"Do you think parents who put up kids for adoption should be punished for it?"

This question frustrated the heck out of me and the source is at this link ~ http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuU6A5HVkzGMBHI511D4oFMWT31G;_ylv=3?qid=20130614185355AAoWIPe
 
"Do you think parents who put up kids for adoption should be punished for it?"

When I read this question my heart sank.  Sadly I was right to think it was either someone just out to stir the pot or simply spiteful.  I completely disagree with the question and would rather see every person who coerces a mother into surrendering be punished.

The person started of with this statement "... i hate adoption. lazy stupid careless dumb-assed females choose to produce kids when they know that they can't provide and ain't ready. then they unload their responsibility to someone else to take care of it."

A side note is that I must be showing my age as I was irritated by the poor grammar though out the question. 

Anyway the reasoning after the question was jaw dropping.  It's bad enough insulting mothers who have gone through an unplanned pregnancy.  To assume all mothers who surrender are lazy, stupid and dumb-ass is very rude.  This person doesn't know the circumstances behind mothers falling pregnant let alone what kind of people they are.  He or she is also assuming that they (I) unloaded their children (my son) off to someone else without a care in the world.  Nor does he or she knows whether all the mothers including me could or couldn't afford to raise our children or whether we were ready or not.

Even with planned children nobody can be fully prepared to raise their first child.  Parents don't have to wealthy to have children nor do they have to be in their mid twenties or older.  I openly admit my son wasn't planned but it didn't mean I wasn't ready or wasn't able to provide for him.  I knew right from the start I wanted to raise him.  I was also able to provide for him as I was working and I would have got Child Benefit as well. 

"they don't even give the kid to their close relatives but to a stranger even if their family got a spot. i can't understand how both the boy and girl's extended families lack a spot for a child. then some idiots are on drugs and beat their kids."

I wouldn't have wanted to give my son to my parents raise let alone strangers.  My desire was to parent.  I should have been supported in my choice to be a mother.  Had I been inclined not to parent I would have preferred my sister to be a legal guardian.  I didn't though I wanted to be a mother. 

My reality was that my parents didn't want my son in any of our lives.  If my mother had had her way she would have waved a magic wand and he would never have existed in the first place or I would have aborted him.  She never accepted him post reunion.  According to her I was nothing to him, she didn't want to understand why he wanted me in his life and his only family is his adoptive family.  He was the thorn in her side that fell out then came back 18 years later.  Shame she, my dad and sister couldn't be happy for me or him and delayed our reunion by five years.  My mother was the one who messed up, not me but in doing so she ruined our lives.  

".... if i were the president of the world, i would put the kid in a foster care, but then you should be behind bars for a decade............. for choosing drugs over child, choosing to have child when not ready..... and letting other people do your homework...."

 

This is the sort of thing I would expect an immature teen to come out with.  It is extremely immature and stupid to come out with such a suggestion.  It costs money for a child to be in care and to put mothers into jail.  A mother shouldn't be jailed just because she is a teen mother who may or may not have surrendered her child.  Money would be better spent on mothers raising their children until they can stand on their own two feet.  Not all mothers chose drugs over their children.  I am intelligent enough to know there are mothers like that.  There is a couple I know that chose drugs over their first two children who were then adopted,  However they changed their ways and are raising children now.  Most of the mothers I know were either coerced into surrendering or believed that they were doing the right thing.  Some regret it completely, others have good days and bad days.  Referring to raising children as homework is stupid.  Raising children can be hard but most parents never regret it because they love their children and wouldn't be without them due to the joy their children give them.  I only have to listen to my sister to know how proud she is of her children. 

 

".... it pisses me off when these dumb-assed adopted kids look for their stupid birth parents. i would never do that if u chose something else over me, i only acknowledge the one who raised me. what do u think?"

 

Well bully for him or her.  There is nothing good or right about sealed records, not having information on natural parents, amended birth certificates, lack of medical information.  Adopted children / adults are treated like second class citizens which is wrong.

".... on the issue of being raped, those people raped are the ones that put themselves in such situations. they hang out with wrong people bz they wan to be social. they move out at night yet they know the dangers. if u get pregnant from a rape, u should abort that kid when it is no less than 4 months if u don't want to be reminded constantly. that is fairly enough time, & if u choose to keep it when u're not ready, then u should go to jail."

