Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  It was a tough day in many ways.  Last year my mum died on the 1st April which was two days before Mother's Day.  We were at church so that helped a bit as the children gave out roses and cup cakes to all the ladies.  It was enough to put a smile on my face and not think about Anthony.

My next milestone to get through is the 1st April which is on a Sunday being the first anniversary of my mum's death/  I am already preparing myself to make the day more bearable.

Open letter to David Cameron

Dear Mr Cameron,

I am writing to you due to the media reports that you want to speed up the adoption process in the UK as mother who was coerced into surrendering. 

My story is that I was a 19 year who worked for the civil service when I fell pregnant.  I wanted to raise my son so I quiet long enough not to be pressured into having an abortion by my parents.  My reasoning behind this was that they had pressured my sister into aborting her baby when she was 15 years.  Adoption never crossed my mind.  However when my parents found out I was pregnant they arranged everything as it was too late for me to have an abortion.    The tactics used by my parents included:

-          I was told that I would be an unfit to be a mother.

-          I was told that I would be inadequate as a mother.

-          I was told that keeping my baby would be selfish.

-          I was told that I couldn’t give my son what the adopters could give him.

-          It was stressed to me that my baby “needed a two-parent family.”

-          It was stressed to me that the needs of my baby came before my own needs and that I could not fulfill my baby’s needs.

-          I were told that if I did not surrender my baby, that my baby would be taken by social services because I would be sacked because I chose to keep my baby and I would be kicked out (by my parents) so he would be removed from me because I was homeless.

-          I was told that adoption was the unselfish option because I was “thinking about what was best for my baby.”

-          That my son would be better off without me. 

The adoption agency’s tactics included:  

-          I was told to think only of the joy that “I would give to a couple who could not have children of their own.”

-          I was told that if I changed your mind, you would be disappointing a couple who deserved a baby.

-          I was told that I should not keep my baby as I would be letting down the adopters down.

-          I was told that I couldn’t stop the adoption when my baby was about 6 weeks old. 

My son was born on the 3^rd August and his adoption was finalized late January 1982.  He went straight to the hospital nursery.  The first time I asked to see him I was taken to him and was allowed to hold him.  After that I was told I was “too ill to see him”.  I received on letter from his adopters but post reunion I found out they had written three.  I believed  what I was told at the time that if I kept my son I would lose my job so I wouldn’t be able to claim any benefits as I would be choosing my son over my job.  I was also told by my parents they would make sure I would be homeless and make sure I didn’t get alternative accommodation. They received three letters which they believed were from me but I never wrote them any letters.  Post reunion I found out that I couldn’t consent to surrender my son until he was 6 weeks old.  I wasn’t told my rights, I didn’t see any paperwork until I requested to see it post reunion and it is questionable I signed anything although I don’t believe I did.  I was expected to get on with my life, forget about my son, I would never be allowed to search and he would be too happy with his adopters to search for me.  My son did start searching for me when he was 18 and found my family.  They lied for years telling him they didn’t know where I was.  I found my son when he was 23 so it blew apart all the lies behind him being adopted.      

My son was in foster care for about 5/6 weeks before he went to his adopters.  The adoption agency told me it was better that I didn’t know where he was in case I agreed to the adoption.  I didn’t know when the adoption was finalized.  I do believe my signature was forged on the Consent to Relinquish form.  I have since tried to see the form but nobody has told me where it is even though I was told I could see it.  I have even been told it has been lost after I was told I could see the form. 

I wasn’t counseled before my son was adopted nor did I know of the lifelong implications, risks, and emotional consequences of surrender.  Nor did I know what options that would enable you to keep your baby (i.e. financial assistance, temporary foster care, or filing through court for child support from your baby’s father).  Nobody explained my legal rights or that I would have to sign a Consent to Relinquish form.  I was pressured to decide on adoption while still pregnant although I refused to agree to adoption of my son.  I wasn’t given a chance to prove I could care for my son.  

