The selfishness of adoption

 Reading a question online today was yet another reminder of the selfishness of adoption,  A couple were going to adopt a baby that they believed would fit into their family due to seeing the mother and based on what she told them.  The child is transracial so they don't want to adopt the baby now as she wont blend.  From the wording of the question and additional information they had no intention of telling the child she was adopted which disgusted me.  In this day and age it is so easy for family members to find an adopted relative it is also stupidity.

How this intended keeping this child in the dark was beyond me.  Had they gone ahead with the adoption family and friends would have known as their minister had been involved.  All it would have taken would have been an argument or an act of spite for the child to find out.  Also with all the research and information available on the internet it sadly doesn't shock me that there are still adopters who still think it;s acceptable to pass an adopted child off as their own.  Children aren't accessories to fit in with adopters lives they are human beings who deserve to be respected and treated equally to non adopted children. 

The meaning of life......?

When I was young life seemed so simple and I had my dreams.  I knew that I wanted to have a family of my own and dreamed of the quaint cottage in a tiny friendly village existence.  To this day I can't explain why I thought it would be the perfect life.  Maybe it's simply because I was always a dreamer and knew deep down life isn't that simply.

My life couldn't have been more different if I tried.  I worked for a number of years in London which, despite the horrendous journey, I did initially enjoy.  I liked the variety of shops and the market near the office.  What destroyed my social life was being bullied and lied into surrendering my son.  My job no longer meant anything to me as I lost my reason for making something of my life.  I got up, went to work, pretended I was happy, went home then repeated the cycle day in day out.  Even when I socialised I did on auto pilot.  I put on a front and that was it so I became a very lonely person.

I reunited with my son and for a while my life had a purpose that even marriage hadn't given me.  I love my husband but even so I was going through the motions of life.  I was finally able to be myself, the real me.  Over the years I have felt life has finally had meaning for me again.  So why do I feel like life has no meaning anymore?

Constantly telling my story has become a burden.  I feel that often I am wasting my breathe on the realities of adoption for mothers who have been coerced into surrendering.  My whole life feels dragged down by a combination of depression and talking about adoption.  Too many pro adoption supporters / adopters don't want to know about the dark side of adoption.  I feel like I am on a losing battle.  What is the meaning of life for me?     

Sometimes .......

.....I am just happy to be alive.  It helps to get messages that simply make me laugh at the most unexpected times.  I am also very thankful for the members on the depression forums we run.  The members are all from different backgrounds, have different types of depression yet we are all 'there' for each other.  One member, in particular, has a horrific past and it's a miracle this person is still alive due to another person's action.  This member is so supportive and incredibly funny which makes it easy for everybody else to be supportive back.  It's times like this I appreciate what I have.  The members know about my story and accept me for whom I am.

Am I such a threat to (potential) adopters?

No matter how fed up I get with Y!A I haven't quite been able to wean myself off it yet.  I'm a bit more selective what questions I do answer.  It doesn't stop the idiotic attacks I occasionally get.  The following is a private message I received from someone who then blocked me.  I couldn't respond back to this so edited my answer on the question http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=At1h3L9_Hsq2TTk9ytXjiK8hBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20120827045917AAmXdgo .

"No one made you do anything. You were 19 and made that choice yourself. Please quit telling people who feel they can't raise a child to raise it. You and your son have issues that don't stem from adoption. I keep telling you that even kids raised by bio parents have mental illness.Most adoptions turn out to be the best thing for a child. Your son sounds schizophrenic. Not caused by adoption. You may want to get checked yourself.

It pisses me off to no end that people like you make all adopters sound wicked and evil. We are going to adopt thru foster care. Please quit telling people that people like me are wicked, all because YOU made the choice all by yourself to surrender your child. No one made you do it." 

This is the edit the person put to their answer to the question:

"Edit. Pip. He could have turned out the same way had you raised him. Mental illness and such don't occur because of adoption. He sounds schizophrenic. See if he can get evaluated. My husband's younger brother and sister are on drugs. One is mentally ill. All siblings were raised by bio parents. I have told you this a few times already. And stop blaming everyone else. You were an adult. You had a job. You were capable of raising a child. You signed those papers of your own free will. You could have put your foot down and said no to adoption. But you didn't. I don't care who lied, coerced, bullied, etc. You signed the papers. Perhaps you need a mental health evaluation."

I sometimes wonder why these people assume they know what really happened when my son was adopted.  I lived it, I know what happened so how the heck can anybody tell me that nobody forced me to do anything?

No there wasn't any physical force but I was still bullied, lied to, even suffered emotional abuse.  I did have a choice which was to parent.  I believed the lies as it was my parents who were lying as they hadn't lied before so I had no reason to believe they were then.  The case worker should have been truthful but she also lied.  How was I supposed to know she lied when I didn't know my rights which she with held from me?

I constantly said no to my son being adopted and I certainly didn't sign the Consent to Relinquish form of my own free will.  I know for a fact I didn't as it had to be signed in front of a magistrate and I never saw a magistrate.  I would willingly prove I didn't sign the form if I could get a copy of it.  

I will not stop pointing out all options to expectant mothers considering their options.  It's not my problem if some people are so obsessed with adoption / adopting that they can't see beyond their needs out.  If an expectant mother reaches out for support because she's not sure if adoption is best then I will point out the negatives.  I can't tell anybody what to do but I can point out the pros and cons of the options available.  If people want to twist this to me telling an expectant mother to raise her child that is their problem.