 

This statement sickened me.  Nobody deserves to be raped.  A child isn't asking for it if she is babysat by a male, a woman should be able to walk alone without fear of being raped.  Hanging out with the wrong crowd doesn't excuse rape.  A woman shouldn't be forced to abort because she was raped.  It should be her choice and if she wants to raise her child who is just as much a victim then she should be supported in her choice.  Why should victims be punished for the crimes of their rapists?

"i think those teens who get pregnant should be sentenced to jail time or some long hours of community service, that would reduce teen pregnancies cos some just want to get babies they can't afford"

 

Again a stupid, cruel suggestion to come out with.  It would be unfair on the mother and her child nor would it solve anything.

 

In this day and age it's sad to see terrible views on teenage pregnancy and adoption.  In an ideal would nobody would be raped or abused.  All children would be wanted by their parents and family.  Mothers would also be encouraged to parent.

The meaning of life......?

When I was young life seemed so simple and I had my dreams.  I knew that I wanted to have a family of my own and dreamed of the quaint cottage in a tiny friendly village existence.  To this day I can't explain why I thought it would be the perfect life.  Maybe it's simply because I was always a dreamer and knew deep down life isn't that simply.

My life couldn't have been more different if I tried.  I worked for a number of years in London which, despite the horrendous journey, I did initially enjoy.  I liked the variety of shops and the market near the office.  What destroyed my social life was being bullied and lied into surrendering my son.  My job no longer meant anything to me as I lost my reason for making something of my life.  I got up, went to work, pretended I was happy, went home then repeated the cycle day in day out.  Even when I socialised I did on auto pilot.  I put on a front and that was it so I became a very lonely person.

I reunited with my son and for a while my life had a purpose that even marriage hadn't given me.  I love my husband but even so I was going through the motions of life.  I was finally able to be myself, the real me.  Over the years I have felt life has finally had meaning for me again.  So why do I feel like life has no meaning anymore?

Constantly telling my story has become a burden.  I feel that often I am wasting my breathe on the realities of adoption for mothers who have been coerced into surrendering.  My whole life feels dragged down by a combination of depression and talking about adoption.  Too many pro adoption supporters / adopters don't want to know about the dark side of adoption.  I feel like I am on a losing battle.  What is the meaning of life for me?     

Am I such a threat to (potential) adopters?

No matter how fed up I get with Y!A I haven't quite been able to wean myself off it yet.  I'm a bit more selective what questions I do answer.  It doesn't stop the idiotic attacks I occasionally get.  The following is a private message I received from someone who then blocked me.  I couldn't respond back to this so edited my answer on the question http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=At1h3L9_Hsq2TTk9ytXjiK8hBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20120827045917AAmXdgo .

"No one made you do anything. You were 19 and made that choice yourself. Please quit telling people who feel they can't raise a child to raise it. You and your son have issues that don't stem from adoption. I keep telling you that even kids raised by bio parents have mental illness.Most adoptions turn out to be the best thing for a child. Your son sounds schizophrenic. Not caused by adoption. You may want to get checked yourself.

It pisses me off to no end that people like you make all adopters sound wicked and evil. We are going to adopt thru foster care. Please quit telling people that people like me are wicked, all because YOU made the choice all by yourself to surrender your child. No one made you do it." 

This is the edit the person put to their answer to the question:

"Edit. Pip. He could have turned out the same way had you raised him. Mental illness and such don't occur because of adoption. He sounds schizophrenic. See if he can get evaluated. My husband's younger brother and sister are on drugs. One is mentally ill. All siblings were raised by bio parents. I have told you this a few times already. And stop blaming everyone else. You were an adult. You had a job. You were capable of raising a child. You signed those papers of your own free will. You could have put your foot down and said no to adoption. But you didn't. I don't care who lied, coerced, bullied, etc. You signed the papers. Perhaps you need a mental health evaluation."

I sometimes wonder why these people assume they know what really happened when my son was adopted.  I lived it, I know what happened so how the heck can anybody tell me that nobody forced me to do anything?

No there wasn't any physical force but I was still bullied, lied to, even suffered emotional abuse.  I did have a choice which was to parent.  I believed the lies as it was my parents who were lying as they hadn't lied before so I had no reason to believe they were then.  The case worker should have been truthful but she also lied.  How was I supposed to know she lied when I didn't know my rights which she with held from me?

I constantly said no to my son being adopted and I certainly didn't sign the Consent to Relinquish form of my own free will.  I know for a fact I didn't as it had to be signed in front of a magistrate and I never saw a magistrate.  I would willingly prove I didn't sign the form if I could get a copy of it.  

