constantly telling my story has become a burden.  I feel that often I am wasting my breathe on the realities of adoption for mothers who have been coerced into surrendering.  My whole life feels dragged down by a combination of depression and talking about adoption.  Too many pro adoption supporters / adopters don't want to know about the dark side of adoption.  I feel like I am on a losing battle.  What is the meaning of life for me?     

Sometimes .......

.....I am just happy to be alive.  It helps to get messages that simply make me laugh at the most unexpected times.  I am also very thankful for the members on the depression forums we run.  The members are all from different backgrounds, have different types of depression yet we are all 'there' for each other.  One member, in particular, has a horrific past and it's a miracle this person is still alive due to another person's action.  This member is so supportive and incredibly funny which makes it easy for everybody else to be supportive back.  It's times like this I appreciate what I have.  The members know about my story and accept me for whom I am.

Am I such a threat to (potential) adopters?

No matter how fed up I get with Y!A I haven't quite been able to wean myself off it yet.  I'm a bit more selective what questions I do answer.  It doesn't stop the idiotic attacks I occasionally get.  The following is a private message I received from someone who then blocked me.  I couldn't respond back to this so edited my answer on the question http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=At1h3L9_Hsq2TTk9ytXjiK8hBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20120827045917AAmXdgo .

"No one made you do anything. You were 19 and made that choice yourself. Please quit telling people who feel they can't raise a child to raise it. You and your son have issues that don't stem from adoption. I keep telling you that even kids raised by bio parents have mental illness.Most adoptions turn out to be the best thing for a child. Your son sounds schizophrenic. Not caused by adoption. You may want to get checked yourself.

It pisses me off to no end that people like you make all adopters sound wicked and evil. We are going to adopt thru foster care. Please quit telling people that people like me are wicked, all because YOU made the choice all by yourself to surrender your child. No one made you do it." 

This is the edit the person put to their answer to the question:

"Edit. Pip. He could have turned out the same way had you raised him. Mental illness and such don't occur because of adoption. He sounds schizophrenic. See if he can get evaluated. My husband's younger brother and sister are on drugs. One is mentally ill. All siblings were raised by bio parents. I have told you this a few times already. And stop blaming everyone else. You were an adult. You had a job. You were capable of raising a child. You signed those papers of your own free will. You could have put your foot down and said no to adoption. But you didn't. I don't care who lied, coerced, bullied, etc. You signed the papers. Perhaps you need a mental health evaluation."

I sometimes wonder why these people assume they know what really happened when my son was adopted.  I lived it, I know what happened so how the heck can anybody tell me that nobody forced me to do anything?

No there wasn't any physical force but I was still bullied, lied to, even suffered emotional abuse.  I did have a choice which was to parent.  I believed the lies as it was my parents who were lying as they hadn't lied before so I had no reason to believe they were then.  The case worker should have been truthful but she also lied.  How was I supposed to know she lied when I didn't know my rights which she with held from me?

I constantly said no to my son being adopted and I certainly didn't sign the Consent to Relinquish form of my own free will.  I know for a fact I didn't as it had to be signed in front of a magistrate and I never saw a magistrate.  I would willingly prove I didn't sign the form if I could get a copy of it.  

I will not stop pointing out all options to expectant mothers considering their options.  It's not my problem if some people are so obsessed with adoption / adopting that they can't see beyond their needs out.  If an expectant mother reaches out for support because she's not sure if adoption is best then I will point out the negatives.  I can't tell anybody what to do but I can point out the pros and cons of the options available.  If people want to twist this to me telling an expectant mother to raise her child that is their problem.

I know my depression didn't start because of depression.  The root cause is the emotional abuse that started when I was 12 or 13 years old.  Being coerced into surrendering made my depression worse.  I should have talked instead of bottling everything up because I was expected to forget my life and forget about my son.  My son has major issues with adoption, he is in denial that his issues have an impact on him, he suffers with depression.  He could have suffered with depression even if I had raised him.  Nobody knows and they certainly don't right to tell me that our issues don't stem from adoption.  This is sheer ignorance and complete denial that adoption can cause depression.  What can I expect from someone so obsessed with adoption being good that they are blinded to the negatives?  

