Bored, bored, bored .....

.... of getting messages from people who don't believe I was coerced into surrendering my son.

"I find it interesting that you feel the right to bash adoption in general and discount the millions of happy adoption stories because of your own guilt and hangups. If a woman chooses to give up her child, it's her fault if she regrets it later. Can you explain to me how you were "coerced" into giving up your son?"

Classic example that it's easier to live in blissful ignorance and that adoption is wunnerful farting unicorns.  As usual I really have hang ups and feel guilty so feel I have a right to bash adoption in general.  After all what right do I have?  What experience do I have?

According to happy adoptoland I wanted to surrender my son as I wanted him to have two parents.  Of course my dear beloved mother would have loved to have helped me but she was too ill to help.  

Yeah! Right!

According to reality I was bullied and lied into surrendering.  My mother was a liar as she didn't want to help me and amazingly she was fit enough to look after my niece who is two years older than my son.

I have every right to bash adoption in general as I have lived with it on a personal level for 31 years.  I also have cousins who were adopted, their adoptive father is my dad's 1st cousin.  I have friends that were adopted and I have got to know other adoptive parents.

This person got a message back telling her I wasn't going to waste my time educating someone who obviously doesn't want to be educated. I had to send another message because of the limit on words with a link to my story I wrote sometime a go with an update but asked the person not to bother responding unless she was prepared to be educated.

The message was in regard to her question at  http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvOUIncLl8jQdVnToSl8n4Lty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20121119143711AAPbv0i with the title Why is it so "selfish" for a beautiful woman to want to ruin her body?

The title of the question says it all and I'm supposed to be the one with problems!!!!! *Mumbling under my breath that I would rather be me than a vain woman who wants to adopt because she doesn't want to "ruin" her body*

After responding I then got two lots of comments aimed at me the first being this:
"Pip, there are plenty of women all over the world (not just the U.S.) who don't want to/can't take care of their children. What's selfish about adopting a little girl from Korea or Sudan who would otherwise have a horrible life? Can you explain that to me please? Do you know how lucky women are to be born in the United States? If you were a slave in a rice patty or a brothel for your whole life you would be wishing someone had adopted you."

My being me stuck up for myself and pointed that I'm not American nor am I stupid.  I pointed out that I have three cousins who were adopted from third world countries.  If they hadn't been adopted they would have been raised by extended family.  I also pointed out there are other ways of helping children without actually adopting them.  As a side note I forgot to mention in my response that if she is so concerned about these children why isn't she doing something to change their lives.

The second was:
" Whatever Pip, your issues are not my problem. 2 of my close girlfriends are adopted and I've known many other adopted people, they and their parents are all very happy. You were "coerced" into giving up your son? If you really loved him you would have died before you let anyone take him from you.  Sounds like you aren't fit to be a mother anyway. Don't knock adoption in general because of your own guilt and hangups. I'm not talking about forcibly taking anyone's kid for gods sake. If a woman chooses to give up her child then that's her fault if she regrets it later."

So yet again somebody thinks they know it all just because they know adopted people.  Just because she knows these people doesn't make her an expert the same as it doesn't make me an expert either.  The huge difference between me and her is that I do know what it is like to be coerced into surrendering.  I do know some of the tactics as they were used on me.  I also believe other mothers because I know what happened to me.  This ignorant little madam hasn't got a clue and because she doesn't her mind is closed to the real truth.  Nothing I tell her will change her mind and I doubt she will read the links I supplied or read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler.  I did point out Ann Fessler is an adoptee who has found her mother.  

This comment was well and truly below the belt "Sounds like you aren't fit to be a mother anyway." but sadly didn't surprise me.  What point is there for me telling her exactly what happened to me as I don't  think she will believe that my son's adoption was illegal morally and in legal terms.  His father didn't sign away his rights for a start without anything else that was done to make sure the adoption went through therefore illegal.

So another vent over and done with!!!!!

Forever the bad guy...!

Yes, that's right I am the bad guy yet again on Y!A, may favourite place to see insults flying about, rudeness and offensive comments being made.  The latest thing to set me of into a major vent is to do with a question I asked http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuOIk5uF1yr8QXGS4PKLgvwgBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20121026033018AAMuCkG

What 'kicked it off' this time was me responding to somebody about another person's answer.  The answer that started it was:

"It's a tabloid. 99% bs. How anyone can believe them is beyond me. Same goes for biased websites. Now give me an honest newspaper and an unbiased website, and I'll read all tge stuff for and against adoptions."