I will not stop pointing out all options to expectant mothers considering their options.  It's not my problem if some people are so obsessed with adoption / adopting that they can't see beyond their needs out.  If an expectant mother reaches out for support because she's not sure if adoption is best then I will point out the negatives.  I can't tell anybody what to do but I can point out the pros and cons of the options available.  If people want to twist this to me telling an expectant mother to raise her child that is their problem.

I know my depression didn't start because of depression.  The root cause is the emotional abuse that started when I was 12 or 13 years old.  Being coerced into surrendering made my depression worse.  I should have talked instead of bottling everything up because I was expected to forget my life and forget about my son.  My son has major issues with adoption, he is in denial that his issues have an impact on him, he suffers with depression.  He could have suffered with depression even if I had raised him.  Nobody knows and they certainly don't right to tell me that our issues don't stem from adoption.  This is sheer ignorance and complete denial that adoption can cause depression.  What can I expect from someone so obsessed with adoption being good that they are blinded to the negatives?  

It also infuriates me that anybody can be patronising enough to suggest getting my son evaluated.  I find it equally patronising with the suggestion that maybe I should get evaluated as well. What gives them the right to assume that neither his adoptive parents nor I have tried?  Do people really believe I haven't been to see a doctor to be assessed?

I know I suffer with depression.  Doctors have told me I suffer with depression.  I have been on anti depressants on and off over the years. 

My son's adoptive parents paid for him to see someone but he only went a couple of times.  We got the mental health team involved when my son lived with us as we were at our wits end with his behaviour.  At first we thought the sessions were helping and we even had family sessions although he didn't want his adoptive parents there.  I don't think it would have made much difference.  Eventually we knew my son wasn't being completely honest so on the last family session I told him a home truths.  I still believe he was just saying what he thought we wanted to hear instead of being completely honest.  It is beyond me though how someone can conclude that another person could be schizophrenic without knowing that person.

This person has never told me that even children raised by their parents can suffer with mental illness.  It's  an idiotic thing to say to me as my depression stems from emotional abuse and I am not adopted.  I know a number of non adopted people who suffer with depression.    

Most adoptions being the best for the child is open to debate.  I completely agree that abused children should be removed from their parents but there are other alternatives to adoption.  Legal / special guardianship works and children can be with family members.

I have never, ever said or written that all adopters sound wicked or evil.  Many are decent people regardless of their reasons for adopting.  I respect the ones who educate themselves and admit that they were naive about adoption and it's effect on mothers and adoptees.  I respect them for backing adoptee and mothers rights.  I certainly don't hold anything against my dad's cousin and his wife who adopted internationally in the 1960's.  Attitudes were different nor did people understand then the effect adoption has on children let alone those adopted internationally.  I had a school friend who was adopted who is well adjusted and loves her adoptive parents who helped her find her mother.  I have got to know other adoptive parents whom I have learned so much from.  All I ever do is sometimes question the motives of potentially adopters as they come across as needy, entitled and having no consideration of the child's needs.

I have come to the conclusion that I scare some adopters and potential adopters because I refuse to stop telling the truth.  I refuse to let them bully me and I will never give into these ignorant people. 

Life beyond adoption?

How does a mother move on and away from adoption?

It is part of her make up, her emotions, every part of her being.  Her baby can be taken away form her physically but her pregnancy and childbirth cannot be wiped away  Her love for her child cannot be taken away.  Nothing can wipe away the experience.

Like so mothers before me and after me I can't ignore the horrors of adoption.  It is something I will always have to live with.  Why does each day have to be so painful?

Life before reunion was easier as I didn't have to talk about my son.  It was easier to keep my emotions locked away.  I could deal with avoiding adoption.

Reunion forced me to face my demons.  Reunion forced me to deal with depression and the root cause.  To deal with suicide attempts.  To deal with self harming.  I was a mother on a mission.  I felt the need to work through my emotions which were powerful.

Nobody warned me of dealing with the dark side of adoption.  Nobody warned me I would have so many critics including my own family.  Nobody warned me I would be accused of lying about being coerced.  Of really wanting my son adopted otherwise I would have, could have stopped it.  Of possible being an unfit mother as adoption happens for a reason.  Maybe my critics are right that I am bitter, angry, a twisted liar, that I need a hobby, that I need to forget about my son as I don't deserve to know him as he believes I'm a twisted liar.  My son has never accused me of being a twisted liar but he has accused me of doing and saying things that I haven't said or done.  He has accused me of saying things that he has actually said.

