Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Am I such a threat to (potential) adopters?

No matter how fed up I get with Y!A I haven't quite been able to wean myself off it yet.  I'm a bit more selective what questions I do answer.  It doesn't stop the idiotic attacks I occasionally get.  The following is a private message I received from someone who then blocked me.  I couldn't respond back to this so edited my answer on the question;_ylt=At1h3L9_Hsq2TTk9ytXjiK8hBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20120827045917AAmXdgo .

"No one made you do anything. You were 19 and made that choice yourself. Please quit telling people who feel they can't raise a child to raise it. You and your son have issues that don't stem from adoption. I keep telling you that even kids raised by bio parents have mental illness.Most adoptions turn out to be the best thing for a child. Your son sounds schizophrenic. Not caused by adoption. You may want to get checked yourself.

It pisses me off to no end that people like you make all adopters sound wicked and evil. We are going to adopt thru foster care. Please quit telling people that people like me are wicked, all because YOU made the choice all by yourself to surrender your child. No one made you do it." 

This is the edit the person put to their answer to the question:

"Edit. Pip. He could have turned out the same way had you raised him. Mental illness and such don't occur because of adoption. He sounds schizophrenic. See if he can get evaluated. My husband's younger brother and sister are on drugs. One is mentally ill. All siblings were raised by bio parents. I have told you this a few times already. And stop blaming everyone else. You were an adult. You had a job. You were capable of raising a child. You signed those papers of your own free will. You could have put your foot down and said no to adoption. But you didn't. I don't care who lied, coerced, bullied, etc. You signed the papers. Perhaps you need a mental health evaluation."

I sometimes wonder why these people assume they know what really happened when my son was adopted.  I lived it, I know what happened so how the heck can anybody tell me that nobody forced me to do anything?

No there wasn't any physical force but I was still bullied, lied to, even suffered emotional abuse.  I did have a choice which was to parent.  I believed the lies as it was my parents who were lying as they hadn't lied before so I had no reason to believe they were then.  The case worker should have been truthful but she also lied.  How was I supposed to know she lied when I didn't know my rights which she with held from me?

I constantly said no to my son being adopted and I certainly didn't sign the Consent to Relinquish form of my own free will.  I know for a fact I didn't as it had to be signed in front of a magistrate and I never saw a magistrate.  I would willingly prove I didn't sign the form if I could get a copy of it.  

I will not stop pointing out all options to expectant mothers considering their options.  It's not my problem if some people are so obsessed with adoption / adopting that they can't see beyond their needs out.  If an expectant mother reaches out for support because she's not sure if adoption is best then I will point out the negatives.  I can't tell anybody what to do but I can point out the pros and cons of the options available.  If people want to twist this to me telling an expectant mother to raise her child that is their problem.

I know my depression didn't start because of depression.  The root cause is the emotional abuse that started when I was 12 or 13 years old.  Being coerced into surrendering made my depression worse.  I should have talked instead of bottling everything up because I was expected to forget my life and forget about my son.  My son has major issues with adoption, he is in denial that his issues have an impact on him, he suffers with depression.  He could have suffered with depression even if I had raised him.  Nobody knows and they certainly don't right to tell me that our issues don't stem from adoption.  This is sheer ignorance and complete denial that adoption can cause depression.  What can I expect from someone so obsessed with adoption being good that they are blinded to the negatives?  

It also infuriates me that anybody can be patronising enough to suggest getting my son evaluated.  I find it equally patronising with the suggestion that maybe I should get evaluated as well. What gives them the right to assume that neither his adoptive parents nor I have tried?  Do people really believe I haven't been to see a doctor to be assessed?

I know I suffer with depression.  Doctors have told me I suffer with depression.  I have been on anti depressants on and off over the years. 

My son's adoptive parents paid for him to see someone but he only went a couple of times.  We got the mental health team involved when my son lived with us as we were at our wits end with his behaviour.  At first we thought the sessions were helping and we even had family sessions although he didn't want his adoptive parents there.  I don't think it would have made much difference.  Eventually we knew my son wasn't being completely honest so on the last family session I told him a home truths.  I still believe he was just saying what he thought we wanted to hear instead of being completely honest.  It is beyond me though how someone can conclude that another person could be schizophrenic without knowing that person.

This person has never told me that even children raised by their parents can suffer with mental illness.  It's  an idiotic thing to say to me as my depression stems from emotional abuse and I am not adopted.  I know a number of non adopted people who suffer with depression.    

Most adoptions being the best for the child is open to debate.  I completely agree that abused children should be removed from their parents but there are other alternatives to adoption.  Legal / special guardianship works and children can be with family members.

I have never, ever said or written that all adopters sound wicked or evil.  Many are decent people regardless of their reasons for adopting.  I respect the ones who educate themselves and admit that they were naive about adoption and it's effect on mothers and adoptees.  I respect them for backing adoptee and mothers rights.  I certainly don't hold anything against my dad's cousin and his wife who adopted internationally in the 1960's.  Attitudes were different nor did people understand then the effect adoption has on children let alone those adopted internationally.  I had a school friend who was adopted who is well adjusted and loves her adoptive parents who helped her find her mother.  I have got to know other adoptive parents whom I have learned so much from.  All I ever do is sometimes question the motives of potentially adopters as they come across as needy, entitled and having no consideration of the child's needs.

I have come to the conclusion that I scare some adopters and potential adopters because I refuse to stop telling the truth.  I refuse to let them bully me and I will never give into these ignorant people. 

1 comment:

  1. ALL yes ALL adopters are wicked if they adopt a child AGAINST the will of the parents expressed in court.
    End of story !