When is a mother not a real mother?

When she has surrendered a child according to the gospel of a woman is wants to be a foster mother and potentially adopt a foster child.  This is the 'wonderful' comment that left me shaking my head:

"A real mother (birthmother or adoptive mother), raises their kids."

Hmm I breathe in air, I eat food, drink fluids, I move so therefore I must be a real woman.  I also went through pregnancy, gave birth to my son and been a mother to him post reunion so therefore that makes me a mother.  Okay so really I am a fake throwaway mother.

"Where I live, birthmother just means someone that gave birth. I will continue to use that word. It is not offensive here, so I will continue to use it."

This is in reference to Y!A and plenty of people have said it's an offensive term there.  This person has absolutely no respect for anybody's feelings then wonders why she is attacked.  As far as she is concerned it's the correct term to use so therefore is fine to be disrespectful of a person's feelings.  The same person has even sunk low enough to accuse me of not knowing how to spell adopter ~ she spells it adoptor.     

"Therefore, adoptive mothers ARE real mothers. To say otherwise is offensive."

Personally I have never said adoptive mothers aren't real mothers.  What I generally say is adoptees have to real mothers; one that gives birth to the child and the other raises the child.  Just because a mother doesn't raise a child doesn't mean she isn't raising a child.  Adoption doesn't wipe the mother who has gone through pregnancy and given birth to a child.

This followed on in the rant:

"So, from now on, I will just refer to them as mothers and fathers."

Nothing wrong with that but can be confusing when someone is referring to natural parents and adoptive parents.  In the early years I used to refer to my son's adopters as his parents but then I had to clarify so after that I used the term adoptive parents.  My response to the person was to tell her to grow up.

This is a comment that she is starting to use more and more in her answers:

"Where I live, birthmother just means someone that gave birth. I will continue to use that word. It is not offensive here,"

I'm not sure whether she is just missing the point or deliberately posting it just to annoy people.  Everybody who goes on the adoption section of  Y!A knows the term is used for mothers who have surrendered. Maybe she is right but I don't know that as I don't know where she lives.

Of course if I could change history I would have raised my son.  I can't though and I don't see why I should be driven away from a site just because of the ignorance of one person.  I like a challenge anyway and it is interesting to see her change her answers to come across as more supportive to mothers making the right choice.  Unfortunately it is so easy to make her show her true colours.  Ir's a shame social workers (or whoever she's going through) doesn't see the answers she gives on Y!A. 

Despair

Despair:

intr.v. de·spaired, de·spair·ing, de·spairs

1. To lose all hope: despaired of reaching shore safely.

2. To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.

n.

1. Complete loss of hope.

2. One despaired of or causing despair:

 

Despair is a strong feeling for me at the moment. It's not just about adoption issues it's life in general.  However it's an emotion that I wont let get the better of me.  Life can get better and is better usually.

 

Adoption is a subject in itself.  The only way to change people's mind on the realities of adoption is to be pro-active.  It can be a lonely fight at times.  It's one thing educating someone but it's a different matter trying to get your voice with the authorities that can make real changes in the adoption field.  Today's attitudes to adoption is generally that one abused child is one too many, one child killed at the hands of their parent or another adult is one too many.  I completely understand this point and agree with it.

 

The other side to this are the children who are removed and social services can make a plan to return the children to their parents or allow regular contact.  Don't get me wrong not all social workers work to get children adopted.  There are the ones who really do care that children either return to their parents or if that isn't possible then their interests are put first.

 

There are times parents need help and support so they should get this without the fear that their children are adopted.  Others have false allegations which is proven but they still don't get their children back.  It is actually cheaper to keep families together than for children to be in foster care.  The older the child the more likely he or she will age out of foster care.  This costs thousands of punds for just one child.

 

A couple of years ago my husband and I helped a relative of his with regards her two youngest children.  Somebody had reported her to the NSPCA so social services were involved.  We were involved at the point that if she refused to let a social worker in her home her children would be removed.

 

The house was in a terrible state and so bad that we couldn't get anyvolunteers to help us.  Eventually the landlord was involved and he evicted the relative.  She was already living with us and so was her youngest son.  The other son spent his time between us and his dad.  Social services were supposed to inspect both homes to make sure they were safe environments for the boys.  During the three month period they were homeless nobody visited us or the dad.  She eventually rented other house.

 

The social worker she had was nice after the initial couple of meetings.  She found out that we knew enough about the law and that we wanted the relative to co-operate with social services.  I would like to see more social workers willing to involve extended families. Social workers, in general, do seem to be damned if they don't involve extended family and damned if they do.  So much can be learned from doing this.

 

http://www.forgottenmothersuk.org.uk   

Triggers

I have been following Emmerdale which has been obsessive and triggering.  In the storyline one of the characters is called 'Amy' who has been in foster care and ended up being with 'the Pollards'.  She fell pregnant by 'Cain' who is the nasty character and in true soap opera drama she had her baby in the churchyard.  'Amy' thought the baby was stillborn so left him in a phone box.  Obviously being soapland the baby was fine and she was given time to think about what she wanted to do.  'Amy' eventually decided to surrender her son to adoption.

The storyline was good as there were so many emotions shown by the central characters so it also made it heartbreaking.  It was a reminder of what I went through except my parents didn't want me to raise my son and I wanted to.  Even so watching Emerdale was emotional and I felt quite choked up.  I have been struggling with severe depression which hasn't helped either.

In reality the adoption and foster care in the UK isn't perfect, far from it.  There are still children being seriously injured or killed that should have been removed from their parents.  On the other hand there are children who are in foster care that should be and others whose parents just need support so be with them.  Unfortunately because times have changed from the B.S.E. (Baby Scoop Era) the general public think all adoptions happen for the right reasons and children in foster care should be.