Life beyond adoption?

How does a mother move on and away from adoption?

It is part of her make up, her emotions, every part of her being.  Her baby can be taken away form her physically but her pregnancy and childbirth cannot be wiped away  Her love for her child cannot be taken away.  Nothing can wipe away the experience.

Like so mothers before me and after me I can't ignore the horrors of adoption.  It is something I will always have to live with.  Why does each day have to be so painful?

Life before reunion was easier as I didn't have to talk about my son.  It was easier to keep my emotions locked away.  I could deal with avoiding adoption.

Reunion forced me to face my demons.  Reunion forced me to deal with depression and the root cause.  To deal with suicide attempts.  To deal with self harming.  I was a mother on a mission.  I felt the need to work through my emotions which were powerful.

Nobody warned me of dealing with the dark side of adoption.  Nobody warned me I would have so many critics including my own family.  Nobody warned me I would be accused of lying about being coerced.  Of really wanting my son adopted otherwise I would have, could have stopped it.  Of possible being an unfit mother as adoption happens for a reason.  Maybe my critics are right that I am bitter, angry, a twisted liar, that I need a hobby, that I need to forget about my son as I don't deserve to know him as he believes I'm a twisted liar.  My son has never accused me of being a twisted liar but he has accused me of doing and saying things that I haven't said or done.  He has accused me of saying things that he has actually said.

I have had to deal with the stupid comments such as it's wrong for my son to have called me mum.  It was his choice.  The logic was he has a mother, his adoptive mother, so I don't have the right to be called mum.  It makes no difference that I didn't tell my son what to call me.  Even my own mother had this attitude  She went further to say that she couldn't understand why he wanted to know me as his only family is his adoptive family.  In her eyes I was nothing to him. 

Nothing would make me happier if I could go back and change my life but I can't and I have to live with this pain.  I am so tired of adoption.  The trying to get away from adoption issues except for when I choose to is hard.  How it would be to be able to just get on with life without being caught up in the net of adoption.  Life would be so much easier but I can't cut it completely out of my life.

Dear God, I want to die

This is a prayer I have spoken many times over almost over 31 years now  It isn't asked out of self pity, it is asked out of my reasoning.  I have 'served a purpose'.  I was lied into surrendering my son and he doesn't want to know me anymore.  I have no purpose in this life anymore as I supplied a couple with a baby even though they could have their own.  My family hates me.  I was a mother who believed the lies told by my mother, these lies included:

You choose your son, you choose to be kicked out by us (parents)
You choose your son, you choose to be homeless
You choose your son, you choose to to lose your job
You choose your son, you choose to be denied the right to benefits and being rehomed
You choose your son you choose the right to be denied the right to help from anybody so you will lose our son anyway

I believed the lies so I lost my son because the social worker chose not to tell me that my mum was lying to me.  I have to live with being naive, for not questioning my rights, for being an 'abandoner' simply for not knowing my rights.  My son hates me and I cannot put it right so I have lost the right to know anything about my grandson.  I have lost the will to live.  He hate me that much  he blocked me on Facebook but doesn't know that I have a new account so can see his account and I haven't attempted to contact him as I fear the repercussions.

A few adoption terms

Tummy mommy ~ is a worthy of a Cringe Award.  It is sickly sweet and cutesy.  I first saw the term being used on a forum and it just rubbed me up the wrong way even though it was used in the context of a natural mother.  It's one of those terms that is meant to be endearing but not the best of ways to describe a mother who isn't raising her child.  It's crept onto Y!A but hopefully not for long.

Birth giver ~ This one is slightly better than birth mother but will never be a winner.  If it was used in general terms it wouldn't bother me at all as all mothers give birth.  What makes it offensive is the connotations in regards to adoption and the mother who surrenders a baby.  There is nothing nice about it and that the mother is second best or not a good enough mother to raise her own child.  It;s a new one on me and is being used now on Y!A

Breeder ~ This is what I feel like when referred to as a birth mother. I have never liked the term, never will.  The term breeder rears its ugly head in different places on the internet.  

Birth vessel ~ Again this is another new term that's appeared on Y!A.  There is absolutely nothing nice about the term.  It is incredible that anybody thinks this is an acceptable term  Birth vessel is a very cold term that dehumanizes mothers.

Daddy's baby gel ~ I saw this term today and found it very creepy.  Would be happy never to see it again.

Paper pregnant ~ Whoever invented this term didn't realize how ridiculous it is.  Nobody can be paper pregnant.  I understand the origin of the term but it doesn't take into account mothers who change their minds.  Does that mean potential adopters have a paper failure when the adoption doesn't happen?  Definiteley food for thought.

Adoption's changing face

Yesterday the Olympic torch was carried through our town.  I don't watch the Olympics but it is very unlikely to see the torch again.  Despite the amount of police being in force there was a nice atmosphere and the weather was good.

I am taking each day as it comes.  Severe depression comes and go so I try to concentrate on things that will distract me.  It has become easier to read these days.  I am choosing which battles I am willing to continue standing my stand.  It is easier just to 'walk away' from individuals who refuse to educate themselves and attack mothers like me.  They simply get pleasure from hurting mothers for no better reason than they can.  There are far more important battles to fight and win.  Adoption reform is an important battle as the myths and lies need to be exposed.