In reality my rights as a mother included:

·         I had the right to see my baby after he was born.

·         I had the right to hold, nurse, and care for my baby.

·         I had the right to know what my legal rights were and to know about the Consent to Relinquish form.

·         I had the right to care for my baby without feeling pressured to decide about adoption within ANY certain time period.

·         I had the right to adequate financial support which would have enabled you to keep and raise your baby if I had lost my job.

What happened to me was common place for young, unwed mothers post WWII through to the 1970’s.  Mothers started more support from family members from the 1970’s and they knew what their rights were to get benefits.  However coerced adoptions didn’t drop dramatically until the 1980’s.

In 2005 Mr Blair made it public knowledge that he wanted to see a rise in adoptions which I understood to be from foster care.  Many people believed this was a good way to get children who needed a family out of foster care.  The reality has been an increase of babies and young children being removed from their parents as they are easier to adopt than older children.  One abused child is one too many and one child dying of abuse is one too many.  However there has been an increase of forced adoptions for reasons including the mother is considered by social workers as too stupid despite having family support, the mother has been in foster care, depression/post natal depression so may be a danger to her child and false allegation (which have been proven to be false but adoption still goes ahead.

I do believe that adoption practices from the 1940’s to the present day should be investigated.  I also believe that mothers who have been coerced into surrendering should have a public apology.

Despair

Despair:

intr.v. de·spaired, de·spair·ing, de·spairs

1. To lose all hope: despaired of reaching shore safely.

2. To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.

n.

1. Complete loss of hope.

2. One despaired of or causing despair:

 

Despair is a strong feeling for me at the moment. It's not just about adoption issues it's life in general.  However it's an emotion that I wont let get the better of me.  Life can get better and is better usually.

 

Adoption is a subject in itself.  The only way to change people's mind on the realities of adoption is to be pro-active.  It can be a lonely fight at times.  It's one thing educating someone but it's a different matter trying to get your voice with the authorities that can make real changes in the adoption field.  Today's attitudes to adoption is generally that one abused child is one too many, one child killed at the hands of their parent or another adult is one too many.  I completely understand this point and agree with it.

 

The other side to this are the children who are removed and social services can make a plan to return the children to their parents or allow regular contact.  Don't get me wrong not all social workers work to get children adopted.  There are the ones who really do care that children either return to their parents or if that isn't possible then their interests are put first.

 

There are times parents need help and support so they should get this without the fear that their children are adopted.  Others have false allegations which is proven but they still don't get their children back.  It is actually cheaper to keep families together than for children to be in foster care.  The older the child the more likely he or she will age out of foster care.  This costs thousands of punds for just one child.

 

A couple of years ago my husband and I helped a relative of his with regards her two youngest children.  Somebody had reported her to the NSPCA so social services were involved.  We were involved at the point that if she refused to let a social worker in her home her children would be removed.

 

The house was in a terrible state and so bad that we couldn't get anyvolunteers to help us.  Eventually the landlord was involved and he evicted the relative.  She was already living with us and so was her youngest son.  The other son spent his time between us and his dad.  Social services were supposed to inspect both homes to make sure they were safe environments for the boys.  During the three month period they were homeless nobody visited us or the dad.  She eventually rented other house.

 

The social worker she had was nice after the initial couple of meetings.  She found out that we knew enough about the law and that we wanted the relative to co-operate with social services.  I would like to see more social workers willing to involve extended families. Social workers, in general, do seem to be damned if they don't involve extended family and damned if they do.  So much can be learned from doing this.

 

http://www.forgottenmothersuk.org.uk   

Pain, shame, anger, guilt ....

Pain:  
1. An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.

2. Suffering or distress.

3. pains The pangs of childbirth.

4. pains Great care or effort: take pains with one's work.

 

When people think of pain they generally think of a physical pain due to an injury.  Trying to explain the pain of adoption is difficult or understand unless you have lived with it.  For me the pain as been gut wrenching to the point of being a physical pain.  It is the invisible amputation of my son being taken away from me.  It will never completely go away as I can't change the past.  Adoption can't go away so therefore my pain can't either.  I have learned to live with it.