It also infuriates me that anybody can be patronising enough to suggest getting my son evaluated.  I find it equally patronising with the suggestion that maybe I should get evaluated as well. What gives them the right to assume that neither his adoptive parents nor I have tried?  Do people really believe I haven't been to see a doctor to be assessed?

I know I suffer with depression.  Doctors have told me I suffer with depression.  I have been on anti depressants on and off over the years. 

My son's adoptive parents paid for him to see someone but he only went a couple of times.  We got the mental health team involved when my son lived with us as we were at our wits end with his behaviour.  At first we thought the sessions were helping and we even had family sessions although he didn't want his adoptive parents there.  I don't think it would have made much difference.  Eventually we knew my son wasn't being completely honest so on the last family session I told him a home truths.  I still believe he was just saying what he thought we wanted to hear instead of being completely honest.  It is beyond me though how someone can conclude that another person could be schizophrenic without knowing that person.

This person has never told me that even children raised by their parents can suffer with mental illness.  It's  an idiotic thing to say to me as my depression stems from emotional abuse and I am not adopted.  I know a number of non adopted people who suffer with depression.    

Most adoptions being the best for the child is open to debate.  I completely agree that abused children should be removed from their parents but there are other alternatives to adoption.  Legal / special guardianship works and children can be with family members.

I have never, ever said or written that all adopters sound wicked or evil.  Many are decent people regardless of their reasons for adopting.  I respect the ones who educate themselves and admit that they were naive about adoption and it's effect on mothers and adoptees.  I respect them for backing adoptee and mothers rights.  I certainly don't hold anything against my dad's cousin and his wife who adopted internationally in the 1960's.  Attitudes were different nor did people understand then the effect adoption has on children let alone those adopted internationally.  I had a school friend who was adopted who is well adjusted and loves her adoptive parents who helped her find her mother.  I have got to know other adoptive parents whom I have learned so much from.  All I ever do is sometimes question the motives of potentially adopters as they come across as needy, entitled and having no consideration of the child's needs.

I have come to the conclusion that I scare some adopters and potential adopters because I refuse to stop telling the truth.  I refuse to let them bully me and I will never give into these ignorant people. 

Adoption's changing face

Yesterday the Olympic torch was carried through our town.  I don't watch the Olympics but it is very unlikely to see the torch again.  Despite the amount of police being in force there was a nice atmosphere and the weather was good.

I am taking each day as it comes.  Severe depression comes and go so I try to concentrate on things that will distract me.  It has become easier to read these days.  I am choosing which battles I am willing to continue standing my stand.  It is easier just to 'walk away' from individuals who refuse to educate themselves and attack mothers like me.  They simply get pleasure from hurting mothers for no better reason than they can.  There are far more important battles to fight and win.  Adoption reform is an important battle as the myths and lies need to be exposed.

People will choose to believe adoption happens for good reasons.  After all who is going to believe that social workers will lies, disregard doctors, psychiatrist and police reports.  They will write that a mother is willing to surrender her baby even when she doesn't.  They will hold back information that can help a mother to keep her child or continually move goal posts just to make an adoption possible.  Relatives are refused guardianship simply because they may let the parents see the child or refused being allowed to adopt because they are too old or they are Christians.  No regard for the mother's wishes are taken into account.  It's all about what social workers want and how much funding they can get from the government.  Don't get me wrong there are good social workers out there and I have got to know them   They do their best to keep families and only keep children in foster care or get them adopted when it's truly in the child's best interests.  These social workers work within the system trying to improve it as that is better than losing their jobs and not being able to help families.
 
These days it is more about educating people that adoption isn't always in the child's best interests and coerced adoptions still happen.  These days it isn't so much about clear cut coercion and more about 'persuasion' that open adoption is wonderful.  What people don't understand is that open adoption can be closed even if it is written in the paperwork.  Also adoptive parents can move or get divorced, there are no guarantees in this world.

Being positive....

