Monday, 22 July 2013

A new royal baby born.....

My interest amounted to only wanting to know what sex the baby is. It's not that I'm not interested as much as the news coverage is OTT as usually.  The idiotic comments have been coming out such as the baby hasn't been named yet.  Well how the heck does anybody know whether he has got a name yet.

On a more personal level it makes me sad.  Sad that I didn't raise my only child.  Sad that he thinks so little of me that I'm not even allowed to know my grandson's name let alone when he was born.  It is just another of those knives in the heart for me.

Every time  I hear or read someone spouting how wunnerful adoption is I want to smash my fist through my laptop or hit a wall.  When these people live the painful side of adoption let them spout how wonderful adoption is then.  But it is unlikely they ever will.

I have been severely depressed since the beginning of March which hasn't helped.   The reasons I have been depressed haven't even been specifically adoption related,   The cycle has been the usual outside influences getting me down as I have been dragged into their problems.  We have a neighbour from hell who has been usual me as his target for hate.  I have also had triggers by things that have been said in general and the people involved haven't realized they have triggered me.  It has come to the stage of ever decreasing circles with even less periods of being happy.  I have forgotten what it is like to be truly happy as it's been so long.  I am struggling more and more with suicidal thoughts and have given up talking about it as I know I'm not being taken seriously.  It's a good thing I'm not a betting person as I wouldn't want to chance making a bet on how I die.  I am simply keeping a record here now and have posted on a forum regularly with regards to my battle.  It is a stand I have to make from today of the devastating effect adoption has had on me.