Monday, 13 May 2013

Pain, depression, suicidal .....

March and early April are tough although after Mother's Day (in the UK) my mood improves.  This year has been different and I have been driven to be suicidal by people who should know better.

I co run a depression forums and a few weeks ago a discussion got out of hand.  Myself and another person were attacked and we defended each other.  A few sharp remarks were made but I was apologised too so I thought that would be the end of it.  The other member wouldn't let it drop and went for the jugular which inflamed the situation.  I was left having to deal with the mess which left this person being angrier at me and accusing me of being worse than the other two.  This was despite him forwarding nasty messages he had sent to one of them and posts he had written.  The other member was very upset for good reason and had warned him if he carried on that this person would inform the police.

He and two other members set up a new freebie forums on proboards as I was getting the blame for all that had been said.  I was accused of not trying to sort things out with one of the other two.  They have virtually accused me of being a liar nd that it's all in my head that rumours are flying around.  I know I haven't lied, that I have sent an email to one person, that at least one person has been nasty.  I have even been accused of sending a nasty email to the person I was actually trying to sort things out with or if I didn't that I know who did.  Without me actually seeing the email I can't prove who did or at least have a good idea who did.

It's got to the stage that one person I was keeping in touch with privately as well as on the forums is now refusing to have contact.  At least one person has been stirring the pot even though I refused to be dragged into the petty squabbling.  He believes the other three over me even though I can prove I haven't done anything wrong. 

Over the past two weeks I have been suicidal and it's been a struggle not to overdose on tablets.  Every time I think the matter has been dropped I get another message or email knocking me back down again.  The last time I felt as bad as this was 2005 and a year into reunion.  What makes it even worse is the people I considered friends knew how low I was feeling and been verging on committing suicide.  This was to do with someone wanting to join up with the forums before all the nastiness.  Just because he wasn't approved quick enough I was sent four abusive, threatening messages.  We got the police involved who eventually got him help in the form of the mental health team.  He had also got approved by another administrator by using a different username and email.  He then went onto be abusive and threatening on the forums and at this person for defending me until I banned him.

I am doing my best to hang on in there but it's getting increasingly harder.  At least one person is on a vendetta to make my life even more of a living hell.       

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