Today I feel more positive.   To add to my woes of late I found a lump just above my right leg rwo weeks ago after Rick and I had our photo shoot for the article that is being written.  My skin had been itchy anyway but round that area it also felt a bit tender.  I do suffer with stress / depression related rashes which are either itchy and inflamed or the skin is dry.  Until the lump appeared I wasn't worried but it got larger.  Yesterday I saw a locum doctor rather than the one I usually see.  She knows my medical history whereas the locum doesn't.  He made notes on the computer and examined me then came to the conclusion I have an infection so prescribed cream for the rash.  I found it a bit frustrating as he completely disregarded what I told him about the rash being on ongoing problem.  He also only checked recent medical history.  The doctor told me that if it isn't any better after a week and the lump is still there to go back.  I'm not worried about the rash as it's on ongoing problem that I have learned to live with.  What I am worried about is the lump even though it isn't painful most of the time.  I suffer with a dull ache with it when I have been active.

I know I am a bit anxious about the article and what sort of reaction it will bring out in people.  The past ones have had positive feedback as they have been about reunion and how we dealt with the lows as well as the highs.  This time it's a catch up one which is more to do with the lows.  I love my son very much and I will never regret finding him.  The 'but' is I have had moments when I have wished I hadn't found him due to the heartbreak reunion has caused.  That sounds cruel but it isn't meant to be I am just trying to be honest.

Pre reunion it was easy for me to have my fantasy that my son was happy and had a great life.  That he was okay with being adopted or even that he didn't know.  Finding my son was the happiest day of my life as I knew he was alive, well and believed that he wanted to know me.  Nothing had prepared either of us for reunion so I accept that it wasn't easy for either of us.  We are probably too much alike, more than we had expected.  I wanted reunion to work with all my heart so having to deal with the dark side hasn't been easy.  Even when I have wished that I could have carried on with the fantasy deep down I have been even more certain that I did the right thing contacting my son.  He has had closure and found out medical information.  I know he has finally settled, has a job, has a house and is a father.  If we hadn't had that contact neither of us would have had closure.

The past couple of weeks have just been particularly bad for me emotionally (depression and health), the cyber bullying and finding out information the way I did.  I also fear a backlash for being honest about reunion even though I love my son and don't regret reunion.  The knowing is far better than not knowing.  I would rather know my son is alive no matter what he thinks of me than not knowing or worse still that he had died.

Gut wrenching feeling of pain

At times it almost feels like reunion was just a dram with parts being good and much being painful.  The feeling of pain is profound and not easily explained.  Most of the time it's like a dull ache.  At times I regret finding my son as reunion was often difficult and filled with anger on his part.  I know I made mistakes and have apologised for them.  He rarely admitted to being in the wrong and when he did it was as if he was just doing this to make me feel better.  All I ever wanted from my son was honesty but instead I was constantly lied too and had accusations chucked at me.

The positive is that I know my son is alive and well.  I also have some good memories as do have so much in common.  I will always love my son unconditionally.  This is something that mothers will understand.  Love is instintive and a natural emotion.  Mybe this is why I feel so much pain because of reunion.  Nothing I did was ever good enough yet whatever my son chucked at me the love for him has never lessened.  It just makes me feel sad now.

I will always feel like a non mother because the world, in general, doesn't accept me as a mother.  I know I am a mother but I don't have the same privilege as mothers  who have raised children of just being accepted as a mother.  I will always be labelled.  No doubt there will be people who will judge me for occasionally wishing reunion hadn't happened.  They will never understand the pain as well as the joy that it brings     Or the rush of buied emotions that come to the surface.  The hope that it help ease depression didn't happen either.  It made it worse as I have sseen the damage that adoption has done to my son.  We were both victims of adoption.  Now all I can do is survive the best way I can.

I hate being depressed

The rumours have continued and it is completely stressing me out.  We know where the rumours are starting from .... this person doesn't know when to keep their mouth shut or how potentially damaging the rumours are.  I know that the people telling us don't take these seriously but it doesn't stop my anxiety getting worse.  It's caused my rash to appear again on my arms and face again.  Fortunately I have plenty of cream left to deal with this.

I can't move on from being depressed nor can I deal with trying to make an appointment.  The surgery has a triage system which I don't have the patience for.  The last time I tried to make an appointment I got the usual call back and was asked if I felt I really needed an appointment.  This was after me saying I needed to see a doctor due to being depressed and being in pain with my ankle/  I am still suffering from breaking my ankle and physiotherapy didn't help either.  I responded not to bother with an appointment and I would suffer in silence.  She did start saying something about an appointment but I hung up as I was so frustrated.  My mood has steadily gone downhill ever since....

http://www.forgottenmothersuk.org.uk

Why do I bother .....

