Thursday, 7 June 2012

Life after reunion .... ?

There was a time when my purpose in life was to be reunited with my son.  It was what I lived for.  The hope of happiness after the nightmare of coerced adoption.  I had my moments when life got too much and I would overdose but only one was serious enough for me to end up in hospital.  I cried at night for ages afterwards as I was still alive.  Life just seemed pointless, worthless, I was worthless.  A real mother would be raising her child.  I was a failure.  I had no purpose.  When the pain was bad inside I had to let it out.  The only way I could was by cutting myself.  Never enough to do any serious damage yet enough to let the hurt.  The atual cuts never hurt.

When I found my son my prayers were answered.  He was alive, well, had a good life and seemed happy.  Reality set in and I don't think I could have ever have have done anything to make him happy or even like me.  I tried but who can truly be prepared for reunion.  I failed again, made too many mistakes.  Life didn't have a happy ending with reunion.  I've just felt even more inadequate.  I wasn't meant to be a mother no matter how much I wanted this.  Feeling guilty and feeking selfish for wanting a little bit of what other parents have.

I have come full circle.  Reunion feels like a dream at times then I have a moment to remind me it was very real.  The constant, daily battle with feeling suicidal.  Wondering when I will be free from the constant pain caused by adoption.

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