People will choose to believe adoption happens for good reasons.  After all who is going to believe that social workers will lies, disregard doctors, psychiatrist and police reports.  They will write that a mother is willing to surrender her baby even when she doesn't.  They will hold back information that can help a mother to keep her child or continually move goal posts just to make an adoption possible.  Relatives are refused guardianship simply because they may let the parents see the child or refused being allowed to adopt because they are too old or they are Christians.  No regard for the mother's wishes are taken into account.  It's all about what social workers want and how much funding they can get from the government.  Don't get me wrong there are good social workers out there and I have got to know them   They do their best to keep families and only keep children in foster care or get them adopted when it's truly in the child's best interests.  These social workers work within the system trying to improve it as that is better than losing their jobs and not being able to help families.
 
These days it is more about educating people that adoption isn't always in the child's best interests and coerced adoptions still happen.  These days it isn't so much about clear cut coercion and more about 'persuasion' that open adoption is wonderful.  What people don't understand is that open adoption can be closed even if it is written in the paperwork.  Also adoptive parents can move or get divorced, there are no guarantees in this world.

Being positive....

Today I feel more positive.   To add to my woes of late I found a lump just above my right leg rwo weeks ago after Rick and I had our photo shoot for the article that is being written.  My skin had been itchy anyway but round that area it also felt a bit tender.  I do suffer with stress / depression related rashes which are either itchy and inflamed or the skin is dry.  Until the lump appeared I wasn't worried but it got larger.  Yesterday I saw a locum doctor rather than the one I usually see.  She knows my medical history whereas the locum doesn't.  He made notes on the computer and examined me then came to the conclusion I have an infection so prescribed cream for the rash.  I found it a bit frustrating as he completely disregarded what I told him about the rash being on ongoing problem.  He also only checked recent medical history.  The doctor told me that if it isn't any better after a week and the lump is still there to go back.  I'm not worried about the rash as it's on ongoing problem that I have learned to live with.  What I am worried about is the lump even though it isn't painful most of the time.  I suffer with a dull ache with it when I have been active.

I know I am a bit anxious about the article and what sort of reaction it will bring out in people.  The past ones have had positive feedback as they have been about reunion and how we dealt with the lows as well as the highs.  This time it's a catch up one which is more to do with the lows.  I love my son very much and I will never regret finding him.  The 'but' is I have had moments when I have wished I hadn't found him due to the heartbreak reunion has caused.  That sounds cruel but it isn't meant to be I am just trying to be honest.

Pre reunion it was easy for me to have my fantasy that my son was happy and had a great life.  That he was okay with being adopted or even that he didn't know.  Finding my son was the happiest day of my life as I knew he was alive, well and believed that he wanted to know me.  Nothing had prepared either of us for reunion so I accept that it wasn't easy for either of us.  We are probably too much alike, more than we had expected.  I wanted reunion to work with all my heart so having to deal with the dark side hasn't been easy.  Even when I have wished that I could have carried on with the fantasy deep down I have been even more certain that I did the right thing contacting my son.  He has had closure and found out medical information.  I know he has finally settled, has a job, has a house and is a father.  If we hadn't had that contact neither of us would have had closure.

The past couple of weeks have just been particularly bad for me emotionally (depression and health), the cyber bullying and finding out information the way I did.  I also fear a backlash for being honest about reunion even though I love my son and don't regret reunion.  The knowing is far better than not knowing.  I would rather know my son is alive no matter what he thinks of me than not knowing or worse still that he had died.

Feeling sorry for myself....

The past few weeks have been tough going and I wonder 'why me' at times. I am hoping I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It has been hard to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. I'm just glad I have my pets to cheer me up. Tasha loves coming out for the last walk with the dogs which means I end up spending at least have the walk tripping over her. The dogs don't help as they try to play with her.

It takes my mind off adoption when I have happy adoption free times. It's difficult to get away from the subject though as I have friends that are affected by adoptions and I'm regularly reading emails from people on the subject. It is inter-woven into my life and sometimes I wish I could be back to the denial times. Life wasn't easier but adoption didn't seem to take over every waking moment. I avoided dealing with my own emotions.

I know I could have refused to do another article about my own story. Something inside me finds it hard to say 'no' so maybe it is my way of dealing with my emotions. I also have had a positive feedback from going 'public'. It is difficult for so many people to talk openly about their own experiences. Some people have told me it is shame that stops them and the blieve that other people will either not believe them or look down on them. This time round I 'm not sure I am doing the right thing. It's horrible feeling like this particularly after all the time it took to make me up for the photographs then the time it took to take all the photographs. Time will tell as I'm not sure if I'm feeling like because of depression or what!

Life after reunion .... ?

There was a time when my purpose in life was to be reunited with my son.  It was what I lived for.  The hope of happiness after the nightmare of coerced adoption.  I had my moments when life got too much and I would overdose but only one was serious enough for me to end up in hospital.  I cried at night for ages afterwards as I was still alive.  Life just seemed pointless, worthless, I was worthless.  A real mother would be raising her child.  I was a failure.  I had no purpose.  When the pain was bad inside I had to let it out.  The only way I could was by cutting myself.  Never enough to do any serious damage yet enough to let the hurt.  The atual cuts never hurt.

When I found my son my prayers were answered.  He was alive, well, had a good life and seemed happy.  Reality set in and I don't think I could have ever have have done anything to make him happy or even like me.  I tried but who can truly be prepared for reunion.  I failed again, made too many mistakes.  Life didn't have a happy ending with reunion.  I've just felt even more inadequate.  I wasn't meant to be a mother no matter how much I wanted this.  Feeling guilty and feeking selfish for wanting a little bit of what other parents have.

I have come full circle.  Reunion feels like a dream at times then I have a moment to remind me it was very real.  The constant, daily battle with feeling suicidal.  Wondering when I will be free from the constant pain caused by adoption.