Cyber bullying at its worst

In all the years I have been using the internet I haven't had any problems with cyber bullying until last year.  There have been times I have fallen out with people and we've either made up or ignored each other afterwards.

The cyber bullying started on Y!A by someone using the name 'Alice' who claimed to be a natural mother who surrendered a daughter, is married and had a step daughter.  She claimed to have some contact with her daughter but it was a mutual decision not to pursue the relationship.  'Alice' claimed that she was going to adopt her step daughter whom she had been a 'mother' too since being married to her father.  She also claims to work in the adoption field and her tag line is adoption is a labour of love.  Quite quickly she started attacking me claiming I was a liar, I hadn't been coerced and my son didn't want to know me because he knows I'm a liar.  'Alice' also had a follower, 'pocmoz32' that is very possibly an altered ego but I can't prove that.  This 'person' was equally annoying in the attacks.  It stopped for several months.

Earlier this year it started up again but this time 'Alice' came back as '?' but all the regulars knew who it was because of her tagline.  Now, apparantly, the step daughter had died so would explain the silence although there are users who disbelief a lot of what she claims is going on in her life.  I have accepted it.  Over the past few months the attacks have intensified, been malicious and downright hurtful.  I am now a twisted liar, my son went to Canada to run away from me and my lies and I have been caught out on my lies.  The final straw was '?' posting links in questions to prove that I have been caught out.  The last question was in reference to the first part of the youtube video of the This Morning interview and asking if this was a case of coerced / forced adoption.  The interview was about reunion and the subsequent problems we went through.  It wasn't about coerced / forced adoption so the interview as no relevence to this types of adoption.  It left me in a dreadful state and I kept breaking down over the weekend.  Due to the complaints questions have been removed and most of the comments.  Only one or two remain.

I was at that point that I wanted to withdraw my presence from online as much as possible.  The intention to jack it all in over speaking out about adoption was a very real intention.  I was on a virtual nervous breakdown and only stopped myself from overdosing because we had our friends children over.  That was my life saver!  Since then I have had so much support that it has been overwhelming.  I will be eternally thankful to everybody who has supported me over the past few days.  You all deserve a medal and a huge 'thank you' from me

Gut wrenching feeling of pain

At times it almost feels like reunion was just a dram with parts being good and much being painful.  The feeling of pain is profound and not easily explained.  Most of the time it's like a dull ache.  At times I regret finding my son as reunion was often difficult and filled with anger on his part.  I know I made mistakes and have apologised for them.  He rarely admitted to being in the wrong and when he did it was as if he was just doing this to make me feel better.  All I ever wanted from my son was honesty but instead I was constantly lied too and had accusations chucked at me.

The positive is that I know my son is alive and well.  I also have some good memories as do have so much in common.  I will always love my son unconditionally.  This is something that mothers will understand.  Love is instintive and a natural emotion.  Mybe this is why I feel so much pain because of reunion.  Nothing I did was ever good enough yet whatever my son chucked at me the love for him has never lessened.  It just makes me feel sad now.

I will always feel like a non mother because the world, in general, doesn't accept me as a mother.  I know I am a mother but I don't have the same privilege as mothers  who have raised children of just being accepted as a mother.  I will always be labelled.  No doubt there will be people who will judge me for occasionally wishing reunion hadn't happened.  They will never understand the pain as well as the joy that it brings     Or the rush of buied emotions that come to the surface.  The hope that it help ease depression didn't happen either.  It made it worse as I have sseen the damage that adoption has done to my son.  We were both victims of adoption.  Now all I can do is survive the best way I can.

I hate being depressed

The rumours have continued and it is completely stressing me out.  We know where the rumours are starting from .... this person doesn't know when to keep their mouth shut or how potentially damaging the rumours are.  I know that the people telling us don't take these seriously but it doesn't stop my anxiety getting worse.  It's caused my rash to appear again on my arms and face again.  Fortunately I have plenty of cream left to deal with this.

