Wednesday, 6 June 2012
This is a subject that can be heated in adoption discussions and one that frustrates me. A real mother, to me in general terms, is a mother who loves, nurtures, looks after her child or children and tries to be the best mother she can be. A woman can also be a mother figure and I have had the privilege of having a few in my life like that.
In adoption the adoptive mother is the mother and very real. When it comes to natural mothers there are extremes in opinions with plenty of grey in between. Due to being expected to get on with my life and forget about my son I couldn't allow myself to even think off myself as a mother. I felt like a non-entity for so many years and could never speak of having had a child. It was mostly shame as after all who doesn't stand their ground about raising their own child. I didn't even know about coerced adoptions let alone that I had been a victim of this.
Finding my son was the happiest day of my life. His birth should have been the happiest but even on that day I knew I was on a losing battle to try and keep him. I finally felt like a proper mother. The first time my son called me mum left me with a warm glow and the first time we met I knew instinctly we had a bond. By the time he came to live with us it felt normal to tell people I had a son if I was asked. It is obvious that we are mother and son when we have been together and in the photographs I have. In the time he was living with us I also finally felt like a real mother, something I never thought or expected to happen. Since he has moved out I still feel the same despite everything that has happened. He has decided he wants a new life his way so I am leaving it at that. I don't ecpect to be part of it ever but I don't ever regret the time we had. I sometimes wonder if he treats his adoptive parents the same so I wouldn't be surpised to find out he does. He has so many issues with them and me.
Every time the debate comes up about real mothers I am regularly told I'm not a real mother nor can I call myself a mother. The attitude from those that believe that is I surrendered him so my son's only mother is his adoptive mother therefore his only real mother. In their eyes it doesn't matter that I went through pregnancy and childbith I gave him up. They wont accept that I was coerced and being a mother to him post reunion still doesn't me a mother let alone a real mother. Mothers can love more than one child so why can't adopted people love more than one mother or consider they have more than one real mother?