Happy Birthday Anthony

You were born 32 years ago today.  A day I will never forget not because of the joy of giving birth to a beautiful boy but because I knew I was on a losing battle to keep.

Other mothers were filled with happiness.  I was filled with sadness.

Other mothers smiled.  I cried.

Other mothers looked forward to taking their babies home.  I felt like I had no future.

No words can explain how I truly felt over the years.  Anger kept me going.  It wasn't healthy.  Depression came close to killing me a few times over the years.  I felt that I had nothing to live for.  I wasn't a 'good enough mother' to be encouraged to raise you.  Yet I was a 'good enough aunt' to look after your cousins, spend time with them and take them out.  What was the difference? 

If I wasn't 'good enough' to be a mother to you why was I a 'good enough' aunt to them?

When I found you it was a day of relief, happiness, joy and answer to prayer that you were alive and well.  It also meant I couldn't keep buried the feelings of despair, anger, pain, hurt, sadness and heartache that I had felt for 23 years.  I wanted to believe you when you told me that your wanted a relationship with me.  I believed you when you told me you wanted me to acknowledge that I am your mother and that you are my son.  I took it all when you were having a bad day.  I kept quiet when you blamed me for what was wrong in your life.  Or I would gently reason with you that I couldn't erase the pain.  I put up with you accusing me of doing and saying what you had done or said.  That was until I had had enough of it and would proof I hadn't done or said what you accused me off.

None of this stopped me or Rick taking you in when you had nowhere else to go.  It was the dream I never thought would happen.  I didn't want to replace your other mother I just wanted to enjoy being a mother to you for a short time.

I (and Rick) put up with the lies you told even though we would tell you we knew what lies you told.

We put up with you disrespecting our boundaries. 

We put up with you throwing your toys out of the pram ever time things didn't go your way.

We looked after you when you were ill and tried to help with your issues by getting appropriate mental health help.

What, then, did I do so wrong?

Did I love you too much?

Did I make the mistake of standing you to you when you behaved badly or lied?

Were we wrong to not to let you split us up?

Were we so very wrong to try and help you feel better?

What was it about me that you decided I'm not a good enough mother?

Why did you live with us so long as you believe I'm not a good enough mother and not worthy of being a grandmother to your son or step grandmother to your step daughter?

Will the day ever come that you will stop thinking of your own pain?

Does it ever stop me from loving you?

No it doesn't.  I will always love you, happy birthday son.    
  

Real Mothers.....

Reading a comment by adoptive mother that adoptive parents are the real parents of adopted children got me thinking of the story in the bible of the two mothers who went before King Solomon.

1 Kings 3:16-28 New International Version - UK (NIVUK) 
A wise ruling

¹⁶ Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. ¹⁷ One of them said, ‘Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house. I had a baby while she was there with me. ¹⁸ The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.
¹⁹ ‘During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. ²⁰ So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. ²¹ The next morning, I got up to nurse my son – and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.’
²² The other woman said, ‘No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.’
But the first one insisted, ‘No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.’ And so they argued before the king.
²³ The king said, ‘This one says, “My son is alive and your son is dead,” while that one says, “No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.”’
²⁴ Then the king said, ‘Bring me a sword.’ So they brought a sword for the king. ²⁵ He then gave an order: ‘Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.’
²⁶ The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, ‘Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!’
But the other said, ‘Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!’
²⁷ Then the king gave his ruling: ‘Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.’
²⁸ When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.

It makes that very good point that real mothers want what is best for their child.  Just because a mother surrenders a child it doesn't stop her from being a real mother.  Far too many mothers surrender a child because they feel they don't have a choice.  Of course the modern day coercive tactics of adoption agencies don't help.  

It frustrates the heck out of me though the amount of adoptive mothers tell expectant  mothers that they are;
- being mature for knowing they can't give the life their child deserves and adoptive parents can,
- it's the loving option
- slefless
- that mothers who encourage them to parent are being coercive
- that mothers telling them to look at all options are being coercive.

These seem to be the popular lines yet anybody encouraging an expectant mother to surrender without looking at all the options are being coercive.

I decided to google adoption agencies and one of the first on the list was Bethany Christian Service.  The first thing that strike me was this line:


"The birth and adoptive families fully disclose identifying information."

So almost immediately the family is referred to as the birth family.  It saddens me that the natural family is immediately reduced to the one act of giving birth.  Only the mother can give birth and there is more to it than just giving birth.  The mother goes through nine months of pregnancy, bonding, and, nourishing her baby.  Her baby knows her smell, voice and heartbeat.  To refer to any other member of the natural family is plain stupid as they don't give birth.

"After placement, there is direct contact between families by telephone, e-mail, or letter. 
There is face-to-face contact between birth and adoptive families as the child grows up."