I have had to deal with the stupid comments such as it's wrong for my son to have called me mum.  It was his choice.  The logic was he has a mother, his adoptive mother, so I don't have the right to be called mum.  It makes no difference that I didn't tell my son what to call me.  Even my own mother had this attitude  She went further to say that she couldn't understand why he wanted to know me as his only family is his adoptive family.  In her eyes I was nothing to him. 

Nothing would make me happier if I could go back and change my life but I can't and I have to live with this pain.  I am so tired of adoption.  The trying to get away from adoption issues except for when I choose to is hard.  How it would be to be able to just get on with life without being caught up in the net of adoption.  Life would be so much easier but I can't cut it completely out of my life.

Open letter to David Cameron

Dear Mr Cameron,

I am writing to you due to the media reports that you want to speed up the adoption process in the UK as mother who was coerced into surrendering. 

My story is that I was a 19 year who worked for the civil service when I fell pregnant.  I wanted to raise my son so I quiet long enough not to be pressured into having an abortion by my parents.  My reasoning behind this was that they had pressured my sister into aborting her baby when she was 15 years.  Adoption never crossed my mind.  However when my parents found out I was pregnant they arranged everything as it was too late for me to have an abortion.    The tactics used by my parents included:

-          I was told that I would be an unfit to be a mother.

-          I was told that I would be inadequate as a mother.

-          I was told that keeping my baby would be selfish.

-          I was told that I couldn’t give my son what the adopters could give him.

-          It was stressed to me that my baby “needed a two-parent family.”

-          It was stressed to me that the needs of my baby came before my own needs and that I could not fulfill my baby’s needs.

-          I were told that if I did not surrender my baby, that my baby would be taken by social services because I would be sacked because I chose to keep my baby and I would be kicked out (by my parents) so he would be removed from me because I was homeless.

-          I was told that adoption was the unselfish option because I was “thinking about what was best for my baby.”

-          That my son would be better off without me. 

The adoption agency’s tactics included:  

-          I was told to think only of the joy that “I would give to a couple who could not have children of their own.”

-          I was told that if I changed your mind, you would be disappointing a couple who deserved a baby.

-          I was told that I should not keep my baby as I would be letting down the adopters down.

-          I was told that I couldn’t stop the adoption when my baby was about 6 weeks old. 

My son was born on the 3^rd August and his adoption was finalized late January 1982.  He went straight to the hospital nursery.  The first time I asked to see him I was taken to him and was allowed to hold him.  After that I was told I was “too ill to see him”.  I received on letter from his adopters but post reunion I found out they had written three.  I believed  what I was told at the time that if I kept my son I would lose my job so I wouldn’t be able to claim any benefits as I would be choosing my son over my job.  I was also told by my parents they would make sure I would be homeless and make sure I didn’t get alternative accommodation. They received three letters which they believed were from me but I never wrote them any letters.  Post reunion I found out that I couldn’t consent to surrender my son until he was 6 weeks old.  I wasn’t told my rights, I didn’t see any paperwork until I requested to see it post reunion and it is questionable I signed anything although I don’t believe I did.  I was expected to get on with my life, forget about my son, I would never be allowed to search and he would be too happy with his adopters to search for me.  My son did start searching for me when he was 18 and found my family.  They lied for years telling him they didn’t know where I was.  I found my son when he was 23 so it blew apart all the lies behind him being adopted.      

My son was in foster care for about 5/6 weeks before he went to his adopters.  The adoption agency told me it was better that I didn’t know where he was in case I agreed to the adoption.  I didn’t know when the adoption was finalized.  I do believe my signature was forged on the Consent to Relinquish form.  I have since tried to see the form but nobody has told me where it is even though I was told I could see it.  I have even been told it has been lost after I was told I could see the form. 

I wasn’t counseled before my son was adopted nor did I know of the lifelong implications, risks, and emotional consequences of surrender.  Nor did I know what options that would enable you to keep your baby (i.e. financial assistance, temporary foster care, or filing through court for child support from your baby’s father).  Nobody explained my legal rights or that I would have to sign a Consent to Relinquish form.  I was pressured to decide on adoption while still pregnant although I refused to agree to adoption of my son.  I wasn’t given a chance to prove I could care for my son.  

In reality my rights as a mother included:

·         I had the right to see my baby after he was born.

·         I had the right to hold, nurse, and care for my baby.

·         I had the right to know what my legal rights were and to know about the Consent to Relinquish form.

·         I had the right to care for my baby without feeling pressured to decide about adoption within ANY certain time period.

