Saturday, 13 April 2013

Real Mothers.....

Reading a comment by adoptive mother that adoptive parents are the real parents of adopted children got me thinking of the story in the bible of the two mothers who went before King Solomon.

1 Kings 3:16-28 New International Version - UK (NIVUK) 
A wise ruling
16 Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. 17 One of them said, ‘Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house. I had a baby while she was there with me. 18 The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.
19 ‘During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. 20 So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. 21 The next morning, I got up to nurse my son – and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.’
22 The other woman said, ‘No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.’
But the first one insisted, ‘No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.’ And so they argued before the king.
23 The king said, ‘This one says, “My son is alive and your son is dead,” while that one says, “No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.”’
24 Then the king said, ‘Bring me a sword.’ So they brought a sword for the king. 25 He then gave an order: ‘Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.’
26 The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, ‘Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!’
But the other said, ‘Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!’
27 Then the king gave his ruling: ‘Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.’
28 When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.

It makes that very good point that real mothers want what is best for their child.  Just because a mother surrenders a child it doesn't stop her from being a real mother.  Far too many mothers surrender a child because they feel they don't have a choice.  Of course the modern day coercive tactics of adoption agencies don't help.  

It frustrates the heck out of me though the amount of adoptive mothers tell expectant  mothers that they are;
- being mature for knowing they can't give the life their child deserves and adoptive parents can,
- it's the loving option
- slefless
- that mothers who encourage them to parent are being coercive
- that mothers telling them to look at all options are being coercive.

These seem to be the popular lines yet anybody encouraging an expectant mother to surrender without looking at all the options are being coercive.

I decided to google adoption agencies and one of the first on the list was Bethany Christian Service.  The first thing that strike me was this line:

"The birth and adoptive families fully disclose identifying information."

So almost immediately the family is referred to as the birth family.  It saddens me that the natural family is immediately reduced to the one act of giving birth.  Only the mother can give birth and there is more to it than just giving birth.  The mother goes through nine months of pregnancy, bonding, and, nourishing her baby.  Her baby knows her smell, voice and heartbeat.  To refer to any other member of the natural family is plain stupid as they don't give birth.

"After placement, there is direct contact between families by telephone, e-mail, or letter. 
There is face-to-face contact between birth and adoptive families as the child grows up."

Just because it says so on the website doesn't mean the adoptive family will honour an open or semi open adoption.  I have been on enough sites to know that mothers have been conned by the promise of an open adoption (or semi open) just to have the 'door' slammed in their faces.  They don't even know if their children are growing up to know they are adopted.  it is so wrong.

I did click on a couple of the other links including considering adoption.  Instead of an well balanced information page it comes across as virtually a done deal that the expectant mother will definitely surrender.

"Considering adoption

Your choices today for an adoption plan are far greater than they were in the past.  No two adoption plans are the same because no two groups of people involved are the same.  Expectant parents have ideas about what their adoption plan will look like in the future and so do prospective adoptive parents.  The best adoption plans reflect both and allow both time to get to know each other and build a relationship."

If an expectant mother is considering adoption she is hardly going to jump in the deep end by making an adoption plan straight away.  The whole point of considering adoption is to understand the pros and cons of surrendering.  She is hardly in the position to make an informed position to make a plan let alone meet prospective adoptive parents.  Adoption agencies are hardly going to warnan expectant mother of the pitfalls of adoption such as;
- the adopters potentially closing the adoption,
- the adopters potentially not telling the child he or she is adopted.
- they might be abusive.
- they might divorce.
- they may lose their job(s) / home.
- one of the adopters might die.
"Counselors help expectant parents arrange adoptions that reflect the amount of contact that each family wants.  Many families will want to have ongoing, face to face contact, having regular visits and/or celebrating special occasions and holidays together.  Others may only want to meet initially and maintain their contact with a little more distance, through pictures, letters, emails and phone calls.  Each plan is unique as is the amount of contact that is planned."

Adoption counselling isn't unbiased.  Adoption agencies are in the business of selling babies for a profit.  The adoption counselling is biased towards adoption being the selfless loving option.  This link for the 5 most coercive aspects of modern adoption ia well worth reading.