Saturday, 3 August 2013

Happy Birthday Anthony

You were born 32 years ago today.  A day I will never forget not because of the joy of giving birth to a beautiful boy but because I knew I was on a losing battle to keep.

Other mothers were filled with happiness.  I was filled with sadness.

Other mothers smiled.  I cried.

Other mothers looked forward to taking their babies home.  I felt like I had no future.

No words can explain how I truly felt over the years.  Anger kept me going.  It wasn't healthy.  Depression came close to killing me a few times over the years.  I felt that I had nothing to live for.  I wasn't a 'good enough mother' to be encouraged to raise you.  Yet I was a 'good enough aunt' to look after your cousins, spend time with them and take them out.  What was the difference? 

If I wasn't 'good enough' to be a mother to you why was I a 'good enough' aunt to them?

When I found you it was a day of relief, happiness, joy and answer to prayer that you were alive and well.  It also meant I couldn't keep buried the feelings of despair, anger, pain, hurt, sadness and heartache that I had felt for 23 years.  I wanted to believe you when you told me that your wanted a relationship with me.  I believed you when you told me you wanted me to acknowledge that I am your mother and that you are my son.  I took it all when you were having a bad day.  I kept quiet when you blamed me for what was wrong in your life.  Or I would gently reason with you that I couldn't erase the pain.  I put up with you accusing me of doing and saying what you had done or said.  That was until I had had enough of it and would proof I hadn't done or said what you accused me off.

None of this stopped me or Rick taking you in when you had nowhere else to go.  It was the dream I never thought would happen.  I didn't want to replace your other mother I just wanted to enjoy being a mother to you for a short time.

I (and Rick) put up with the lies you told even though we would tell you we knew what lies you told.

We put up with you disrespecting our boundaries. 

We put up with you throwing your toys out of the pram ever time things didn't go your way.

We looked after you when you were ill and tried to help with your issues by getting appropriate mental health help.

What, then, did I do so wrong?

Did I love you too much?

Did I make the mistake of standing you to you when you behaved badly or lied?

Were we wrong to not to let you split us up?

Were we so very wrong to try and help you feel better?

What was it about me that you decided I'm not a good enough mother?

Why did you live with us so long as you believe I'm not a good enough mother and not worthy of being a grandmother to your son or step grandmother to your step daughter?

Will the day ever come that you will stop thinking of your own pain?

Does it ever stop me from loving you?

No it doesn't.  I will always love you, happy birthday son.