·         I had the right to adequate financial support which would have enabled you to keep and raise your baby if I had lost my job.

What happened to me was common place for young, unwed mothers post WWII through to the 1970’s.  Mothers started more support from family members from the 1970’s and they knew what their rights were to get benefits.  However coerced adoptions didn’t drop dramatically until the 1980’s.

In 2005 Mr Blair made it public knowledge that he wanted to see a rise in adoptions which I understood to be from foster care.  Many people believed this was a good way to get children who needed a family out of foster care.  The reality has been an increase of babies and young children being removed from their parents as they are easier to adopt than older children.  One abused child is one too many and one child dying of abuse is one too many.  However there has been an increase of forced adoptions for reasons including the mother is considered by social workers as too stupid despite having family support, the mother has been in foster care, depression/post natal depression so may be a danger to her child and false allegation (which have been proven to be false but adoption still goes ahead.

I do believe that adoption practices from the 1940’s to the present day should be investigated.  I also believe that mothers who have been coerced into surrendering should have a public apology.

Pain, shame, anger, guilt ....

Pain:  
1. An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.

2. Suffering or distress.

3. pains The pangs of childbirth.

4. pains Great care or effort: take pains with one's work.

 

When people think of pain they generally think of a physical pain due to an injury.  Trying to explain the pain of adoption is difficult or understand unless you have lived with it.  For me the pain as been gut wrenching to the point of being a physical pain.  It is the invisible amputation of my son being taken away from me.  It will never completely go away as I can't change the past.  Adoption can't go away so therefore my pain can't either.  I have learned to live with it.

 

Shame:

1.  a. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.

b. Capacity for such a feeling: Have you no shame?

2. One that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.

3. A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy.

4. A great disappointment.

 

I was made to feel ashamed of myself for being a single mother.  Even though this was 1981 and single motherhood was acceptable in society I was made to feel that it was wrong.  My heart knew there was nothing wrong with being a single mother but I allowed my mind to be clouded by other people.  The sense of being unworthy of being a mother has stayed with me.  Logic tells I could have been a good mother but emotionally I believed my parents.  The definition of shame is exactly how I was seen by them.  I never got over it.

 

Anger:.

A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.

 

This exactly what kept me going for so many years.  My anger contributed to how I led my life.  If I hadn't been able to get over it or learn to forgive my parents I would have ended up a bitter old woman.  My faith helped me to understand that the only person I was really hurting was myself.  It wasn't healthy.  When I eventually forgave my parents I felt as if a weight had been taken off my shoulders.  All I ever wanted was my mum to apologise for the pain she had put me through.  I never got it and I have accepted.    

 

Guilt:

1.  a. The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense. 

b. Law The fact of having been found to have violated a criminal law; legal culpability.

c. Responsibility for a mistake or error.

2.  a. Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.

b. Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.

 

For many years I couldn't understand why I felt guilty about Anthony being adopted.  I still feel guilty that I didn't have the knowledge back then that I have now.  Common sense tells me I shouldn't feel guilty but it is a human emotion that is hard to control at times.  I feel guilty for the effect that adoption had on Anthony.  He has had a good life and he also learned quickly how to push my buttons.  It has left me feeling frustrated at times.

PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) - an anxiety disorder associated with serious traumatic events and characterized by such symptoms as survivor guilt, reliving the trauma in dreams, numbness and lack of involvement with reality, or recurrent thoughts and images

- a deep feeling of guilt often experienced by those who have survived some catastrophe that took the lives of many others; derives in part from a feeling that they did not do enough to save the others who perished and in part from feelings of being unworthy relative to those who died; "survivor guilt was first noted in those who survived the Holocaust"

 

People generally think of P.T.S.D. being something that soldiers suffer with.  I do believe mothers who have been coerced or forced to surrender a child to adoption can and do suffer with it.  After all there is nothing natural about being forced to surrender a child.  The media doesn't help either these days.  Natural mothers are perceived as abandoners / have rejected their child.  The perception is that mothers either choose adoption or bad mothers who are drug users, prostitutes, neglectful mothers, abusers or a combination of these things.  Therefore they deserve to be called birth mothers because there is nothing natural about their behaviour.  God forbid that any of us were pressured into surrendering because coerced and forced adoptions don't happen and we use this as an excuse to deny that we really wanted our children adopted.    

Severe Depression / Adoption

I started suffering with depression in my teens although at that time I didn't realize it. In fact I couldn't admit to suffering with depression until 2005 aged 43 years old.  It's a long time to be in denial of suffering with something I could have asked for help with.