 

Shame:

1.  a. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.

b. Capacity for such a feeling: Have you no shame?

2. One that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.

3. A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy.

4. A great disappointment.

 

I was made to feel ashamed of myself for being a single mother.  Even though this was 1981 and single motherhood was acceptable in society I was made to feel that it was wrong.  My heart knew there was nothing wrong with being a single mother but I allowed my mind to be clouded by other people.  The sense of being unworthy of being a mother has stayed with me.  Logic tells I could have been a good mother but emotionally I believed my parents.  The definition of shame is exactly how I was seen by them.  I never got over it.

 

Anger:.

A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.

 

This exactly what kept me going for so many years.  My anger contributed to how I led my life.  If I hadn't been able to get over it or learn to forgive my parents I would have ended up a bitter old woman.  My faith helped me to understand that the only person I was really hurting was myself.  It wasn't healthy.  When I eventually forgave my parents I felt as if a weight had been taken off my shoulders.  All I ever wanted was my mum to apologise for the pain she had put me through.  I never got it and I have accepted.    

 

Guilt:

1.  a. The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense. 

b. Law The fact of having been found to have violated a criminal law; legal culpability.

c. Responsibility for a mistake or error.

2.  a. Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.

b. Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.

 

For many years I couldn't understand why I felt guilty about Anthony being adopted.  I still feel guilty that I didn't have the knowledge back then that I have now.  Common sense tells me I shouldn't feel guilty but it is a human emotion that is hard to control at times.  I feel guilty for the effect that adoption had on Anthony.  He has had a good life and he also learned quickly how to push my buttons.  It has left me feeling frustrated at times.

PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) - an anxiety disorder associated with serious traumatic events and characterized by such symptoms as survivor guilt, reliving the trauma in dreams, numbness and lack of involvement with reality, or recurrent thoughts and images

- a deep feeling of guilt often experienced by those who have survived some catastrophe that took the lives of many others; derives in part from a feeling that they did not do enough to save the others who perished and in part from feelings of being unworthy relative to those who died; "survivor guilt was first noted in those who survived the Holocaust"

 

People generally think of P.T.S.D. being something that soldiers suffer with.  I do believe mothers who have been coerced or forced to surrender a child to adoption can and do suffer with it.  After all there is nothing natural about being forced to surrender a child.  The media doesn't help either these days.  Natural mothers are perceived as abandoners / have rejected their child.  The perception is that mothers either choose adoption or bad mothers who are drug users, prostitutes, neglectful mothers, abusers or a combination of these things.  Therefore they deserve to be called birth mothers because there is nothing natural about their behaviour.  God forbid that any of us were pressured into surrendering because coerced and forced adoptions don't happen and we use this as an excuse to deny that we really wanted our children adopted.    

Severe Depression / Adoption

I started suffering with depression in my teens although at that time I didn't realize it. In fact I couldn't admit to suffering with depression until 2005 aged 43 years old.  It's a long time to be in denial of suffering with something I could have asked for help with.

When I was younger I remember being told I was too sensitive and needed to toughen up.  I couldn't understand why being sensitive should be seen as a weakness.  On the other hand I did take it to heart the hurtful remarks directed at me.  It lowered my self esteem and confidence so I would put on a mask and pretended I didn't care.

When I was pregnant what little self esteem I had was shattered completely.  I eventually believed all the nasty comments that I would be a useless mother, I was selfish, I didn't deserve to raise my son, he deserved better than me and I was worthless.  Little wonder that for years after I was scared to have another child.

It was much easier to put on a front of being self assured and I wanted to remain single.  I even earned the title of The Ice Maiden by some friends.  It was just a joke that we all found funny but even these friends didn't know my deepest dark secret that I had surrendered my son.  They just thought I was happy being single and keeping men at arms length.  I didn't dare talk about my son to friends or boyfriends as I was scared they would hate me for allowing him to be adopted.  It didn't matter that I had been coerced I didn't think they would believe I had wanted to raise him.  I felt ashamed.