Today has been an all time low for me and I wonder why I bother standing my ground on being honest about my life.  Sometimes I think it is much easier for me to stay quiet and let others continue to think the worst of me.

Late this afternoon belongings of ours were returned to us by the elder of a church we used to go to.  He went on the attack that I should have emailed him or made phone calls to ask for these items instead of going through their affiliation.  I stood my ground and said we had several times yet he had the cheek to deny this even though I know I can prove emails have been sent.  I bit on my tongue when he told me not to contact the affiliation again. 

I wasn't surprised by his attitude though because I have had to stand my ground on accusations of lying.  He is an idiot because I can prove I haven;t but it still infuriated me.  I have spent most of my life being accused of saying and doing things I haven't done and know I shouldn't care because I know the truth.  What's dragging me down is depression again so I haven't got the will to fight at the moment.

Rick was furious when I woke him up so he rang the affiliation to put a compalint in.  I'm expecting a backlash from that now.  It's that bad the elder is trying to find out what church we are going to but our friends are refusing to tell him.  The fear is he will do his best to black list us from any church we go to which is completely wrong.  The affiliation agrees that he is behaving badly and all because we didn't tell him about an incident which he translated to a lie.  We didn't tell him about the incident simply because it's none of his business.

We are glad we have nothing to do with that church as we were fed up of the elders trying to convert all the members into 'mini mes'.  They saw the pair of us as a threat as we are both very assured in our faiths and they knew they couldn't break us then brain wash us.  They even tried to convince us that any form of illness including mental health is a curse.  I found that extremely offensive particularly as we have close family members who have died from illnesses such as cancer and asthma.     

It's got to the point that we want legal advice on how to stop the elder doing what he is doing.  It is so sad that a Christian church is trying to cause hatred towards us.

Severe Depression / Adoption

I started suffering with depression in my teens although at that time I didn't realize it. In fact I couldn't admit to suffering with depression until 2005 aged 43 years old.  It's a long time to be in denial of suffering with something I could have asked for help with.

When I was younger I remember being told I was too sensitive and needed to toughen up.  I couldn't understand why being sensitive should be seen as a weakness.  On the other hand I did take it to heart the hurtful remarks directed at me.  It lowered my self esteem and confidence so I would put on a mask and pretended I didn't care.

When I was pregnant what little self esteem I had was shattered completely.  I eventually believed all the nasty comments that I would be a useless mother, I was selfish, I didn't deserve to raise my son, he deserved better than me and I was worthless.  Little wonder that for years after I was scared to have another child.

It was much easier to put on a front of being self assured and I wanted to remain single.  I even earned the title of The Ice Maiden by some friends.  It was just a joke that we all found funny but even these friends didn't know my deepest dark secret that I had surrendered my son.  They just thought I was happy being single and keeping men at arms length.  I didn't dare talk about my son to friends or boyfriends as I was scared they would hate me for allowing him to be adopted.  It didn't matter that I had been coerced I didn't think they would believe I had wanted to raise him.  I felt ashamed.

I did marry when I was 32 years old and had already told my husband I didn't want children.  He didn't know at the time that I was frightened of being coerced again if I had another child.  Montha later he found out about my son and I told him the basics as it was too painful to tell him everything.

It took reunion in 2004 to open up completely.  The emotions completely overwhelmed me to the point of almost being suffocating.  I hadn't known how raw the pain could be.  The times I cried because I didn't know how to express myself.  The feelings of pain, guilt, shame and sadness were intense.  It was almost a relief to know that what I was suffering with had a name.  Depression.

Bad Day

Today has been one of those days I wish I could curl up, go to sleep and hibernate for a year.  Depression is hitting me harder than ever and the periods of being happy are shorter and further apart.  It's at times like this I wonder what is the point of living.  Being restricted in what I can do makes me realize that what little I manage to do isn't appreciated by anybody.  I don't expect to thanked for what I do but it would be nice if at least one person noticed.  I am tired of making light of it with friends.  I know they care but I am too scared to open up completely about how I am feeling as they don't understand depression or how it feels to suffer.  Normally I can find something to get engrossed in but I have given up the will to try and too tired to put up a front anymore.  Part of me wants to scream, yell and have a good cry but I haven't got the energy to do that either.

