I hate being depressed

The rumours have continued and it is completely stressing me out.  We know where the rumours are starting from .... this person doesn't know when to keep their mouth shut or how potentially damaging the rumours are.  I know that the people telling us don't take these seriously but it doesn't stop my anxiety getting worse.  It's caused my rash to appear again on my arms and face again.  Fortunately I have plenty of cream left to deal with this.

I can't move on from being depressed nor can I deal with trying to make an appointment.  The surgery has a triage system which I don't have the patience for.  The last time I tried to make an appointment I got the usual call back and was asked if I felt I really needed an appointment.  This was after me saying I needed to see a doctor due to being depressed and being in pain with my ankle/  I am still suffering from breaking my ankle and physiotherapy didn't help either.  I responded not to bother with an appointment and I would suffer in silence.  She did start saying something about an appointment but I hung up as I was so frustrated.  My mood has steadily gone downhill ever since....

http://www.forgottenmothersuk.org.uk

So .... we get an apology

Last night the elder an email aplogising although he is only admiting to receiving one email.  I am the better person and will let it go.  We have our belongings back and that is whay matters.  There had been one book outstanding but the church member who had it returned the book this evening.  She stayed for a chat and made the most of hugging our friends youngest son as we have him over.  It was just pleasant to talk to a church member without being attacked!

Why do I bother .....

Today has been an all time low for me and I wonder why I bother standing my ground on being honest about my life.  Sometimes I think it is much easier for me to stay quiet and let others continue to think the worst of me.

Late this afternoon belongings of ours were returned to us by the elder of a church we used to go to.  He went on the attack that I should have emailed him or made phone calls to ask for these items instead of going through their affiliation.  I stood my ground and said we had several times yet he had the cheek to deny this even though I know I can prove emails have been sent.  I bit on my tongue when he told me not to contact the affiliation again. 

I wasn't surprised by his attitude though because I have had to stand my ground on accusations of lying.  He is an idiot because I can prove I haven;t but it still infuriated me.  I have spent most of my life being accused of saying and doing things I haven't done and know I shouldn't care because I know the truth.  What's dragging me down is depression again so I haven't got the will to fight at the moment.

Rick was furious when I woke him up so he rang the affiliation to put a compalint in.  I'm expecting a backlash from that now.  It's that bad the elder is trying to find out what church we are going to but our friends are refusing to tell him.  The fear is he will do his best to black list us from any church we go to which is completely wrong.  The affiliation agrees that he is behaving badly and all because we didn't tell him about an incident which he translated to a lie.  We didn't tell him about the incident simply because it's none of his business.

We are glad we have nothing to do with that church as we were fed up of the elders trying to convert all the members into 'mini mes'.  They saw the pair of us as a threat as we are both very assured in our faiths and they knew they couldn't break us then brain wash us.  They even tried to convince us that any form of illness including mental health is a curse.  I found that extremely offensive particularly as we have close family members who have died from illnesses such as cancer and asthma.     

It's got to the point that we want legal advice on how to stop the elder doing what he is doing.  It is so sad that a Christian church is trying to cause hatred towards us.

Not feeling so good.....

The past couple of weeks have been tough.  Depression has been a struggle again and I am in constant pain with my ankle.  Having physio for it has just made the pain worse so I am now at the point that I need to see my doctor about it.  My back pain has come back with a vengeance as well. 

One year on

It's the first anniversary of my Mum dying.  Last night was tougher than today which surprised me.  Maybe having friends sons over the night helped to be a distraction today.  They are staying over again tonight as their mother is ill

I still have mixed emotions as I loved my mother but it is still painful her involvement in my son's adoption.  I will never be able to understand how a mother can be so cruel as to one of her grandchildren being adopted.  Mum instilled into my sister and I how important family is and that we should be there for each other.  I still can't understand why she rejected her only grandson twice.  The first time because she didn't want the 'shame' of her daughter being a single mother, the second time post reunion.  She could never understand why he wanted to know me whereas I could never understand why my mum couldn't accept him.

I will never have the answers of my questions so I cope the best I can.  This afternoon I rang my Dad and I'm glad I did.  He sounded quite cheerful and we talked about the family.  It's almost as if my Dad has found a new lease in life,

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  It was a tough day in many ways.  Last year my mum died on the 1st April which was two days before Mother's Day.  We were at church so that helped a bit as the children gave out roses and cup cakes to all the ladies.  It was enough to put a smile on my face and not think about Anthony.

My next milestone to get through is the 1st April which is on a Sunday being the first anniversary of my mum's death/  I am already preparing myself to make the day more bearable.

Open letter to David Cameron

Dear Mr Cameron,

I am writing to you due to the media reports that you want to speed up the adoption process in the UK as mother who was coerced into surrendering. 