When I was younger I remember being told I was too sensitive and needed to toughen up.  I couldn't understand why being sensitive should be seen as a weakness.  On the other hand I did take it to heart the hurtful remarks directed at me.  It lowered my self esteem and confidence so I would put on a mask and pretended I didn't care.

When I was pregnant what little self esteem I had was shattered completely.  I eventually believed all the nasty comments that I would be a useless mother, I was selfish, I didn't deserve to raise my son, he deserved better than me and I was worthless.  Little wonder that for years after I was scared to have another child.

It was much easier to put on a front of being self assured and I wanted to remain single.  I even earned the title of The Ice Maiden by some friends.  It was just a joke that we all found funny but even these friends didn't know my deepest dark secret that I had surrendered my son.  They just thought I was happy being single and keeping men at arms length.  I didn't dare talk about my son to friends or boyfriends as I was scared they would hate me for allowing him to be adopted.  It didn't matter that I had been coerced I didn't think they would believe I had wanted to raise him.  I felt ashamed.

I did marry when I was 32 years old and had already told my husband I didn't want children.  He didn't know at the time that I was frightened of being coerced again if I had another child.  Montha later he found out about my son and I told him the basics as it was too painful to tell him everything.

It took reunion in 2004 to open up completely.  The emotions completely overwhelmed me to the point of almost being suffocating.  I hadn't known how raw the pain could be.  The times I cried because I didn't know how to express myself.  The feelings of pain, guilt, shame and sadness were intense.  It was almost a relief to know that what I was suffering with had a name.  Depression.

Mother

The definition of mother is:
1.a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.
b. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.
c. A woman who adopts a child.
d. A woman who raises a child.
2. A female parent of an animal.
3. A female ancestor.
4. A woman who holds a position of authority or responsibility similar to that of a mother

The definition of adoptive /parent is:
Although this term is often used to refer to both parents that are seeking to adopt, and parents that already have adopted, it is probably more commonly used to describe parents that are seeking to adopt, although since many parents will adopt on more than one occasion, they could be both an adoptive parent who has already adopted, and an adoptive parent who is seeking to adopt.

Definition of birth mother is:
Biological mother, genetic mother, natural mother who carries a baby to term, who she plans to give up for adoption.

So why is it that adoptive parents have a low opinion of mothers who have surrendered a child. There are some who believe they can play God with their adopted child's life just because the natural mother who signed away her rights.  It saddens me every time I read about adoptive parents closing an open adoption.  Some believe it is okay never to tell their child he or she is adopted or ask other people when the best time to tell their child.  An adoptive parent should always tell their child the truth.

I get so tired of adoptive parents who applaud the selfless act of surrendering and claim the mother is being mature.  Having been through the experience I feel so infuriated by the attitude.  Often the mother just needs moral support, be aware of resources available and be encouraged to parent.  Even when mothers are absolutely sure what they want nothing prepares them for the realities of adoption.

Usually the adoptive parents who encourage mothers to surrender a child are the first to then put them down.  I am thankful for the adoptive parents who aren't like that. These are the ones who have taken the time to educate themselves or are affected ny adoption in other ways such as being an adoptee or a mother who has surrendered.  I am also thankful for the adoptive parents who have got to know me and believe that I was coerced/

I am one of the....

.... forgotten mothers and it hurts so much.  The pain is gut wrenching to the point that I feel like my heart is being ripped out.  I am not alone living with this kind of pain, there are so many around the world.  Reunion doesn't make any difference as the pain becomes even more real knowing my son and the life he has had.  His adoptive parents are nice people who clearly love him but they can't or don't want to understand what I went through for him to be adopted.  It is easier and the comfortable option to believe I wanted my son to be adopte and have two parents.  I want to scream at the world this isn't true, the truth is I wanted to raise my son, I wanted to be a mother.

I am an ordinary woman who lives an ordinary life in an ordinary town yet I have been told by one person that a film could be made of my life.  It could but I wonder how many people would believe it was true.  When I tell friends about my life they can't understand why I was treated the way I was by certain family members.  It does sound bizarre to the point of unbelievable yet I know it's the truth. I know there are people who do bleive me as theyhave had similar lives to me.

When I was growing up I didn't know that adoption would have such an impact on me. I knew I had three cousins who were internationally adopted but I just accepted it.  Adoption just wasn't a subject that was talked about.  Even after my son was adopted I was expected to get on with my life, never talk about him and to get on with my life.

Adoption hurts.

http://www.forgottenmothersuk.org.uk