Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Being positive....

Today I feel more positive.   To add to my woes of late I found a lump just above my right leg rwo weeks ago after Rick and I had our photo shoot for the article that is being written.  My skin had been itchy anyway but round that area it also felt a bit tender.  I do suffer with stress / depression related rashes which are either itchy and inflamed or the skin is dry.  Until the lump appeared I wasn't worried but it got larger.  Yesterday I saw a locum doctor rather than the one I usually see.  She knows my medical history whereas the locum doesn't.  He made notes on the computer and examined me then came to the conclusion I have an infection so prescribed cream for the rash.  I found it a bit frustrating as he completely disregarded what I told him about the rash being on ongoing problem.  He also only checked recent medical history.  The doctor told me that if it isn't any better after a week and the lump is still there to go back.  I'm not worried about the rash as it's on ongoing problem that I have learned to live with.  What I am worried about is the lump even though it isn't painful most of the time.  I suffer with a dull ache with it when I have been active.

I know I am a bit anxious about the article and what sort of reaction it will bring out in people.  The past ones have had positive feedback as they have been about reunion and how we dealt with the lows as well as the highs.  This time it's a catch up one which is more to do with the lows.  I love my son very much and I will never regret finding him.  The 'but' is I have had moments when I have wished I hadn't found him due to the heartbreak reunion has caused.  That sounds cruel but it isn't meant to be I am just trying to be honest.

Pre reunion it was easy for me to have my fantasy that my son was happy and had a great life.  That he was okay with being adopted or even that he didn't know.  Finding my son was the happiest day of my life as I knew he was alive, well and believed that he wanted to know me.  Nothing had prepared either of us for reunion so I accept that it wasn't easy for either of us.  We are probably too much alike, more than we had expected.  I wanted reunion to work with all my heart so having to deal with the dark side hasn't been easy.  Even when I have wished that I could have carried on with the fantasy deep down I have been even more certain that I did the right thing contacting my son.  He has had closure and found out medical information.  I know he has finally settled, has a job, has a house and is a father.  If we hadn't had that contact neither of us would have had closure.

The past couple of weeks have just been particularly bad for me emotionally (depression and health), the cyber bullying and finding out information the way I did.  I also fear a backlash for being honest about reunion even though I love my son and don't regret reunion.  The knowing is far better than not knowing.  I would rather know my son is alive no matter what he thinks of me than not knowing or worse still that he had died.

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