The article I linked to my question came from the Daily Mail which just so happened to be the first online paper  I read that morning.  The person who picked up on the answer pointed out that the article was also in The Telegraph which is a reputable newspaper which I used to read regularly but it is pro social workers.  Although it can be argued there is nothing wrong with that.  However British social workers have a bad reputation for snatching children who should remain with their parents and not taking the children who should be removed from their parents.  I will always stand by one abused / dead abused child is one too many.  This doesn't excuse social workers not returning children to their parents when it has been proven the parents are innocent.

She also asked if I was going to block the person who gave the answer which I have.  I pointed out in my response to this person that the one who gave the answer has this included in her 'About me':

'As for blocking people, I only block worthless people.'

This person blocks everybody who disagrees with her which includes me so I said  I wondered we she had answered my question when I am a worthless person.  Even though I suffer with low self esteem and little confidence I know I'm not worthless. I simply blocked this person because when she has answered my questions she has been rude.  Blocking her doesn't stop here reading my answers but it stops her giving rude answers to my questions which usually don't answer my question either.  I find this disruptive and pointless.

Another person took it into her head that I was being spiteful based on my comment.  I don't know why she couldn't have just asked me instead of assuming I was just being spiteful.  I chose to ignore this comment:

"@Pip: How very sad you would "block" someone just because you do not like their answers. Did I say that I was the only one. No I just brought up an alternative way to look at the situation other than automatically jumping to the conclusion that the adoptive parents were automatically at fault. As for you and Frockney blocking me, go ahead. It will only prove that you do not have the courage of your conviction or and the ability to defend them. Ahhhh ain't censorship grand."

I don't block people because I don't like their answers as I usually ignore them.  Sometimes I report answers if they have been exceptionally rude / offensive / attacking.  I only have one person blocked and the others are multiple accounts owned by one person who is a troll.  I haven't block this person  as her remark was juvenile and jumping to conclusions.  I have relatives and friends who have adopted who are decent people.  I don't even lump all adoptive parents together on Y!A as most are decent people.  There may be times when I may disagree with them but I still respect them as they are decent nor do I expect them always to agree with me either.  With regard to the article I wasn't even blaming the scam for being victims.  I actually felt sorry for them.  What some people were missing the point on was that a baby was involved in the scam.  The article was based on how it affected the couple without a thought for the baby.

I also received a message from the same person who made some awful assumptions about me yet she should know me better from my answers on Y!A.  I will comment be some of the comments:

Maybe I wouldn't be so "madly" pro-adoption if you would realize that not all people aren't meant to be parents. ~  I have never, ever said that all parents who have children are meant to be parents.  Maybe this person is blinded by the fact that when I say that I also say there are adopters who should never had been allowed to adopt.

I don't even know why I am trying to explain this to you since you are so wrapped up in your own tragedy you can't see anything else but that. ~ I'm not wrapped up in my own tragedy.  It is a reality and a fact that should never have happened in the first place.

I really wish you would spend some times with some of these children, learn what real abandonment and fear is. ~ This is in reference of children who have been abused.  I have spent time with children  that have been abused.  One includes a 9 year old child who was abused by a babysitter.  Why this person should assume I have never spoken to an abused child is beyond me.  If she had asked politely she would have got a less heated response back from me.

I use to feel sorry for you..even though I thought you bore some responsibility..but now I don't. ~ I don't want her pity and have never wanted anybody's pity.  All I have ever wanted is for people to believe me.

You have revealed yourself to be as spiteful as anyone else. ~ I wasn't being spiteful and explained in my message why I blocked the person.  The person I blocked has made my life a misery for months by calling me a liar, repeatedly tells me she doesn't believe my story and has even accused me of being a troll with multiple accounts.  Every time I have politely defended myself only for her to turn it back on me and say I started it.  She has made a good job of playing the victim despite being picked up bullying me in the first place.  So, I have been put in my place like a naughty little girl that people can be spiteful towards me and I'm expected to rollover and take it.  Like a naughty little girl who is strong willed I shall carry on defending myself. 

I told you once before to seek help and to learn about forgiveness before it ate you up but you haven't. ~  Some people can be so arrogant.  She is not qualified to tell me to seek help which I did long before I ever went onto Y!A.  The counsellor I saw told me she learned from me on how to help mothers who have surrendered.  I gained far more from other mothers who have surrendered.  They were the ones who helped me learn how to cope and that it is okay to talk about my experiences.  Unfortunately some people want to shout me down and stop me from talking.  I don't understand why they see me as a threat.  It's acceptable for them to speak of their experiences so they should respect my right to speak as well.  My parents did a good job on me to silence me for 23 years.  Subsequently it took time for me to sort my head out.  I refuse to be silenced by faceless strangers who have crossed my path on the internet.  She also chooses to ignore the fact that I have publically forgiven those who have hurt me.  I asked her in my response whom I am supposed to forgive.  Not surprisingly I haven't had a response back nor go I expect one back.  What can I expect though from someone  who doesn't know me, hasn't got a clue what she is talking about and yet thinks she knowa me better than I know myself?

