When is a mother not a real mother?

When she has surrendered a child according to the gospel of a woman is wants to be a foster mother and potentially adopt a foster child.  This is the 'wonderful' comment that left me shaking my head:

"A real mother (birthmother or adoptive mother), raises their kids."

Hmm I breathe in air, I eat food, drink fluids, I move so therefore I must be a real woman.  I also went through pregnancy, gave birth to my son and been a mother to him post reunion so therefore that makes me a mother.  Okay so really I am a fake throwaway mother.

"Where I live, birthmother just means someone that gave birth. I will continue to use that word. It is not offensive here, so I will continue to use it."

This is in reference to Y!A and plenty of people have said it's an offensive term there.  This person has absolutely no respect for anybody's feelings then wonders why she is attacked.  As far as she is concerned it's the correct term to use so therefore is fine to be disrespectful of a person's feelings.  The same person has even sunk low enough to accuse me of not knowing how to spell adopter ~ she spells it adoptor.     

"Therefore, adoptive mothers ARE real mothers. To say otherwise is offensive."

Personally I have never said adoptive mothers aren't real mothers.  What I generally say is adoptees have to real mothers; one that gives birth to the child and the other raises the child.  Just because a mother doesn't raise a child doesn't mean she isn't raising a child.  Adoption doesn't wipe the mother who has gone through pregnancy and given birth to a child.

This followed on in the rant:

"So, from now on, I will just refer to them as mothers and fathers."

Nothing wrong with that but can be confusing when someone is referring to natural parents and adoptive parents.  In the early years I used to refer to my son's adopters as his parents but then I had to clarify so after that I used the term adoptive parents.  My response to the person was to tell her to grow up.

This is a comment that she is starting to use more and more in her answers:

"Where I live, birthmother just means someone that gave birth. I will continue to use that word. It is not offensive here,"

I'm not sure whether she is just missing the point or deliberately posting it just to annoy people.  Everybody who goes on the adoption section of  Y!A knows the term is used for mothers who have surrendered. Maybe she is right but I don't know that as I don't know where she lives.

Of course if I could change history I would have raised my son.  I can't though and I don't see why I should be driven away from a site just because of the ignorance of one person.  I like a challenge anyway and it is interesting to see her change her answers to come across as more supportive to mothers making the right choice.  Unfortunately it is so easy to make her show her true colours.  Ir's a shame social workers (or whoever she's going through) doesn't see the answers she gives on Y!A. 

Real Mother

This is a subject that can be heated in adoption discussions and one that frustrates me.  A real mother, to me in general terms, is a mother who loves, nurtures, looks after her child or children and tries to be the best mother she can be.  A woman can also be a mother figure and I have had the privilege of having a few in my life like that. 

In adoption the adoptive mother is the mother and very real.  When it comes to natural mothers there are extremes in opinions with plenty of grey in between.  Due to being expected to get on with my life and forget about my son I couldn't allow myself to even think off myself as a mother.  I felt like a non-entity for so many years and could never speak of having had a child.  It was mostly shame as after all who doesn't stand their ground about raising their own child.  I didn't even know about coerced adoptions let alone that I had been a victim of this.

Finding my son was the happiest day of my life.  His birth should have been the happiest but even on that day I knew I was on a losing battle to try and keep him.  I finally felt like a proper mother.  The first time my son called me mum left me with a warm glow and the first time we met I knew instinctly we had a bond.  By the time he came to live with us it felt normal to tell people I had a son if I was asked.  It is obvious that we are mother and son when we have been together and in the photographs I have.  In the time he was living with us I also finally felt like a real mother, something I never thought or expected to happen.  Since he has moved out I still feel the same despite everything that has happened.  He has decided he wants a new life his way so I am leaving it at that.  I don't ecpect to be part of it ever but I don't ever regret the time we had.  I sometimes wonder if he treats his adoptive parents the same so I wouldn't be surpised to find out he does.  He has so many issues with them and me.

Every time the debate comes up about real mothers I am regularly told I'm not a real mother nor can I call myself a mother.  The attitude from those that believe that is I surrendered him so my son's only mother is his adoptive mother therefore his only real mother.  In their eyes it doesn't matter that I went through pregnancy and childbith I gave him up.  They wont accept that I was coerced and being a mother to him post reunion still doesn't me a mother let alone a real mother.  Mothers can love more than one child so why can't adopted people love more than one mother or consider they have more than one real mother?

http://www.forgottenmothersuk.org.uk

Mother

The definition of mother is:
1.a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.
b. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.
c. A woman who adopts a child.
d. A woman who raises a child.
2. A female parent of an animal.
3. A female ancestor.
4. A woman who holds a position of authority or responsibility similar to that of a mother

The definition of adoptive /parent is:
Although this term is often used to refer to both parents that are seeking to adopt, and parents that already have adopted, it is probably more commonly used to describe parents that are seeking to adopt, although since many parents will adopt on more than one occasion, they could be both an adoptive parent who has already adopted, and an adoptive parent who is seeking to adopt.

Definition of birth mother is:
Biological mother, genetic mother, natural mother who carries a baby to term, who she plans to give up for adoption.

So why is it that adoptive parents have a low opinion of mothers who have surrendered a child. There are some who believe they can play God with their adopted child's life just because the natural mother who signed away her rights.  It saddens me every time I read about adoptive parents closing an open adoption.  Some believe it is okay never to tell their child he or she is adopted or ask other people when the best time to tell their child.  An adoptive parent should always tell their child the truth.

I get so tired of adoptive parents who applaud the selfless act of surrendering and claim the mother is being mature.  Having been through the experience I feel so infuriated by the attitude.  Often the mother just needs moral support, be aware of resources available and be encouraged to parent.  Even when mothers are absolutely sure what they want nothing prepares them for the realities of adoption.

Usually the adoptive parents who encourage mothers to surrender a child are the first to then put them down.  I am thankful for the adoptive parents who aren't like that. These are the ones who have taken the time to educate themselves or are affected ny adoption in other ways such as being an adoptee or a mother who has surrendered.  I am also thankful for the adoptive parents who have got to know me and believe that I was coerced/

Time flying by

Time has flown by over the past week.  On Monday it felt as if we didn't stop and to really cheer me up I sprained my ankle in the evening.  We were visiting a friend and I slipped outside his front door as the ground was very slippy.  I'm still in pain with it and my ankle swells up quickly when I walk.

The past week I have been spending too much time on Y!A again.  It's back to the predictable questions including the 'I only want to adopt a baby and I want to adopt now', 'why are people so anti-adoption' and the 'I'm giving up my baby to adoption how will I feel afterwards'  questions. The people who are desperate to adopt irritate me because they really don't get it how offensive their questions are.  They are the first ones to want to sell themselves and in the next breath have a low opinion of mothers who have surrendered. 

The people who can't understand why anybody can be anti-adoption are usually people who haven't been directly affected by adoption.  They tend to be very huffy about any negative comments by those who have been affected by adoption.  We are the ones who have to live with adoption so our comments should be taken seriously.

The third question I can understand because these expectant mothers want to prepare themselves.  The odd one will slip through that doesn't like answers.  There was one day and I am fairly certain she is British and seems to be very positive about surrendering but is clueless about adoption in the UK.  I pointed out she couldn't consent to surrender until her baby is six weeks, and, potential adoptive parents have to be approved first.  I got the impression from information given she thinks she can do a private adoption but private adoption is illegal in the UK.

There is so much information on the internet about adoption yet the same old rubbish seems to be spouted.  Attitudes don't seem to be changing either.