I did marry when I was 32 years old and had already told my husband I didn't want children.  He didn't know at the time that I was frightened of being coerced again if I had another child.  Montha later he found out about my son and I told him the basics as it was too painful to tell him everything.

It took reunion in 2004 to open up completely.  The emotions completely overwhelmed me to the point of almost being suffocating.  I hadn't known how raw the pain could be.  The times I cried because I didn't know how to express myself.  The feelings of pain, guilt, shame and sadness were intense.  It was almost a relief to know that what I was suffering with had a name.  Depression.

Coercion

Coerce, coerced, coercing, coerces:

1. To force to act or think in a certain way by use of pressure, threats, or intimidation; compel.

2. To dominate, restrain, or control forcibly: coerced the strikers into compliance.

3. To bring about by force or threat: efforts to coerce agreement.

Relinquish, relinquished, relinquishing, relinquishes:

1. To retire from; give up or abandon.

2. To put aside or desist from (something practiced, professed, or intended).

3. To let go; surrender.

4. To cease holding physically; release

Coerced adoption:

People find it hard to belief coerced adoption ever happened and that surrendering mothers use it as an excuse.  Unless someone has experienced coercion first hand it is very difficult to understand how it could happen.  It is widely thought that if a mother says she was coerced into surrendering then she must have really wanted to surrender then blames everybody else as a way of dealing with guilt and regret.

In reality mothers didn't have a say particularly from the 1940's through to the 1970's.  Coercion still happens today but not to the extent it did then and the tactics are more subtle.  I have heard of some awful stories of mothers who were drugged during and after childbirth then signing the necessary paperwork whilst still drugged.  Other stories I have heard the mothers were told their babies had died then being found many years later by their adult children.  I was blatantly bullied and lied to and I have got to know other mothers who weren't given a choice either.  We are all intelligent women which is one of the reasons why people find it hard to believe us.

I have often wondered what the statistics are for coerced adoption in the UK alone.  It would be hard to get an accurate figure as many mothers aren't willing to talk about their experiences especiallyolder mothers.

http://www.forgottenmothersuk.org.uk 

Mother

The definition of mother is:
1.a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.
b. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.
c. A woman who adopts a child.
d. A woman who raises a child.
2. A female parent of an animal.
3. A female ancestor.
4. A woman who holds a position of authority or responsibility similar to that of a mother

The definition of adoptive /parent is:
Although this term is often used to refer to both parents that are seeking to adopt, and parents that already have adopted, it is probably more commonly used to describe parents that are seeking to adopt, although since many parents will adopt on more than one occasion, they could be both an adoptive parent who has already adopted, and an adoptive parent who is seeking to adopt.

Definition of birth mother is:
Biological mother, genetic mother, natural mother who carries a baby to term, who she plans to give up for adoption.

So why is it that adoptive parents have a low opinion of mothers who have surrendered a child. There are some who believe they can play God with their adopted child's life just because the natural mother who signed away her rights.  It saddens me every time I read about adoptive parents closing an open adoption.  Some believe it is okay never to tell their child he or she is adopted or ask other people when the best time to tell their child.  An adoptive parent should always tell their child the truth.

I get so tired of adoptive parents who applaud the selfless act of surrendering and claim the mother is being mature.  Having been through the experience I feel so infuriated by the attitude.  Often the mother just needs moral support, be aware of resources available and be encouraged to parent.  Even when mothers are absolutely sure what they want nothing prepares them for the realities of adoption.

Usually the adoptive parents who encourage mothers to surrender a child are the first to then put them down.  I am thankful for the adoptive parents who aren't like that. These are the ones who have taken the time to educate themselves or are affected ny adoption in other ways such as being an adoptee or a mother who has surrendered.  I am also thankful for the adoptive parents who have got to know me and believe that I was coerced/