Good days, bad days.....

Today has been one of my better days as I increasingly suffering with severe depression.  For many years it was just certain times of the year that I suffered.  This past year has been a particularly bad one. My mother dying last April probably hasn't helped either.  All I had ever wanted was my mother to apologise for her part in my son being adopted.  I still remember the terrible things she said to me.  My mother had been emotionally abusive towards me for years.  By the time my son was born my self esteem and confidence were low.  I believed every word I was told.  This included being told I would be a bad mother, I wouldn;t cope, I would lose my job, she would make sure I was homeless, I wouldn't get any benefits and more on the same lines.  I believed every thing I was told.  Eventually I emotionally shut down and hot to the point that I didn't trust anybody.  After all I couldn't trust my parents so who could I trust?

Surrendering a child to adoption is an invisible amputation.  The mother and child bond is unique so when they are split nothing can replace that bond.  It is the most painful, gut wrenching experience I have ever been through.  I wouldn't want to put anybody through what I went through. The only people who really understand what it's like are other mothers who have surrendered.

Triggers

I have been following Emmerdale which has been obsessive and triggering.  In the storyline one of the characters is called 'Amy' who has been in foster care and ended up being with 'the Pollards'.  She fell pregnant by 'Cain' who is the nasty character and in true soap opera drama she had her baby in the churchyard.  'Amy' thought the baby was stillborn so left him in a phone box.  Obviously being soapland the baby was fine and she was given time to think about what she wanted to do.  'Amy' eventually decided to surrender her son to adoption.

The storyline was good as there were so many emotions shown by the central characters so it also made it heartbreaking.  It was a reminder of what I went through except my parents didn't want me to raise my son and I wanted to.  Even so watching Emerdale was emotional and I felt quite choked up.  I have been struggling with severe depression which hasn't helped either.

In reality the adoption and foster care in the UK isn't perfect, far from it.  There are still children being seriously injured or killed that should have been removed from their parents.  On the other hand there are children who are in foster care that should be and others whose parents just need support so be with them.  Unfortunately because times have changed from the B.S.E. (Baby Scoop Era) the general public think all adoptions happen for the right reasons and children in foster care should be.