Real Mothers.....

Reading a comment by adoptive mother that adoptive parents are the real parents of adopted children got me thinking of the story in the bible of the two mothers who went before King Solomon.

1 Kings 3:16-28 New International Version - UK (NIVUK) 
A wise ruling

¹⁶ Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. ¹⁷ One of them said, ‘Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house. I had a baby while she was there with me. ¹⁸ The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.
¹⁹ ‘During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. ²⁰ So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. ²¹ The next morning, I got up to nurse my son – and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.’
²² The other woman said, ‘No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.’
But the first one insisted, ‘No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.’ And so they argued before the king.
²³ The king said, ‘This one says, “My son is alive and your son is dead,” while that one says, “No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.”’
²⁴ Then the king said, ‘Bring me a sword.’ So they brought a sword for the king. ²⁵ He then gave an order: ‘Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.’
²⁶ The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, ‘Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!’
But the other said, ‘Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!’
²⁷ Then the king gave his ruling: ‘Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.’
²⁸ When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.

It makes that very good point that real mothers want what is best for their child.  Just because a mother surrenders a child it doesn't stop her from being a real mother.  Far too many mothers surrender a child because they feel they don't have a choice.  Of course the modern day coercive tactics of adoption agencies don't help.  

It frustrates the heck out of me though the amount of adoptive mothers tell expectant  mothers that they are;
- being mature for knowing they can't give the life their child deserves and adoptive parents can,
- it's the loving option
- slefless
- that mothers who encourage them to parent are being coercive
- that mothers telling them to look at all options are being coercive.

These seem to be the popular lines yet anybody encouraging an expectant mother to surrender without looking at all the options are being coercive.

I decided to google adoption agencies and one of the first on the list was Bethany Christian Service.  The first thing that strike me was this line:


"The birth and adoptive families fully disclose identifying information."

So almost immediately the family is referred to as the birth family.  It saddens me that the natural family is immediately reduced to the one act of giving birth.  Only the mother can give birth and there is more to it than just giving birth.  The mother goes through nine months of pregnancy, bonding, and, nourishing her baby.  Her baby knows her smell, voice and heartbeat.  To refer to any other member of the natural family is plain stupid as they don't give birth.

"After placement, there is direct contact between families by telephone, e-mail, or letter. 
There is face-to-face contact between birth and adoptive families as the child grows up."

Just because it says so on the website doesn't mean the adoptive family will honour an open or semi open adoption.  I have been on enough sites to know that mothers have been conned by the promise of an open adoption (or semi open) just to have the 'door' slammed in their faces.  They don't even know if their children are growing up to know they are adopted.  it is so wrong.

I did click on a couple of the other links including considering adoption.  Instead of an well balanced information page it comes across as virtually a done deal that the expectant mother will definitely surrender.

"Considering adoption

Your choices today for an adoption plan are far greater than they were in the past.  No two adoption plans are the same because no two groups of people involved are the same.  Expectant parents have ideas about what their adoption plan will look like in the future and so do prospective adoptive parents.  The best adoption plans reflect both and allow both time to get to know each other and build a relationship."

If an expectant mother is considering adoption she is hardly going to jump in the deep end by making an adoption plan straight away.  The whole point of considering adoption is to understand the pros and cons of surrendering.  She is hardly in the position to make an informed position to make a plan let alone meet prospective adoptive parents.  Adoption agencies are hardly going to warnan expectant mother of the pitfalls of adoption such as;
- the adopters potentially closing the adoption,
- the adopters potentially not telling the child he or she is adopted.
- they might be abusive.
- they might divorce.
- they may lose their job(s) / home.
- one of the adopters might die.
 
"Counselors help expectant parents arrange adoptions that reflect the amount of contact that each family wants.  Many families will want to have ongoing, face to face contact, having regular visits and/or celebrating special occasions and holidays together.  Others may only want to meet initially and maintain their contact with a little more distance, through pictures, letters, emails and phone calls.  Each plan is unique as is the amount of contact that is planned."

Adoption counselling isn't unbiased.  Adoption agencies are in the business of selling babies for a profit.  The adoption counselling is biased towards adoption being the selfless loving option.  This link http://open.salon.com/blog/jessica_delbalzo/2012/03/31/the_5_most_coercive_aspects_of_modern_adoption for the 5 most coercive aspects of modern adoption ia well worth reading.

When is a mother not a real mother?

When she has surrendered a child according to the gospel of a woman is wants to be a foster mother and potentially adopt a foster child.  This is the 'wonderful' comment that left me shaking my head:

"A real mother (birthmother or adoptive mother), raises their kids."