      

 Do you really think it is healthy to pick at your wounds every single day, over and over and over? ~ Sharing my experiences isn't licking my wounds, it's telling it as it is.  I might even educate someone along the line and it may encourage someone to parent instead of surrendering.

Get help Pip because whether or not you know it or realize it, this site is making you sicker. ~ This just made me laugh; if this is the best she can do then she obviously can't think of a good reason to warn me off.  

It's the weekend and the trolls are out to play.

Yes that's right the weekend and the favourite time for the trolls to come out and play on Y!A.  It happened over night and I can rely on my favourite people letting me know.  We have our suspicions who it is and she has multiple accounts.  This time the fake member goes by the name 'Pip' which is very original and very conveniently the same name I use there and also the name people know me as online.  Nothing wrong with me doing that as it's the shortened version of my name.

This troll also decided to be clever by using basically the same avatar as me.  Her 'About me' is an attempt to mock me.  I've since changed my avatar so it will be interesting to see if she does the same.

 This is her 'About me' so anybody who knows me will know this is mocking me:

I'm a birth mother. I choose to give my son up and give him the shot at a great life. After reuniting with him years later I am very glad I made that decision as he is just not someone I particularly care for, I am certainly glad I didn't have to raise him LOL! Also, the choice to give my son up for adoption has freed up so many hours for me to post on internet forums and eat cheesecake, while most real parents have to spend their time doing that parenting crap I get to spend dozens of hours online everyday. Yay! I feel very strongly about adoption and believe that it is a very wonderful system providing unwanted children with loving, deserving families. 

It's incredible what extent some people will go to just to upset me.  It hasn't worked as this is just stupidity and very juvenile.  I have obviously got under this person's skin enough to try anything.  She has also got more time on her hands than I have to answer nine questions that I have answered.  I may spend hours at a time on the internet but at least I am doing something constructive such as being supportive at the same time.  We run several forums and the most popular one is the depression forums.  Not only am supportive but I have made lovely friends through it.

This question was the one that the troll gave the most juvenile answer:   

 http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AlhF37yJhqBAvwzgabFfkC3sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20121005075033AAC4UQy

Adoption: Would you do it why or why not? BQ questions?

1. Would you adopt, why or not?
2. Would you adopt first and then have biological kids, or have your kids first then adopt, or mix it up
3. How many kids would you adopt? Would you want them to be from the same mom or dad?
4. Would you adopt a boy or girl and why?

Pip:

1. Would you adopt, why or not?
No, I don't care for other people, not even my own son.
2. Would you adopt first and then have biological kids, or have your kids first then adopt, or mix it up
Neither, had one bio and choose to give him up for adoption.
3. How many kids would you adopt? Would you want them to be from the same mom or dad?
None, that would take time away from all the hours I spend on Yahoo Answers.
4. Would you adopt a boy or girl and why?
I'm much too busy with my online forum posting to adopt children

I must be doing something right to be picked on although this is the most original way to date.  Others have done their bit by reporting the answers by this troll and so have I.  It wont stop me going onto Y!A either.  I have the philosophy that people can ignore me if they don't like my answers and if I get a reaction then I know they have read my answer.  It's a sad word that adoption is still be promoted, sold as wonderful and a win-win situation for everybody.  Financially the real winners are the adoption industry.  I'm not disputing whether abused children should be removed or not, they should be removed from their parents have the right to be raised by people who will love them  For some people they refuse to accept that adoption isn't always wonderful, it isn't always in the child's best interests, and, adoptees and mothers do suffer loss.

When is a mother not a real mother?

When she has surrendered a child according to the gospel of a woman is wants to be a foster mother and potentially adopt a foster child.  This is the 'wonderful' comment that left me shaking my head:

"A real mother (birthmother or adoptive mother), raises their kids."

Hmm I breathe in air, I eat food, drink fluids, I move so therefore I must be a real woman.  I also went through pregnancy, gave birth to my son and been a mother to him post reunion so therefore that makes me a mother.  Okay so really I am a fake throwaway mother.

"Where I live, birthmother just means someone that gave birth. I will continue to use that word. It is not offensive here, so I will continue to use it."