I'm also losing the will to talk about adoption as well as I can't change attitudes either.  Even if I could only change Anthony's attitude I would be happy but he has made it quite clear how he feels.  It hurts so much.  Adoption will always be my painful cross to bear and nothing can change that.  I lost my one chance of motherhood.  Nothing can change that and it's something I wish I could have achieved.  That will never happen but having another child wouldn't have replaced him.  I hate feeling the way I do.  I should be happy that we reunited but instead it made the pain worse.  Reunion couldn't replace the lost years.  I am not the mother he wanted to find.  I cannot give him anything except love and he has chucked that back in my face.  i cannot do anything than I have already done.  I still feel guilty and blame myself for our reunion going badly yet I know I am not responsible for his actions.

I try to be positive about the future but don't have any goals for the future.  Those were lost when Anthony was adopted.  Extra time in the form of reunion just made the game of life worse.  Nothing can make me feel better as I can't turn the clocks back and raise my precious son....

Pulling my hair out

I have had better days.  Although for a change my depression hasn't been the main cause of it.  On the bright side we got the car this morning so it's a luxury at the moment to be mobile.  It's made the dogs happy as well as they like travelling.  It will make life so much easier when we go shopping as well.

Today I seem to have been spending half my day on a forum I run.  Two of the members have fallen out and I can see both points of views.  It's sad as they are both good people who have been a good support mechanism there.   Neither wants to post so I'm hoping the situation calms down soon as it would be a crying shame if neither came back to the forum.

It took my mind off one of those questions on Y!A which normally makes me vent.  It was one of those questions where the person posting it is very uneducated about surrendering.  She was basically trying to sell herself and her husband as wonderful potential adopters who would like to adopt a baby from a mother who wanted to give her baby awaay through adoption.  These types of people think it is so easy to surrender a baby without actually researching the subject.  It is very rare for a mother to surrender a child and not have regrets afterwards.  It happens but it's not the norm. In this dayand age there is so much literature, blogs and forums that are adoption related that it never ceases to amaze me that potential adopters don't do their homework. 

http://www.forgottenmothersuk.org.uk

Good days, bad days.....

Today has been one of my better days as I increasingly suffering with severe depression.  For many years it was just certain times of the year that I suffered.  This past year has been a particularly bad one. My mother dying last April probably hasn't helped either.  All I had ever wanted was my mother to apologise for her part in my son being adopted.  I still remember the terrible things she said to me.  My mother had been emotionally abusive towards me for years.  By the time my son was born my self esteem and confidence were low.  I believed every word I was told.  This included being told I would be a bad mother, I wouldn;t cope, I would lose my job, she would make sure I was homeless, I wouldn't get any benefits and more on the same lines.  I believed every thing I was told.  Eventually I emotionally shut down and hot to the point that I didn't trust anybody.  After all I couldn't trust my parents so who could I trust?

Surrendering a child to adoption is an invisible amputation.  The mother and child bond is unique so when they are split nothing can replace that bond.  It is the most painful, gut wrenching experience I have ever been through.  I wouldn't want to put anybody through what I went through. The only people who really understand what it's like are other mothers who have surrendered.

Triggers

I have been following Emmerdale which has been obsessive and triggering.  In the storyline one of the characters is called 'Amy' who has been in foster care and ended up being with 'the Pollards'.  She fell pregnant by 'Cain' who is the nasty character and in true soap opera drama she had her baby in the churchyard.  'Amy' thought the baby was stillborn so left him in a phone box.  Obviously being soapland the baby was fine and she was given time to think about what she wanted to do.  'Amy' eventually decided to surrender her son to adoption.

The storyline was good as there were so many emotions shown by the central characters so it also made it heartbreaking.  It was a reminder of what I went through except my parents didn't want me to raise my son and I wanted to.  Even so watching Emerdale was emotional and I felt quite choked up.  I have been struggling with severe depression which hasn't helped either.

In reality the adoption and foster care in the UK isn't perfect, far from it.  There are still children being seriously injured or killed that should have been removed from their parents.  On the other hand there are children who are in foster care that should be and others whose parents just need support so be with them.  Unfortunately because times have changed from the B.S.E. (Baby Scoop Era) the general public think all adoptions happen for the right reasons and children in foster care should be.