Hmm I breathe in air, I eat food, drink fluids, I move so therefore I must be a real woman.  I also went through pregnancy, gave birth to my son and been a mother to him post reunion so therefore that makes me a mother.  Okay so really I am a fake throwaway mother.

"Where I live, birthmother just means someone that gave birth. I will continue to use that word. It is not offensive here, so I will continue to use it."

This is in reference to Y!A and plenty of people have said it's an offensive term there.  This person has absolutely no respect for anybody's feelings then wonders why she is attacked.  As far as she is concerned it's the correct term to use so therefore is fine to be disrespectful of a person's feelings.  The same person has even sunk low enough to accuse me of not knowing how to spell adopter ~ she spells it adoptor.     

"Therefore, adoptive mothers ARE real mothers. To say otherwise is offensive."

Personally I have never said adoptive mothers aren't real mothers.  What I generally say is adoptees have to real mothers; one that gives birth to the child and the other raises the child.  Just because a mother doesn't raise a child doesn't mean she isn't raising a child.  Adoption doesn't wipe the mother who has gone through pregnancy and given birth to a child.

This followed on in the rant:

"So, from now on, I will just refer to them as mothers and fathers."

Nothing wrong with that but can be confusing when someone is referring to natural parents and adoptive parents.  In the early years I used to refer to my son's adopters as his parents but then I had to clarify so after that I used the term adoptive parents.  My response to the person was to tell her to grow up.

This is a comment that she is starting to use more and more in her answers:

"Where I live, birthmother just means someone that gave birth. I will continue to use that word. It is not offensive here,"

I'm not sure whether she is just missing the point or deliberately posting it just to annoy people.  Everybody who goes on the adoption section of  Y!A knows the term is used for mothers who have surrendered. Maybe she is right but I don't know that as I don't know where she lives.

Of course if I could change history I would have raised my son.  I can't though and I don't see why I should be driven away from a site just because of the ignorance of one person.  I like a challenge anyway and it is interesting to see her change her answers to come across as more supportive to mothers making the right choice.  Unfortunately it is so easy to make her show her true colours.  Ir's a shame social workers (or whoever she's going through) doesn't see the answers she gives on Y!A. 

Y!A masochist

Today one of the questions on Y!A was What are stereotypes of adoptive parents, birth mothers or adopted people?.   It’s been a while since a question like this has been posted.  My views over the years have changed particularly since I found my son.

It’s not unusual for people to put adoptive parents into a category.   Some people think adoptive parents are saviours who deserve a medal for taking on somebody else’s child.  Other people believe they are selfish, greedy infertile baby snatchers who don’t care how much the baby costs and that they believe they are entitled to another mother’s baby.  The term womb wet baby is sometimes chucked out there on Y!A for some people who are desperate to adopt a new born.  It isn’t the best term to use but very accurate for some people who only want to adopt a baby.  I know from my own experience that I was made to feel selfish for wanting to raise my son and his adoptive parents deserved him than I did.  I was also told they couldn’t have children due to their infertility.  It was another 23 years before I found out that they could have children.  They had a son when my son was 20 months old.  I have a cousin who had two sons with his wife before they decided to adopt.  I do believe they chose to adopt for the right reasons.  They adopted a girl then twins – a brother and sister.   I do believe adoptive parents have various reasons for adopting and the ones I respect the most are those who adopt from foster care and special needs children.  

I intensely dislike the term birth mother.   The first time I heard of the term was when I joined an adoption forums.  Nowhere on my son’s birth certificate or the paperwork am I referred to as a birth mother.  I am simply referred to as his mother.  It started off in America and unfortunately crossed the big pond.   It does dehumanise mothers and makes us sound as if we are second rate mothers who have been reduced to being birthers.  I have come across a variety of views over the past view years.  I have lost track of the number of people who believe mothers are at least one of the following; white trailer trash, prostitutes, drug addicts. poor, uneducated, young, single, irresponsible and selfish so don’t deserve their children.  This simple isn’t true.  I was 19 when I had my son but came from a middle class back ground and I worked for the civil service.  I didn’t do drugs, was a social drinker and could afford to raise my son.  I have got to know many other mothers who have surrendered children.  A few chose adoption of their own free will, a few had their children removed for a variety of reasons but most of us were coerced or felt we had no choice because we weren’t supported in our choice to be mothers.  Some mothers I have got to know who had their children removed due to their lifestyles deeply regret not doing something about it at the time.  They have since change their lifestyles because they want the chance to prove they can be decent people if they are found by their children.

All I will comment on adoptees is the experience of reuniting with my son.  It’s been food, bad and ugly.  He is a charming, loving intelligent man who has trust, rejection and abandonment issues.  He has issues with adoption and hates what my parents did to me.