Thursday, 20 December 2012

It's that time of year again....

This time of year is one of those times of year I feel sad and have severe depression chucked in for good measure.

I used to love Christmas as it was the one time of the year it was good being with family.  After my son was adopted I hated it.  I was 20 years old the first Christmas and it was difficult to say the least.  I can't put it into words how painful it was particularly as my eldest niece was a baby.  It was impossible not to think about my son.  I wished I could be with him, to give him presents and giving him hugs for his first Christmas.  Every year after that I would be imagining what he would be getting and if he was happy.

Reunion change that as I knew what he was doing for Christmas.  The first two he was in Canada but
I knew he was alive and well.  The third Christmas into reunion he was living with us which made it very special.  He spent the Christmases of 2006, 2007 and 2008 with us.  I couldn't have asked for more.

2009 my son moved out, we fell out and it's all my fault in his eyes.  It doesn't matter that he has deep rooted issues that he is in denial.  It is easier to blame me for what's wrong in his life.  I know I made mistakes but I also know I made my son welcome, cooked meals for him, washed his clothes, sorted out his problems when I could, took abuse, rudeness put up with the nastiness all because I love him.  I know my son didn't like me standing up for myself or insisting on ground rules but he had to know I wasn;t going to be a complete walkover.  Finally telling home truths took a weight off my shoulders.

It still hurts.  I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was by my parents just to make sure he was adopted.  I didn't deserve my mum's cruelty post reunion telling me she couldn't understand why my son wanted to know me when I was nothing and his adoptive family was his only family.  I don't deserve his nastiness aimed at me in blaming me for what's wrong in his life.

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