Wednesday, 3 October 2012

When is a mother not a real mother?

When she has surrendered a child according to the gospel of a woman is wants to be a foster mother and potentially adopt a foster child.  This is the 'wonderful' comment that left me shaking my head:

"A real mother (birthmother or adoptive mother), raises their kids."

Hmm I breathe in air, I eat food, drink fluids, I move so therefore I must be a real woman.  I also went through pregnancy, gave birth to my son and been a mother to him post reunion so therefore that makes me a mother.  Okay so really I am a fake throwaway mother.

"Where I live, birthmother just means someone that gave birth. I will continue to use that word. It is not offensive here, so I will continue to use it."

This is in reference to Y!A and plenty of people have said it's an offensive term there.  This person has absolutely no respect for anybody's feelings then wonders why she is attacked.  As far as she is concerned it's the correct term to use so therefore is fine to be disrespectful of a person's feelings.  The same person has even sunk low enough to accuse me of not knowing how to spell adopter ~ she spells it adoptor.     

"Therefore, adoptive mothers ARE real mothers. To say otherwise is offensive."

Personally I have never said adoptive mothers aren't real mothers.  What I generally say is adoptees have to real mothers; one that gives birth to the child and the other raises the child.  Just because a mother doesn't raise a child doesn't mean she isn't raising a child.  Adoption doesn't wipe the mother who has gone through pregnancy and given birth to a child.

This followed on in the rant:

"So, from now on, I will just refer to them as mothers and fathers."

Nothing wrong with that but can be confusing when someone is referring to natural parents and adoptive parents.  In the early years I used to refer to my son's adopters as his parents but then I had to clarify so after that I used the term adoptive parents.  My response to the person was to tell her to grow up.

This is a comment that she is starting to use more and more in her answers:

"Where I live, birthmother just means someone that gave birth. I will continue to use that word. It is not offensive here,"

I'm not sure whether she is just missing the point or deliberately posting it just to annoy people.  Everybody who goes on the adoption section of  Y!A knows the term is used for mothers who have surrendered. Maybe she is right but I don't know that as I don't know where she lives.

Of course if I could change history I would have raised my son.  I can't though and I don't see why I should be driven away from a site just because of the ignorance of one person.  I like a challenge anyway and it is interesting to see her change her answers to come across as more supportive to mothers making the right choice.  Unfortunately it is so easy to make her show her true colours.  Ir's a shame social workers (or whoever she's going through) doesn't see the answers she gives on Y!A. 

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