I know my depression didn't start because of depression.  The root cause is the emotional abuse that started when I was 12 or 13 years old.  Being coerced into surrendering made my depression worse.  I should have talked instead of bottling everything up because I was expected to forget my life and forget about my son.  My son has major issues with adoption, he is in denial that his issues have an impact on him, he suffers with depression.  He could have suffered with depression even if I had raised him.  Nobody knows and they certainly don't right to tell me that our issues don't stem from adoption.  This is sheer ignorance and complete denial that adoption can cause depression.  What can I expect from someone so obsessed with adoption being good that they are blinded to the negatives?  

It also infuriates me that anybody can be patronising enough to suggest getting my son evaluated.  I find it equally patronising with the suggestion that maybe I should get evaluated as well. What gives them the right to assume that neither his adoptive parents nor I have tried?  Do people really believe I haven't been to see a doctor to be assessed?

I know I suffer with depression.  Doctors have told me I suffer with depression.  I have been on anti depressants on and off over the years. 

My son's adoptive parents paid for him to see someone but he only went a couple of times.  We got the mental health team involved when my son lived with us as we were at our wits end with his behaviour.  At first we thought the sessions were helping and we even had family sessions although he didn't want his adoptive parents there.  I don't think it would have made much difference.  Eventually we knew my son wasn't being completely honest so on the last family session I told him a home truths.  I still believe he was just saying what he thought we wanted to hear instead of being completely honest.  It is beyond me though how someone can conclude that another person could be schizophrenic without knowing that person.

This person has never told me that even children raised by their parents can suffer with mental illness.  It's  an idiotic thing to say to me as my depression stems from emotional abuse and I am not adopted.  I know a number of non adopted people who suffer with depression.    

Most adoptions being the best for the child is open to debate.  I completely agree that abused children should be removed from their parents but there are other alternatives to adoption.  Legal / special guardianship works and children can be with family members.

I have never, ever said or written that all adopters sound wicked or evil.  Many are decent people regardless of their reasons for adopting.  I respect the ones who educate themselves and admit that they were naive about adoption and it's effect on mothers and adoptees.  I respect them for backing adoptee and mothers rights.  I certainly don't hold anything against my dad's cousin and his wife who adopted internationally in the 1960's.  Attitudes were different nor did people understand then the effect adoption has on children let alone those adopted internationally.  I had a school friend who was adopted who is well adjusted and loves her adoptive parents who helped her find her mother.  I have got to know other adoptive parents whom I have learned so much from.  All I ever do is sometimes question the motives of potentially adopters as they come across as needy, entitled and having no consideration of the child's needs.

I have come to the conclusion that I scare some adopters and potential adopters because I refuse to stop telling the truth.  I refuse to let them bully me and I will never give into these ignorant people. 

Mother?

Mother?

Who am I to the world?
Not a mother I am told,
Just an ordinary woman,
What am I, if not a mother?

No child for me to raise,
For me no one to praise,
A wife is all I am now,
What am I, if not a mother?

The ache in my heart,
My world blown apart,
Emptiness filling my life,
Not to be a mother ever.

Loneliness that I can't express well,
A void not filled for me to dwell,
Sadness always part of my life,
Not to be a mother ever.

Time to move forward firm,
To a happier future I turn,
Nothing I can change in my past,
My truth is I am a mother.

I do not know what my future holds,
Only that my past must fold,
I now know who my son is,
My truth is that I am a mother.

Reunion

Reunion

Reunion was something I never expected,
A dream I couldn't allow myself,
If it happened then be deeply regretted,
A dream to be put on a high shelf.

Enduring the years with regret in my heart,
Wishing I had support and been stronger,
That I could relive that time with me son a part,
Knowing that I could only ever ponder.

Unhappiness deep in my soul, my very being,
A happy face for the world to see,
A pain deep inside like a tide never receding,
Never showing the complete and real me.

Nobody to talk to who would understand,
My silence was my invisible wall,
Until the day I found my son, a shock for me,
Wanting to be brave, not wanting to fall.

I wasn't prepared for what was to follow,
Pain, joy, sadness, love, so many emotions,
Nothing could replace the years of sorrow,
Or prepare me for our future conversations.

Our reunion hasn't been so perfect,
Words that have been spoken,
That cannot be taken back then perfected,
Wanting the time over again.

Nobody knows the damage done to two souls,
Until it is too late for mother and child,
One old enough to remember, taking a toll,
The other too young, oh child of mine.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a precious time,
A day to honour your mother,
And a day for hope for the future,
Of love always being shared.

What about the forgotten mothers?
The ones who have no child,
Lost yet never forgotten ever,
Not to be remembered by their child.

A mother yet not a mother,
Society sees to this for them,
Hearts aching to be acknowledged,
Silently hoping and praying.

Hearts yearning for their lost child,
The hole never being filled,
Pain burying deep down inside,
Sorrow hidden by a well worn mask.

Dreams of being acknowledged one day,
Hope flickering like a candle brightly,
Of the door being flung open,
For all mothers to be rejoiced.

A mother's love is forever eternal,
Like a flame burning brightly and strong,
No wind strong enough to blow it out,
Shining strongly like a beacon in heaven.