This is in reference to Y!A and plenty of people have said it's an offensive term there.  This person has absolutely no respect for anybody's feelings then wonders why she is attacked.  As far as she is concerned it's the correct term to use so therefore is fine to be disrespectful of a person's feelings.  The same person has even sunk low enough to accuse me of not knowing how to spell adopter ~ she spells it adoptor.     

"Therefore, adoptive mothers ARE real mothers. To say otherwise is offensive."

Personally I have never said adoptive mothers aren't real mothers.  What I generally say is adoptees have to real mothers; one that gives birth to the child and the other raises the child.  Just because a mother doesn't raise a child doesn't mean she isn't raising a child.  Adoption doesn't wipe the mother who has gone through pregnancy and given birth to a child.

This followed on in the rant:

"So, from now on, I will just refer to them as mothers and fathers."

Nothing wrong with that but can be confusing when someone is referring to natural parents and adoptive parents.  In the early years I used to refer to my son's adopters as his parents but then I had to clarify so after that I used the term adoptive parents.  My response to the person was to tell her to grow up.

This is a comment that she is starting to use more and more in her answers:

"Where I live, birthmother just means someone that gave birth. I will continue to use that word. It is not offensive here,"

I'm not sure whether she is just missing the point or deliberately posting it just to annoy people.  Everybody who goes on the adoption section of  Y!A knows the term is used for mothers who have surrendered. Maybe she is right but I don't know that as I don't know where she lives.

Of course if I could change history I would have raised my son.  I can't though and I don't see why I should be driven away from a site just because of the ignorance of one person.  I like a challenge anyway and it is interesting to see her change her answers to come across as more supportive to mothers making the right choice.  Unfortunately it is so easy to make her show her true colours.  Ir's a shame social workers (or whoever she's going through) doesn't see the answers she gives on Y!A. 

The selfishness of adoption

 Reading a question online today was yet another reminder of the selfishness of adoption,  A couple were going to adopt a baby that they believed would fit into their family due to seeing the mother and based on what she told them.  The child is transracial so they don't want to adopt the baby now as she wont blend.  From the wording of the question and additional information they had no intention of telling the child she was adopted which disgusted me.  In this day and age it is so easy for family members to find an adopted relative it is also stupidity.

How this intended keeping this child in the dark was beyond me.  Had they gone ahead with the adoption family and friends would have known as their minister had been involved.  All it would have taken would have been an argument or an act of spite for the child to find out.  Also with all the research and information available on the internet it sadly doesn't shock me that there are still adopters who still think it;s acceptable to pass an adopted child off as their own.  Children aren't accessories to fit in with adopters lives they are human beings who deserve to be respected and treated equally to non adopted children. 

The meaning of life......?

When I was young life seemed so simple and I had my dreams.  I knew that I wanted to have a family of my own and dreamed of the quaint cottage in a tiny friendly village existence.  To this day I can't explain why I thought it would be the perfect life.  Maybe it's simply because I was always a dreamer and knew deep down life isn't that simply.

My life couldn't have been more different if I tried.  I worked for a number of years in London which, despite the horrendous journey, I did initially enjoy.  I liked the variety of shops and the market near the office.  What destroyed my social life was being bullied and lied into surrendering my son.  My job no longer meant anything to me as I lost my reason for making something of my life.  I got up, went to work, pretended I was happy, went home then repeated the cycle day in day out.  Even when I socialised I did on auto pilot.  I put on a front and that was it so I became a very lonely person.

I reunited with my son and for a while my life had a purpose that even marriage hadn't given me.  I love my husband but even so I was going through the motions of life.  I was finally able to be myself, the real me.  Over the years I have felt life has finally had meaning for me again.  So why do I feel like life has no meaning anymore?

Constantly telling my story has become a burden.  I feel that often I am wasting my breathe on the realities of adoption for mothers who have been coerced into surrendering.  My whole life feels dragged down by a combination of depression and talking about adoption.  Too many pro adoption supporters / adopters don't want to know about the dark side of adoption.  I feel like I am on a losing battle.  What is the meaning of life for me?     

Sometimes .......

.....I am just happy to be alive.  It helps to get messages that simply make me laugh at the most unexpected times.  I am also very thankful for the members on the depression forums we run.  The members are all from different backgrounds, have different types of depression yet we are all 'there' for each other.  One member, in particular, has a horrific past and it's a miracle this person is still alive due to another person's action.  This member is so supportive and incredibly funny which makes it easy for everybody else to be supportive back.  It's times like this I appreciate what I have.  The members know about my story and accept me for whom I am.