Just because it says so on the website doesn't mean the adoptive family will honour an open or semi open adoption.  I have been on enough sites to know that mothers have been conned by the promise of an open adoption (or semi open) just to have the 'door' slammed in their faces.  They don't even know if their children are growing up to know they are adopted.  it is so wrong.

I did click on a couple of the other links including considering adoption.  Instead of an well balanced information page it comes across as virtually a done deal that the expectant mother will definitely surrender.

"Considering adoption

Your choices today for an adoption plan are far greater than they were in the past.  No two adoption plans are the same because no two groups of people involved are the same.  Expectant parents have ideas about what their adoption plan will look like in the future and so do prospective adoptive parents.  The best adoption plans reflect both and allow both time to get to know each other and build a relationship."

If an expectant mother is considering adoption she is hardly going to jump in the deep end by making an adoption plan straight away.  The whole point of considering adoption is to understand the pros and cons of surrendering.  She is hardly in the position to make an informed position to make a plan let alone meet prospective adoptive parents.  Adoption agencies are hardly going to warnan expectant mother of the pitfalls of adoption such as;
- the adopters potentially closing the adoption,
- the adopters potentially not telling the child he or she is adopted.
- they might be abusive.
- they might divorce.
- they may lose their job(s) / home.
- one of the adopters might die.
 
"Counselors help expectant parents arrange adoptions that reflect the amount of contact that each family wants.  Many families will want to have ongoing, face to face contact, having regular visits and/or celebrating special occasions and holidays together.  Others may only want to meet initially and maintain their contact with a little more distance, through pictures, letters, emails and phone calls.  Each plan is unique as is the amount of contact that is planned."

Adoption counselling isn't unbiased.  Adoption agencies are in the business of selling babies for a profit.  The adoption counselling is biased towards adoption being the selfless loving option.  This link http://open.salon.com/blog/jessica_delbalzo/2012/03/31/the_5_most_coercive_aspects_of_modern_adoption for the 5 most coercive aspects of modern adoption ia well worth reading.

The Bump

No I am not cracking up ... yet ... nor I am referring to a popular dance from my mis-spent youth.  Out of need to have a break from working on our websites I decided to get light relief on Y!A.  There was one of the usual 'preying for expectant mothers considering adoption' questions.  Usual stuff of of TTC and wanting to be a mother sooner rather later.  One of the members gave this link http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/4236700/ShowForum.aspx and recommended it as a good place to go.  It wasn't so much her answer that bothered me as she did add that it would be easier to adopt an older or even younger child than a baby.  What got my hackles up are some of the posts on it as some of the attitudes are exactly the type that give the adoptive parents and potential adopters a bad name.  What makes it worse is that they really do seem to believe there is nothing wrong with what they are coming out with.

This for starters http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/67032812.aspx and am only quoting the last bit as my jaw dropped.

"Of course, we're already praying we don't get the crazy judge (look, I know he's wanting to look out for the kids, but every 6 months UNTIL THEY'RE 18?!? 3 trips back to Uganda, probably before our child is really old enough for that to be really meaningful?)."

A cringeworthy award for this pic on this thread  http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/66856364.aspx

Vomit bucket for this one http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/66852671.aspx and 'wonderful' quote from it:

"Even though our baby isn't here yet I've been thinking about writing him a letter for a long time.  Just to tell him what's going on right now, about our meetings with his birthparents and how excited we are for him to get here. "

...and....

"Do you/will you write letters to your child before or after they are placed with you?  Did you/will you take any pictures before the child is actually here? "

Don't you just love the sense of entitlement of a parent's child before the child is born let alone before they can sign away their rights.

This is the last of my favourite 'pass the vomit bucket' moments for the night as I'm tired http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/66811665.aspx with regards to 'our BM' .... yes you have read it right 'our BM' aka bowel movement aka possession:

" We just received from our lawyer today our BM's sonogram pictures that she wanted us to have.  What a sweet gesture.  We have made plans to meet her two weeks from today and I am so looking forward to meeting this person who has been working on an adoption plan for her child and wants DH and me to be the parents."

A few adoption terms

Tummy mommy ~ is a worthy of a Cringe Award.  It is sickly sweet and cutesy.  I first saw the term being used on a forum and it just rubbed me up the wrong way even though it was used in the context of a natural mother.  It's one of those terms that is meant to be endearing but not the best of ways to describe a mother who isn't raising her child.  It's crept onto Y!A but hopefully not for long.

Birth giver ~ This one is slightly better than birth mother but will never be a winner.  If it was used in general terms it wouldn't bother me at all as all mothers give birth.  What makes it offensive is the connotations in regards to adoption and the mother who surrenders a baby.  There is nothing nice about it and that the mother is second best or not a good enough mother to raise her own child.  It;s a new one on me and is being used now on Y!A

Breeder ~ This is what I feel like when referred to as a birth mother. I have never liked the term, never will.  The term breeder rears its ugly head in different places on the internet.  