I can't move on from being depressed nor can I deal with trying to make an appointment.  The surgery has a triage system which I don't have the patience for.  The last time I tried to make an appointment I got the usual call back and was asked if I felt I really needed an appointment.  This was after me saying I needed to see a doctor due to being depressed and being in pain with my ankle/  I am still suffering from breaking my ankle and physiotherapy didn't help either.  I responded not to bother with an appointment and I would suffer in silence.  She did start saying something about an appointment but I hung up as I was so frustrated.  My mood has steadily gone downhill ever since....

http://www.forgottenmothersuk.org.uk

So .... we get an apology

Last night the elder an email aplogising although he is only admiting to receiving one email.  I am the better person and will let it go.  We have our belongings back and that is whay matters.  There had been one book outstanding but the church member who had it returned the book this evening.  She stayed for a chat and made the most of hugging our friends youngest son as we have him over.  It was just pleasant to talk to a church member without being attacked!

Why do I bother .....

Today has been an all time low for me and I wonder why I bother standing my ground on being honest about my life.  Sometimes I think it is much easier for me to stay quiet and let others continue to think the worst of me.

Late this afternoon belongings of ours were returned to us by the elder of a church we used to go to.  He went on the attack that I should have emailed him or made phone calls to ask for these items instead of going through their affiliation.  I stood my ground and said we had several times yet he had the cheek to deny this even though I know I can prove emails have been sent.  I bit on my tongue when he told me not to contact the affiliation again. 

I wasn't surprised by his attitude though because I have had to stand my ground on accusations of lying.  He is an idiot because I can prove I haven;t but it still infuriated me.  I have spent most of my life being accused of saying and doing things I haven't done and know I shouldn't care because I know the truth.  What's dragging me down is depression again so I haven't got the will to fight at the moment.

Rick was furious when I woke him up so he rang the affiliation to put a compalint in.  I'm expecting a backlash from that now.  It's that bad the elder is trying to find out what church we are going to but our friends are refusing to tell him.  The fear is he will do his best to black list us from any church we go to which is completely wrong.  The affiliation agrees that he is behaving badly and all because we didn't tell him about an incident which he translated to a lie.  We didn't tell him about the incident simply because it's none of his business.

We are glad we have nothing to do with that church as we were fed up of the elders trying to convert all the members into 'mini mes'.  They saw the pair of us as a threat as we are both very assured in our faiths and they knew they couldn't break us then brain wash us.  They even tried to convince us that any form of illness including mental health is a curse.  I found that extremely offensive particularly as we have close family members who have died from illnesses such as cancer and asthma.     

It's got to the point that we want legal advice on how to stop the elder doing what he is doing.  It is so sad that a Christian church is trying to cause hatred towards us.

Not feeling so good.....

The past couple of weeks have been tough.  Depression has been a struggle again and I am in constant pain with my ankle.  Having physio for it has just made the pain worse so I am now at the point that I need to see my doctor about it.  My back pain has come back with a vengeance as well. 

One year on

It's the first anniversary of my Mum dying.  Last night was tougher than today which surprised me.  Maybe having friends sons over the night helped to be a distraction today.  They are staying over again tonight as their mother is ill

I still have mixed emotions as I loved my mother but it is still painful her involvement in my son's adoption.  I will never be able to understand how a mother can be so cruel as to one of her grandchildren being adopted.  Mum instilled into my sister and I how important family is and that we should be there for each other.  I still can't understand why she rejected her only grandson twice.  The first time because she didn't want the 'shame' of her daughter being a single mother, the second time post reunion.  She could never understand why he wanted to know me whereas I could never understand why my mum couldn't accept him.

I will never have the answers of my questions so I cope the best I can.  This afternoon I rang my Dad and I'm glad I did.  He sounded quite cheerful and we talked about the family.  It's almost as if my Dad has found a new lease in life,