Grief

On a forums I rarely 'visit' thread was started titled feelings of mothers after relinquishing their child.  One of the responses reminded me of the day of my mother's funeral.  I had found it hard to grief for my mother, most of the time I felt numb.  There had been unresolved issues between us mostly to do with my son.  She had never accepted him and I could never understand why she could love her first granddaughter yet so easily reject him just because I was single.  My mother loved all her granddaughters as they came along.  

When my son found my family my mother still couldn't accept him.  He was an adult, there was no mistaking he was my son but something inside my mother still wouldn't switch on.  I cannot understand how a mother can reject a grandchild when she knows what it is like to love her own children.  The rejection was bad enough for her to send him a letter in 2001 telling him to accept I didn't want to be found.  She knew that I wanted to be found  so it was cruel of her to lie.  What else could I have expected though as my family didn't tell him where I was.  The lame excuse was that they didn't know where I was but my sister had told my husband about my son.

On the day of the funeral I was okay until the service ended and we were going outside.  I got to the vicar then I absolutely howled.  Naturally he thought I was crying because it was my mother's funeral.  It went beyond that.  I was crying because she never once said sorry for what she put me through to make sure my son was adopted.  There was also the verbal abuse I suffered at her hands that I was never good enough.  I was always the black sheep of the family.  Nothing I could do would ever change her mind.  I was also crying because my mother had had the attitude that I was nothing to my son.  In her eyes his only mother was his adoptive mother.

Since then I have not been able to cry for my mother.  There was too much damage done and nothing could put it right because my mother refused to accept that she had been wrong.  It is such a profound feeling of pain being separated from a child and it can't be truly explained.

For My Son

For My Son

A tiny boy born on a summer's day,
Too young to know the sun's bright ray,
Too young to know his first mother's love,
Too young to know his second mother's need.

The years go flying by to fast,
He's growing into a fine young man,
Loving his mother and his family,
Wondering about his first mother.

One day he is old enough to search,
In his heart he needs to know her,
The truth he needs to know now,
Of why she let him go his other mother.

Five years later his mother finds him,
His questions he can now ask her,
To get to know his roots at last,
From his first mother who loves him.

Philippa Hope-Hornsey

Good days, bad days.....

Today has been one of my better days as I increasingly suffering with severe depression.  For many years it was just certain times of the year that I suffered.  This past year has been a particularly bad one. My mother dying last April probably hasn't helped either.  All I had ever wanted was my mother to apologise for her part in my son being adopted.  I still remember the terrible things she said to me.  My mother had been emotionally abusive towards me for years.  By the time my son was born my self esteem and confidence were low.  I believed every word I was told.  This included being told I would be a bad mother, I wouldn;t cope, I would lose my job, she would make sure I was homeless, I wouldn't get any benefits and more on the same lines.  I believed every thing I was told.  Eventually I emotionally shut down and hot to the point that I didn't trust anybody.  After all I couldn't trust my parents so who could I trust?

Surrendering a child to adoption is an invisible amputation.  The mother and child bond is unique so when they are split nothing can replace that bond.  It is the most painful, gut wrenching experience I have ever been through.  I wouldn't want to put anybody through what I went through. The only people who really understand what it's like are other mothers who have surrendered.