Birth vessel ~ Again this is another new term that's appeared on Y!A.  There is absolutely nothing nice about the term.  It is incredible that anybody thinks this is an acceptable term  Birth vessel is a very cold term that dehumanizes mothers.

Daddy's baby gel ~ I saw this term today and found it very creepy.  Would be happy never to see it again.

Paper pregnant ~ Whoever invented this term didn't realize how ridiculous it is.  Nobody can be paper pregnant.  I understand the origin of the term but it doesn't take into account mothers who change their minds.  Does that mean potential adopters have a paper failure when the adoption doesn't happen?  Definiteley food for thought.

Mother

The definition of mother is:
1.a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.
b. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.
c. A woman who adopts a child.
d. A woman who raises a child.
2. A female parent of an animal.
3. A female ancestor.
4. A woman who holds a position of authority or responsibility similar to that of a mother

The definition of adoptive /parent is:
Although this term is often used to refer to both parents that are seeking to adopt, and parents that already have adopted, it is probably more commonly used to describe parents that are seeking to adopt, although since many parents will adopt on more than one occasion, they could be both an adoptive parent who has already adopted, and an adoptive parent who is seeking to adopt.

Definition of birth mother is:
Biological mother, genetic mother, natural mother who carries a baby to term, who she plans to give up for adoption.

So why is it that adoptive parents have a low opinion of mothers who have surrendered a child. There are some who believe they can play God with their adopted child's life just because the natural mother who signed away her rights.  It saddens me every time I read about adoptive parents closing an open adoption.  Some believe it is okay never to tell their child he or she is adopted or ask other people when the best time to tell their child.  An adoptive parent should always tell their child the truth.

I get so tired of adoptive parents who applaud the selfless act of surrendering and claim the mother is being mature.  Having been through the experience I feel so infuriated by the attitude.  Often the mother just needs moral support, be aware of resources available and be encouraged to parent.  Even when mothers are absolutely sure what they want nothing prepares them for the realities of adoption.

Usually the adoptive parents who encourage mothers to surrender a child are the first to then put them down.  I am thankful for the adoptive parents who aren't like that. These are the ones who have taken the time to educate themselves or are affected ny adoption in other ways such as being an adoptee or a mother who has surrendered.  I am also thankful for the adoptive parents who have got to know me and believe that I was coerced/

Y!A masochist

Today one of the questions on Y!A was What are stereotypes of adoptive parents, birth mothers or adopted people?.   It’s been a while since a question like this has been posted.  My views over the years have changed particularly since I found my son.

It’s not unusual for people to put adoptive parents into a category.   Some people think adoptive parents are saviours who deserve a medal for taking on somebody else’s child.  Other people believe they are selfish, greedy infertile baby snatchers who don’t care how much the baby costs and that they believe they are entitled to another mother’s baby.  The term womb wet baby is sometimes chucked out there on Y!A for some people who are desperate to adopt a new born.  It isn’t the best term to use but very accurate for some people who only want to adopt a baby.  I know from my own experience that I was made to feel selfish for wanting to raise my son and his adoptive parents deserved him than I did.  I was also told they couldn’t have children due to their infertility.  It was another 23 years before I found out that they could have children.  They had a son when my son was 20 months old.  I have a cousin who had two sons with his wife before they decided to adopt.  I do believe they chose to adopt for the right reasons.  They adopted a girl then twins – a brother and sister.   I do believe adoptive parents have various reasons for adopting and the ones I respect the most are those who adopt from foster care and special needs children.  

I intensely dislike the term birth mother.   The first time I heard of the term was when I joined an adoption forums.  Nowhere on my son’s birth certificate or the paperwork am I referred to as a birth mother.  I am simply referred to as his mother.  It started off in America and unfortunately crossed the big pond.   It does dehumanise mothers and makes us sound as if we are second rate mothers who have been reduced to being birthers.  I have come across a variety of views over the past view years.  I have lost track of the number of people who believe mothers are at least one of the following; white trailer trash, prostitutes, drug addicts. poor, uneducated, young, single, irresponsible and selfish so don’t deserve their children.  This simple isn’t true.  I was 19 when I had my son but came from a middle class back ground and I worked for the civil service.  I didn’t do drugs, was a social drinker and could afford to raise my son.  I have got to know many other mothers who have surrendered children.  A few chose adoption of their own free will, a few had their children removed for a variety of reasons but most of us were coerced or felt we had no choice because we weren’t supported in our choice to be mothers.  Some mothers I have got to know who had their children removed due to their lifestyles deeply regret not doing something about it at the time.  They have since change their lifestyles because they want the chance to prove they can be decent people if they are found by their children.

All I will comment on adoptees is the experience of reuniting with my son.  It’s been food, bad and ugly.  He is a charming, loving intelligent man who has trust, rejection and abandonment issues.  He has issues with adoption and hates what my parents did to me.