Thursday, 28 June 2012
Life beyond adoption?
How does a mother move on and away from adoption?
It is part of her make up, her emotions, every part of her being. Her baby can be taken away form her physically but her pregnancy and childbirth cannot be wiped away Her love for her child cannot be taken away. Nothing can wipe away the experience.
Like so mothers before me and after me I can't ignore the horrors of adoption. It is something I will always have to live with. Why does each day have to be so painful?
Life before reunion was easier as I didn't have to talk about my son. It was easier to keep my emotions locked away. I could deal with avoiding adoption.
Reunion forced me to face my demons. Reunion forced me to deal with depression and the root cause. To deal with suicide attempts. To deal with self harming. I was a mother on a mission. I felt the need to work through my emotions which were powerful.
Nobody warned me of dealing with the dark side of adoption. Nobody warned me I would have so many critics including my own family. Nobody warned me I would be accused of lying about being coerced. Of really wanting my son adopted otherwise I would have, could have stopped it. Of possible being an unfit mother as adoption happens for a reason. Maybe my critics are right that I am bitter, angry, a twisted liar, that I need a hobby, that I need to forget about my son as I don't deserve to know him as he believes I'm a twisted liar. My son has never accused me of being a twisted liar but he has accused me of doing and saying things that I haven't said or done. He has accused me of saying things that he has actually said.
I have had to deal with the stupid comments such as it's wrong for my son to have called me mum. It was his choice. The logic was he has a mother, his adoptive mother, so I don't have the right to be called mum. It makes no difference that I didn't tell my son what to call me. Even my own mother had this attitude She went further to say that she couldn't understand why he wanted to know me as his only family is his adoptive family. In her eyes I was nothing to him.
Nothing would make me happier if I could go back and change my life but I can't and I have to live with this pain. I am so tired of adoption. The trying to get away from adoption issues except for when I choose to is hard. How it would be to be able to just get on with life without being caught up in the net of adoption. Life would be so much easier but I can't cut it completely out of my life.