My story is that I was a 19 year who worked for the civil service when I fell pregnant.  I wanted to raise my son so I quiet long enough not to be pressured into having an abortion by my parents.  My reasoning behind this was that they had pressured my sister into aborting her baby when she was 15 years.  Adoption never crossed my mind.  However when my parents found out I was pregnant they arranged everything as it was too late for me to have an abortion.    The tactics used by my parents included:

-          I was told that I would be an unfit to be a mother.

-          I was told that I would be inadequate as a mother.

-          I was told that keeping my baby would be selfish.

-          I was told that I couldn’t give my son what the adopters could give him.

-          It was stressed to me that my baby “needed a two-parent family.”

-          It was stressed to me that the needs of my baby came before my own needs and that I could not fulfill my baby’s needs.

-          I were told that if I did not surrender my baby, that my baby would be taken by social services because I would be sacked because I chose to keep my baby and I would be kicked out (by my parents) so he would be removed from me because I was homeless.

-          I was told that adoption was the unselfish option because I was “thinking about what was best for my baby.”

-          That my son would be better off without me. 

The adoption agency’s tactics included:  

-          I was told to think only of the joy that “I would give to a couple who could not have children of their own.”

-          I was told that if I changed your mind, you would be disappointing a couple who deserved a baby.

-          I was told that I should not keep my baby as I would be letting down the adopters down.

-          I was told that I couldn’t stop the adoption when my baby was about 6 weeks old. 

My son was born on the 3^rd August and his adoption was finalized late January 1982.  He went straight to the hospital nursery.  The first time I asked to see him I was taken to him and was allowed to hold him.  After that I was told I was “too ill to see him”.  I received on letter from his adopters but post reunion I found out they had written three.  I believed  what I was told at the time that if I kept my son I would lose my job so I wouldn’t be able to claim any benefits as I would be choosing my son over my job.  I was also told by my parents they would make sure I would be homeless and make sure I didn’t get alternative accommodation. They received three letters which they believed were from me but I never wrote them any letters.  Post reunion I found out that I couldn’t consent to surrender my son until he was 6 weeks old.  I wasn’t told my rights, I didn’t see any paperwork until I requested to see it post reunion and it is questionable I signed anything although I don’t believe I did.  I was expected to get on with my life, forget about my son, I would never be allowed to search and he would be too happy with his adopters to search for me.  My son did start searching for me when he was 18 and found my family.  They lied for years telling him they didn’t know where I was.  I found my son when he was 23 so it blew apart all the lies behind him being adopted.      

My son was in foster care for about 5/6 weeks before he went to his adopters.  The adoption agency told me it was better that I didn’t know where he was in case I agreed to the adoption.  I didn’t know when the adoption was finalized.  I do believe my signature was forged on the Consent to Relinquish form.  I have since tried to see the form but nobody has told me where it is even though I was told I could see it.  I have even been told it has been lost after I was told I could see the form. 

I wasn’t counseled before my son was adopted nor did I know of the lifelong implications, risks, and emotional consequences of surrender.  Nor did I know what options that would enable you to keep your baby (i.e. financial assistance, temporary foster care, or filing through court for child support from your baby’s father).  Nobody explained my legal rights or that I would have to sign a Consent to Relinquish form.  I was pressured to decide on adoption while still pregnant although I refused to agree to adoption of my son.  I wasn’t given a chance to prove I could care for my son.  

In reality my rights as a mother included:

·         I had the right to see my baby after he was born.

·         I had the right to hold, nurse, and care for my baby.

·         I had the right to know what my legal rights were and to know about the Consent to Relinquish form.

·         I had the right to care for my baby without feeling pressured to decide about adoption within ANY certain time period.

·         I had the right to adequate financial support which would have enabled you to keep and raise your baby if I had lost my job.

What happened to me was common place for young, unwed mothers post WWII through to the 1970’s.  Mothers started more support from family members from the 1970’s and they knew what their rights were to get benefits.  However coerced adoptions didn’t drop dramatically until the 1980’s.

In 2005 Mr Blair made it public knowledge that he wanted to see a rise in adoptions which I understood to be from foster care.  Many people believed this was a good way to get children who needed a family out of foster care.  The reality has been an increase of babies and young children being removed from their parents as they are easier to adopt than older children.  One abused child is one too many and one child dying of abuse is one too many.  However there has been an increase of forced adoptions for reasons including the mother is considered by social workers as too stupid despite having family support, the mother has been in foster care, depression/post natal depression so may be a danger to her child and false allegation (which have been proven to be false but adoption still goes ahead.

I do believe that adoption practices from the 1940’s to the present day should be investigated.  I also believe that mothers who have been coerced into surrendering should have a public apology.